Military Jokes :: #696
By Mark from USA.

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

International Jokes :: #22716
By from Unknown



The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.



As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



There will be growing publikenthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.



Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.



Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.



Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.



Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.



If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Mystic

>
>
> In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
> "There's no easy way to tell you this Laura, so I'll just be blunt.
> Prepare yourself to be a widow.
> Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
>
>
> Visibly shaken, Laura flashed her eyes at the Mystic's lined face,
> then to the single flickering candle, and finally down at her hands.
>
>
>
> She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her racing mind.
>
>
> She simply had to know.
>
>
> She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,
> "Will I be acquitted?"
>
>
> For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........

Snow Plow





Now that I'm retired & need a little extra income to get me through, I got my new snow plow ready for the cold and snowy winter.

So just let me know when you need your sidewalks cleaned ... I can probably work out a good rate for you as long as we keep it under the table!

For all you other retirees, I'm thinking of setting up a dealership and will be selling these new snow plows starting in early January.

Elderly Jokes :: #16423
By Anonymous from USA.

Son: Mom, hi. How are you? How’s everything in Florida?

Mom: Not too good. I’ve been weak.

Son: Why are you weak?

Mom: Never mind.

Son: What’s wrong?

Mom: Never mind. It’s okay.

Son: Why are you weak, Mom?

Mom: I haven’t eaten in thirty days.

Son: That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten?

Mom: Because I didn’t want my mouth to be fill with food if you should call

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #22384
By Y. Franklin from Chorley Lancashire United Kingdom

A garage mechanic comes out to rescue a broken down car. Out of respect for other drivers the mechanic leaves his hazards on while parked on the side of the road. The exhaust from the broken down car has fallen off and needs tying up before the car can be driven onto the mechanic's trailer. The mechanic tells the car owner "As it is only 3:00pm I should be able to have the car ready for you by 5pm". At 5:10pm the mechanic rings the car owner. "Sorry I didn't ring you by 5:00pm, but I only got back to the garage 5 minutes ago. "Why, what happened?" asked the car owner. "My vehicle battery went flat, and I had to ring the garage to ask for another mechanic to come out and rescue me," replied the mechanic.

Men Vs. Women Jokes :: #15488
By Owens Pomeroy from USA.

Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center

rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had

fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I

wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I

walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car

and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay!

Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young lady, gave

me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team's dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. "Yeah, it was great," she said. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie is confused. "At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!"

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.



"My goodness," he said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.


"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the wastebasket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

Male Jokes :: #19171
By from Unknown

A man six foot four with a head no larger than a grapefruit goes into this bar. He sits down and orders a drink. After serving him the bartender cannot take his eyes off this guy’s head. He finally goes over and asks him why his head is so small. The man explains, that one time while walking on the beach he found this bottle and rubbed it and a beautiful Genie popped out of the bottle and offered to grant him one wish. He said he wished to have intercourse with her. She replied that Genies were not allowed to do that. He then asked her if he could have a little head

Elderly Jokes :: #8631
By Angela quirion from Oakland Maine Vatican City State (Holy See)

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!" said the old woman.

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please
go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have
avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back
with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6
cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going
back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.

Yes, folks, along with those Christmas cards, it's time for the Darwin Awards....defined as that person who has most improved the gene pool by removing themselves from it. Words to a spanish song come to mind: "ai, ai, yai, yai!"




Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years on death row awaiting South Carolina’s electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole’s pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole’s wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

Elderly Jokes :: #20468
By Anonymous from USA.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The

material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us

sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your

stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can

be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the

germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the

most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone

here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering

for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a

75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.'

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #3777
By Ameerul Asyraf from Singapore

One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in. "A cup of milk please." he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing. Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody," I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!" The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,” What did you do in Texas?"

The Cowboy replied," Well, I had to walk home

THE 'Y' CHROMOSOME


People born before 1946 are called - The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called - The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called - Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called - Generation Y.






Why do we call the last group - Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I have to help around the house?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it more eloquently below...

Teachers Jokes :: #6605
By Anonymous from USA.

“What did your mother do yesterday morning. Vicky?”

“She done her shopping, ma’am.”

“Done her shopping, Vicky? Where’s your grammar?”

“She done her shopping as well, ma’am.”

Watch

Business Jokes :: #21049
By Anonymous from USA.

The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #36
By Richard Sarsgaard from USA.

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'

So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money

Kid Jokes :: #3941
By Anonymous from USA.

A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.

Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”

Bar & Drinking Jokes :: #306
By Anonymous from USA.

Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started to talk nonsense and couldn't drive.

About Us - We Change Worlds | Good News!! Children are changing the world -

About Us - We Change Worlds | Good News!! Children are changing the world -

Elderly Jokes :: #20470
By Anonymous from USA.

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through

Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them

through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was

used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were

grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture

when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in

America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send

us on bus tours!

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

CHRISTMAS STORY!

Santa & Sarah

Three years ago, a little boy and his grandmother came to see Santa at the Mayfair Mall in Wisconsin. The child climbed up on his lap, holding a picture of a little girl. "Who is this?" asked Santa, smiling. "Your friend?" Your sister?

"Yes, Santa," he replied. "My sister, Sarah, who is very sick," he said sadly.

Santa glanced over at the grandmother who was waiting nearby, and saw her dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

"She wanted to come with me to see you, oh, so very much, Santa!"

The child exclaimed. "She misses you," he added softly.

Santa tried to be cheerful and encouraged a smile to the boy's face, asking him what he wanted Santa to bring him for Christmas. When they finished their visit, the Grandmother came over to help the

Child off his lap, and started to say something to Santa, but halted. "What is it?" Santa asked warmly.

"Well, I know it's really too much to ask you, Santa, but ..." the old woman began, shooing her grandson over to one of Santa's elves to collect the little gift which Santa gave all his young visitors.

"The girl in the photograph .. My granddaughter .. well, you see .. she has leukemia and isn't expected to make it even through the Holidays," she said through tear-filled eyes. "Is there any way, Santa .... any possible way that you could come see Sarah? That's all she's asked for, for Christmas, is to see Santa."

Santa blinked and swallowed hard and told the woman to leave information with his elves as to where Sarah was, and he would see what he could do. Santa thought of little else the rest of that afternoon. He knew what he had to do. "What if it were MY child lying in that Hospital bed, dying," he thought with a sinking heart, "this is the Least I can do."

When Santa finished visiting with all the boys and girls that evening, he retrieved from his helper the name of the hospital where Sarah was staying. He asked the assistant location manager how to get to Children's Hospital.

"Why?" Rick asked, with a puzzled look on his face.

Santa relayed to him the conversation with Sarah's grandmother earlier that day. "C'mon .... I'll take you there," Rick said softly.

Rick drove them to the hospital and came inside with Santa.

They found out which room Sarah was in. A pale Rick said he would wait out in the hall.

Santa quietly peeked into the room through the half-closed door and saw little Sarah on the bed. The room was full of what appeared to be her family; there was the Grandmother and the girl's brother he had met earlier that day.

A woman whom he guessed was Sarah's mother stood by the bed, gently pushing Sarah's thin hair off her forehead.

And another woman who he discovered later was Sarah's aunt, sat in a chair near the bed with weary, sad look on her face. They were talking quietly, and Santa could sense the warmth and closeness of the family, and their love and concern for Sarah.

Taking a deep breath, and forcing a smile on his face, Santa entered the room, bellowing a hearty, "Ho, ho, ho!"

"Santa!" shrieked little Sarah weakly, as she tried to escape her bed to run to him, IV tubes in tact.

Santa rushed to her side and gave her a warm hug. A child the tender age of his own son -- 9 years old -- gazed up at him with wonder and excitement. Her skin was pale and her short tresses bore telltale bald patches from the effects of chemotherapy. But all he saw when he looked at her was a pair of huge, blue eyes.

His heart melted, and he had to force himself to choke back tears.

Though his eyes were riveted upon Sarah's face, he could hear the gasps and quiet sobbing of the women in the room. As he and Sarah began talking, the family crept quietly to the bedside one by one, squeezing Santa's shoulder or his hand gratefully, whispering "thank you" as they gazed sincerely at him with shining eyes.

Santa and Sarah talked and talked, and she told him excitedly all the toys she wanted for Christmas, assuring him she'd been a very good girl that year.

As their time together dwindled, Santa felt led in his spirit to pray for Sarah, and asked for permission from the girl's mother. She nodded in agreement and the entire family circled around Sarah's bed, holding hands. Santa looked
intensely at Sarah and asked her if she believed in angels.

"Oh , yes, Santa ... I do!" she exclaimed.

"Well, I'm going to ask that angels watch over you, "he said.

Laying one hand on the child's head, Santa closed his eyes and prayed.

He asked that God touch little Sarah, and heal her body from this disease.

He asked that angels minister to her, watch and keep her. And when he finished praying, still with eyes closed, he started singing softly,

"Silent Night, Holy Night - all is calm, all is bright."

The family joined in, still holding hands, smiling at Sarah, and crying tears of hope, tears of joy for this moment, as Sarah beamed at them all.

When the song ended, Santa sat on the side of the bed again and held Sarah's frail, small hands in his own.

"Now, Sarah," he said authoritatively, "you have a job to do, and that is to concentrate on getting well. I want you to have fun playing with your friends this summer, and I expect to see you at my house at Mayfair Mall this time next year!"

He knew it was risky proclaiming that, to this little girl who had terminal cancer, but he "had" to.

He had to give her the greatest gift he could -- not dolls or games or toys -- but the gift of HOPE.

"Yes, Santa!" Sarah exclaimed, her eyes bright.

He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead and left the room.

Out in the hall, the minute Santa's eyes met Rick's, a look passed between them and they wept unashamed. Sarah's mother and grandmother slipped out of the room quickly and rushed to Santa's side to thank him.

"My only child is the same age as Sarah," he explained quietly.

"This is the least I could do." They nodded with understanding and hugged him.

One year later, Santa Mark was again back on the set in Milwaukee for his six-week, seasonal job which he so loves to do. Several weeks went by and then one day a child came u p to sit on his lap.

"Hi, Santa! Remember me?!"

"Of course, I do," Santa proclaimed (as he always does), smiling down at her.

After all, the secret to being a "good" Santa is to always make each child feel as if they are the "only" child in the world at that moment.

"You came to see me in the hospital last year!" Santa's jaw dropped.

Tears immediately sprang in his eyes, and he grabbed this little miracle and held her to his chest. "Sarah!" he exclaimed. He scarcely recognized her, for her hair was long and silky and her cheeks were rosy -- much different from the little girl he had visited just a year before. He looked over and saw Sarah's mother and grandmother in the sidelines smiling and waving and wiping their eyes.

That was the best Christmas ever for Santa Claus.

He had witnessed --and been blessed to be instrumental in bringing about -- this miracle of hope. This precious little child was healed.

Cancer-free. Alive and well.

He silently looked up to Heaven and humbly whispered, "Thank You Father. ' Tis a very, Merry Christmas!"

If you believe in miracles you will pass this on. I did!!

LIFE IS GOD'S GIFT TO YOU ... HOW YOU LIVE IT IS YOUR GIFT TO GOD, YOURSELF AND LOVED ONES.


I cried & am not ashamed of it.......

Dentists Jokes :: #42
By Sharon Bradbent from USA.

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife Becky. "Show him, honey

A journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.



She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, what's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

Animal Jokes :: #15133
By from Unknown

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that SOB on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!"

Make an impression on your neighbors!
The German company " Style your Garage " makes posters for your garage door.
Prices vary from $199 to $399 for a double door! Everything included!

This Love Story. kinda Brings a Tear to your eye!

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the
mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see
her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask
him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would
get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)








"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Men Vs. Women Jokes :: #17425
By DEBZ!! from belfast ireland Ireland

What is a man's most embarrassing moment??

When he walks into a wall with an erection and breaks his nose.

On their wedding night, Bruce displays his member to his new virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world.

She, of course, believes him. He's gone to a conference for a couple of weeks. He returns, only to be questioned by his new wife. 'Bruce,' she says, 'I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But Harry at the drug store has one too.'

'Well, er,' Bruce flusters, 'Harry and I were in the war together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine.'

'Oh. Well, why did you give him the best one?'

Dear Friends:

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from our various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a Gray Goose on the rocks.
Not a good Idea! Knowing full well that I was slightly over the limit, I did something that I've never done before: I took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block, but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a taxi before and I'm not sure where I got it.

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:

10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.

9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.

8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.

6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.

5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.

4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.

3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.

2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.

1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

Marriage Jokes :: #3911
By Anonymous from USA.

A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife – nothing but arguing and friction – so he decided to consult a marriage counselor. After they had talked for a while, the counselor said, “I suggest that you run five miles each day for a week. Then please call me back.”

A week later the counselor received a call from the husband, “Well,” asked the counselor, “how are things going with you and your wife?

“How should I know?” said the husband. “I’m thirty-five miles away.”

Computer Jokes :: #359
By Anonymous from USA.

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."

"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

TODAY IS THE OLDEST . . . .

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE AGAIN, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.


~Your Kids are becoming you.... But your grandchildren are Perfect!

~Going Out is good.... Coming Home is better!

~You Forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... Especially Golf.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's Called "pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch..

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody Whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived


Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be accepted in thy sight Oh Lord, my strength and my redeemer Ps. 19:14

Bar & Drinking Jokes :: #826
By amelia canson from rochester new york United States Minor Outlying Islands

There was this duck who was walking in front of this bar, he went inside and asked the bartender if he had any duckfood, the bartender said no, now get out! so the duck left. The next day the duck went back in and asked the bartender if he had any duck food, the bartender said no, now get out or I'll nail your feet to the ground! so the duck left. The next day the duck came in and asked the bartender. Do you have any nails? The bartender said no, and the duck said in that case, do you have any duck food?

Sears

Sears - Christmas shopping this year.

I know I needed this reminder, since Sears isn't always my first choice. It's amazing when you think of how long the war has lasted and Sears hasn't withdrawn from their commitment. Could we each buy at least one thing at Sears this year?

What commitment you say?

How does Sears treat its employees who are serving in our military? By law , they are required to hold their jobs open and available, but nothing more. Usually, people take a big pay cut and lose benefits as a result of being on active duty.

Sears is voluntarily paying the difference in salaries and maintaining all benefits, including medical insurance and bonus programs, for all employees who are serving.

I submit that Sears is an exemplary corporate citizen and should be recognized for its contribution. I suggest we all shop at Sears at least once this year. Be sure to find a manager to tell them why we are there so the company gets the positive reinforcement & feedback it well deserves.

Pass it on.

I decided to check this before I sent it forward. So I sent the following e-mail to the Sears Customer Service Department:

I received this e-mail and I would like to know if it is true. If it is, the internet may have just become one very good source of advertisement
for your company. I know I would go out of my way to buy products from Sears instead of another store for a like item, even if it's cheaper
at that store.

This is their answer to my e-mail:

Dear Customer:
Thank you for contacting Sears. The information is factual. We appreciate your positive feedback. Sears regards service to our country as one of greatest sacrifices our men and women can make. This is the "least" we can do for them.
We are happy to do our part to lessen the burden they bear at this time.

Bill Thorn
Sears Customer Care

webcenter@sears.com
1-800-349-4358

Please pass this on . Sears needs to be recognized for this outstanding contribution and we need to show them as Americans, we do appreciate what they are doing for our Military!!!

It's verified! By: http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/sears.asp

Blonde Jokes :: #19194
By from Unknown

A blonde walked into a police station and asked to speak to the chief. When the chief came out, she told him that she wanted to be a police officer and he said, "come in my office and let me ask you a few questions". The first question is what is 2 + 2. The blonde says oh that is easy the answer is 4. The second question is what is the square root of 100. The blonde thinks for a second and says I think it is 10. The chief says very well now can you tell me who killed Abraham Lincoln? The blonde thought and thought and said no I can't. So the chief told her to go and find out and come back to him when she knew. Later that night a friend called her to ask how the job thing went with the chief and she said "Girl I got the job and they already put me on a murder case".

Elderly Jokes :: #17362
By David R. Ebro, Vice President from Houston TX USA.

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Business Jokes :: #15408
By Anonymous from USA.

Two barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for 7-dollars. His competitor put up one that read, “We repair 7-dollars hair cuts.

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS BREAKFAST EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN,
30 GRANDCHILDREN,
45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN...



...AND A 25-FOOT DEEP CRATER WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE!

Business Jokes :: #15408
By Anonymous from USA.

Two barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for 7-dollars. His competitor put up one that read, “We repair 7-dollars hair cuts.

Good stuff to know around the Holiday Season.

A good reminder with the holiday giving season ahead.





THINK BEFORE YOU DONATE
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
BEFORE YOU MAKE CONTRIBUTIONS:

As you open your pockets to do a good thing
and make yourself feel good,
please keep the following facts in mind:
----------------------------

The American Red Cross
President and CEO Marsha J. Evans'
salary for the year was $651,957 plus expenses

MARCH OF DIMES
It is called the March of Dimes because
only a dime for every 1 dollar is given to the needy.


The United Way
President Brian Gallagher
receives a $375,000 base salary along with numerous expense benefits.

UNICEF
CEO Caryl M. Stern receives
$1,200,000 per year (100k per month) plus all expenses including a ROLLS ROYCE.
Less than 5 cents of your donated dollar goes to the cause.

GOODWILL
CEO and owner Mark Curran profits $2.3 million a year.
Goodwill is a very catchy name for his business.
You donate to his business and then he sells the items for PROFIT.
He pays nothing for his products and pays his workers minimum wage! Nice Guy.
$0.00 goes to help anyone! Stop giving to this man.
----------------------------

Instead, give it to ANY OF THE FOLLOWING


GO "GREEN" AND
PUT YOUR MONEY
WHERE IT WILL
DO SOME GOOD:

The Salvation Army
Commissioner, Todd Bassett receives a small salary of only
$13,000 per year (plus housing) for managing this $2 billion dollar organization.
96 percent of donated dollars go to the cause.

The American Legion
National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary.
Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!

The Veterans of Foreign Wars
National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary.
Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!

The Disabled American Veterans
National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary.
Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!

The Military Order of Purple Hearts
National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary.
Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!

The Vietnam Veterans of America
National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary.
Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!

Make a Wish: For children's last wishes.
100% goes to funding trips or special wishes for a dying child.

St. Jude Research Hospital
100% goes towards funding and helping Children with Cancer who have no insurance and can
not afford to pay.

Ronald McDonald Houses
All monies go to running the houses for parents who have critical Children in the hospital.
100% goes to housing, and feeding the families.

Lions Club International
100% OF DONATIONS GO TO HELP THE BLIND, BUY HEARING AIDES, SUPPORT MEDICAL MISSIONS AROUND THE WORLD. THEIR LATEST UNDERTAKING
IS MEASLES VACCINATIONS (ONLY $1.00 PER SHOT).

Please share this with everyone you can

Signs Jokes :: #16523
By Anonymous from USA.

Sign on company bulleting board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”

My Favorite Animal:
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

Marriage Jokes :: #3372
By kelly campe from collingswood nj USA.

A couple was down on their luck and needed money in a hurry, so the wife decided to become a hooker till they had the money they needed. One day she went out and when she came home she had 300 dollars and 5 cents, her husband said "honey who gave you 5 cents?" she said "they all did".

A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE. ENJOY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!'

And they say blondes are dumb....

--------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you......'
--------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
--------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
-------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN
-----------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .
----------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
----------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
----------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-----------------------------------------

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........

......then He made the earth round.
------------------------

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight!

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
;-)

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet ,I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend
is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Military Jokes :: #645
By Anonymous from Unknown

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

On October 9th, a group of
Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want
to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow!

That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Animal Jokes :: #18
By Rick Betuker from Unknown

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said:

"'Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

****** 23 ADULT TRUTHS ******

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important

Golf Joke

Golf Jokes :: #9993
By Anonymous from USA.

A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.

He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”

The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t

Baby Joke

Baby Jokes :: #291
By Anonymous from USA.

A new mother took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her little girl in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put the purchases around her. In the checkout line, she noticed a small boy and his mother were ahead of her.

The small boy was crying and begging for some special treat. "He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any", she thought.

Then she heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, looking in her direction. "You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!"

Antartian Jokes :: #1108
By Flakes from Australia

A 17 year-old Antartican boy was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile. Finally, his friend Max asked him why he was doing less each day. The boy replied, "I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day."

Elderly Jokes :: #14375
By thomas johnson from USA.

A 90 year old man finally gets to see a doctor, the doctor asks him to explain the problem. The man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers I am 90. The Dr., still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered? Yes said the man, it's all in my head and I want you to lower it.

Little Johnny Jokes :: #19559
By Roy from United Kingdom

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

Amazing frozen lemons.....

All it is.....is a frozen lemon

Many professionals in restaurants and eateries are using or consuming the entire lemon and nothing is wasted.
How can you use the whole lemon without waste?

Simple.. Place the washed lemon in the freezer section of your refrigerator. Once the lemon is frozen, get your grater, and shred the whole lemon (no need to peel it) and sprinkle it on top of your foods.

Sprinkle it to your vegetable salad, ice cream, soup, cereals, noodles, spaghetti sauce, rice, sushi, fish dishes, whisky, wine.... The list is endless.

All of the foods will unexpectedly have a wonderful taste, something that you may have never tasted before.
Most likely, you only think of lemon juice and vitamin C. Not anymore.

Now that you've learned this lemon secret, you can use lemon even in instant cup noodles.

What's the major advantage of using the whole lemon other than preventing waste and adding new taste to your dishes?

Well, you see lemon peels contain as much as 5 to 10 times more vitamins than the lemon juice itself.
And yes, that's what you've been wasting.

But from now on, by following this simple procedure of freezing the whole lemon, then grating it on top
Of your dishes, you can consume all of those nutrients and get even healthier.

It's also good that lemon peels are health rejuvenators in eradicating toxic elements in the body.

So place your washed lemon in your freezer, and then grate it on your meal every day. It is a key to make your foods tastier and you get to live healthier and longer! That's the lemon secret! Better late than never, right? The surprising benefits of lemon!

Lemon (Citrus) is a miraculous product to kill cancer cells. It is 10,000 times stronger than chemotherapy.

Why do we not know about that? Because there are laboratories interested in making a synthetic version that will bring them huge profits.

You can now help a friend in need by letting him/her know that lemon juice is beneficial in preventing the disease. Its taste is pleasant and it does not produce the horrific effects of chemotherapy.

How many people will die while this closely guarded secret is kept, so as not to jeopardize the beneficial multimillionaires large corporations?

As you know, the lemon tree is known for its varieties of lemons and limes.

You can eat the fruit in different ways: you can eat the pulp, juice press, prepare drinks, sorbets, pastries, etc... It is credited with many virtues, but the most interesting is the effect it produces on cysts and tumors.

This plant is a proven remedy against cancers of all types. Some say it is very useful in all variants of cancer. It is considered also as an anti-microbial spectrum against bacterial infections and fungi, effective against internal parasites and worms, it regulates blood pressure which is too high and an antidepressant, combats stress and nervous disorders.

The source of this information is fascinating: it comes from one of the largest drug manufacturers in the world, says that after more than 20 laboratory tests since 1970, the extracts revealed that It destroys the malignant cells in 12 cancers, including colon, breast, prostate, lung and pancreas...
The compounds of this tree showed 10,000 times better than the product Adriamycin, a drug normally used chemotherapeutic in the world, slowing the growth of cancer cells.

And what is even more astonishing: this type of therapy with lemon extract only destroys malignant cancer cells and it does not affect healthy cells.
So, give those lemons a good wash, freeze them and grate them. Your whole body will love you for it!!!!!

Kids & Family Jokes :: #60
By Brenda Rottman from USA.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

Political Jokes :: #961
By HogViper from Unknown

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet

Teachers Jokes :: #2688
By from USA.

Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?"

"Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another."

"And what would they be doing then?"

"Building boats!"

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."

"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...

"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.

"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

"It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
Noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet
Behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
Walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were
About 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
Man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry
For your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've
Never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What
Happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man
Answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog
Turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed
Between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

YouTube:

http://youtu.be/uPpDFQ_mWKw

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #20001
By Anonymous from USA.

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?” “No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”

Great thoughts come from Cold Beer


Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Case closed.

Knock-Knock Jokes :: #4040
By kyle craska from ny ny USA.

knock knock

who's there

oddley hee

oddley hee who

I didn't know you could yodel!

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #12289
By Tiffany Quick from USA.

15 things we wouldn’t know if it wasn’t for the movies

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.

6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

7. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.

8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:

Enter Password Now.

9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.

10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.

14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

And last but not least

15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Little Johnny Jokes :: #15240
By Vivienne from Onitsha Anambra Nigeria

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and

staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the

pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he

said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, not taking his eyes off

the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,

"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

Bar & Drinking Jokes :: #444
By Laura Reidlinger from Unknown

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

Police Jokes :: #6505
By from Unknown

A cop pulls a young guy over:

"Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid.

"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.

Yup, but I didn't see you!

Airplane Jokes :: #7912
By Jim from USA.

A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

This explains why I forward stuff:




An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an unfamiliar road. The man was enjoying the new scenery, when he suddenly remembered dying, and realized that the dog beside him had been dead for years, as had his horse. Confused, he wondered what was happening, and where the trail was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall that looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch topped by a golden letter "H" that glowed in the sunlight.

Standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like gold.

He rode toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. Parched and tired out by his journey, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

As the gate began to open, the cowboy asked, 'Can I bring my partners, too?'

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The cowboy thought for a moment, then turned back to the road and continued riding, his dog trotting by his side.

After another long ride, at the top of another hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a ranch gate that looked as if it had never been closed. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me,' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Sure, there's a pump right over there. Help yourself.'

'How about my friends here?' the traveler gestured to the dog and his horse.

'Of course! They look thirsty, too,' said the man.

The trio went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with buckets beside it. The traveler filled a cup and the buckets with wonderfully cool water and took a long drink, as did his horse and dog.

When they were full, he walked back to the man who was still standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'That's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the glitzy, gold street and fake pearly gates? That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you angry when they use your name like that?'

'Not at all. Actually, we're happy they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'



Sometimes, we wonder why friends forward things to us without writing a word. Maybe this explains it:

When you're busy, but still want to keep in touch, you can forward emails. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep in contact, you can forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know exactly how, you can forward stuff.


A 'forward' lets you know that you're still remembered, still important, still cared about.

So the next time you get a 'forward', don't think of it as just another joke. Realize that you've been thought of today and that your friend on the other end just wanted to send you a smile.


PS: You're welcome at my watering hole anytime.

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.... Try to come up with the answer on your own.
However, the answer is at the bottom for those who are unable to think this one through.




Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking?


















Don't look down

Holiday Jokes :: #22260
By Paul Tomlinson from USA.

One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of robutusin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!

Holiday Jokes :: #22260
By Paul Tomlinson from USA.

One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of robutusin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!

Men Vs. Women Jokes :: #2695
By from USA.

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said. "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That"s the owner."


Forward this joke to your friends >>

Entertainment Jokes :: #1123
By Sweetness from Ontario Canada

Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"

Blonde on a plane

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE

IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES

TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS,

AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID

FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT

SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES,

"I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,

I'M GOING TO TORONTO,

AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE".

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT

AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT

THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO

SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY,

AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-P ILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE

AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE

SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL

HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLONDE REPLIES,

"I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,

I'M GOING TO TORONTO,

AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE".

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE

PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING

WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE

WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?

I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED

TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE".


HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND

WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS,

"OH, I'M SORRY," AND GETS UP AND GOES

BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGH T ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT

ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID

TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.



"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO' "

Dick and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Somerset, Kentucky.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dick said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dick wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dick says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dick says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Tennessee'