Catholic Heart Attack

Catholic Heart Attack

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!!

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Sex

Sex And Good
Grammar
For all my grammatically correct friends..


On his 74th birthday, a man got a
gift certificate from his wife.


The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful
and then say '1-2-3.' "


When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."


The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'"
he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until
the next full moon."


He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing
off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Dating Ads by Seniors

You can say what you want about Florida , but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
Ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper. (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?) ....

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.

----------------------------------------------------
My favorite …

MINT CONDITION :

Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Not in running condition, but walks well.

Yah I Got Mine

Watch Your Mailbox!

Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2012 Social Security
Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer
rug, a machine to blow smoke up my ass, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an "Obama
Hope & Change" bumper sticker, and a "Blame it on Bush" poster for the front
yard. The directions were in Spanish.

Watch for yours soon

>
> The key to preventing moldy berries...wish I'd known it 50 years ago !!
>
> Berries are delicious, but they're also kind of delicate. Raspberries in
> particular seem like they can mold before you even get them home from the
> market. There's nothing more tragic than paying $4 for a pint of local
> raspberries, only to look in the fridge the next day and find that fuzzy
> mold growing on their insides.
>
> Well, with fresh berries just starting to hit farmers markets, we can
> tell you that how to keep them fresh! Here’s a tip I’m sharing on how to
> prevent them from getting there in the first place:
>
> Wash them with vinegar.
>
> When you get your berries home, prepare a mixture of one part vinegar
> (white or apple cider probably work best) and ten parts water. Dump the
> berries into the mixture and swirl around. Drain, rinse if you want (though
> the mixture is so diluted you can't taste the vinegar,) and pop in the
> fridge. The vinegar kills any mold spores and other bacteria that might be on
> the surface of the fruit, and voila! Raspberries will last a week or more,
> and strawberries go almost two weeks without getting moldy and soft. So
> go forth and stock up on those pricey little gems, knowing they'll stay
> fresh as long as it takes you to eat them.

George W Bush and Barrack Obama
somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
Was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, ‘No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir?' Bush replied,
'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

Bar Joke

A Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Obama?"

Bubba

His name was Bubba, he was from Kentucky ... and he needed a loan, so ... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.


The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car wasparked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.


Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.


Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from University of Kentucky, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"


The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Peaking German in Texas

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted:
"Sehr angenehm!
Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

Which it means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the
water. The cows have shit in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

Logic

Two Rednecks, Byron and Buck, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer.**

Byron turns to Buck and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College
and sign up for some classes.'

Buck thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Byron goes down to the college and meets Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English,
history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Byron says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house..'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Byron shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to
go meet Buck at the bar. He tells Buck about his classes, how he is
signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Buck says, 'What's that?'
Byron says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.*

Jet Fuel Drink

Dick and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Louisville, Kentucky .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dick said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dick wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dick says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dick says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Tennessee '

A Cowboys Tombstone

A COWBOY TOMBSTONE :
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

How Hat is It?

IT'S SO HOT

.....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.

.....the trees are whistling for the dogs.

.....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance

.....hot water comes from both taps.

.....you can make sun tea instantly.

.....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

.....the temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly.

.....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

.....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

.....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.

.....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.

.....your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?

.....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.

.....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.

.....the cows are giving evaporated milk.

.....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

IT'S SO DRY that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

Farmers Logic

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

This TRUE interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said ? Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

Farmer: Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

Farmer: I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day .... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?
THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ... Imagine that ...

"Peace is that brief moment in history when everybody stands around reloading."

1-800

This is a great idea! I just spent over an hour on the phone with India , Pakistan , Bangladesh or whatever on a service problem. Maybe I can avoid this in the future.
800-ASK-4- USA- DO NOT DELETE BEFORE READING !
The gas company serving this area brought their call center back to Phoenix from India last year after numerous customer complaints. What a difference now when you call them...and it created 300 jobs. I know this works because they were so bad that when India answered I wouldn't even deal with them. I'd simply ask to be transferred to a supervisor in the U.S. and they would comply.
Now that I know it is the LAW - I will do it for sure
Any time you call an 800 number (for a credit card, banking, Verizon, health and other insurance, computer help desk, etc) and you find that you're talking to a foreign customer service representative (perhaps in India , Philippines , etc), please consider doing the following:
After you connect and you realize that the customer service representative is not from the USA (you can always ask if you are not sure about the accent), please, very politely (this is not about trashing other cultures) say, "I'd like to speak to a customer service representative in the United States of America ..."
The rep might suggest

talking to his/her manager, but, again, politely say, "Thank you, but I'd like to speak to a customer service representative in the USA ."
YOU WILL BE IMMEDIATELY CONNECTED TO A REP IN THE USA . That's the rule and the LAW.
It takes less than one minute to have your call re-directed to the USA .
Tonight when I got redirected to a USA rep, I asked again to make sure - and yes, she was from Fort Lauderdale .
Imagine what would happen if every US citizen insisted

on talking to only US phone reps from this day on.
Imagine how that would ultimately impact the number of US jobs that would need to be created ASAP.
If I tell 10 people to consider this and you tell 10 people to consider doing this - see what I mean...it becomes an exercise in viral marketing 101.
Remember
The goal here is to restore jobs back here at home - not to be abrupt or rude to a foreign phone rep.
You may even get correct answers, good advice, and solutions to your problem - in real English.

Sex After Death

Sex after Death

In case U were wondering.... IS THERE SEX AFTER DEATH?
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex
after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Sue..........Sue"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.


After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed
sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"



"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas !"

Bingo

The excitement of hitting a BINGO in the Senior Citizen’s Center.

Math Quiz

This is a good one!




MATH QUIZ: Reveals your favorite movie!!

I am very good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and
finally on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities.

Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite
movie EVER.

DO NOT cheat and scroll down to the movies. Do YOUR math, THEN compare
the
results to the list of movies at the bottom.

You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is

1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your favorite
movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:





Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

Now, isn’t that something? Isn’t science wonderful?

Old Golfer

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile, she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

State trooper

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing,"
he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him,
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then
110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette,
looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Secret Service on Presidents

Very interesting -- from Ronald Kessler's book about our presidents - look it up on Amazon and read the reviews. Might have to download this book for reading!


Here are snippets from a book of "Impressions & Observations" of Secret Service personnel assigned to guard U.S. Presidents/First Ladies, and Vice Presidents.

JOHN & JACQUELINE KENNEDY
*A philanderer of the highest order. *
*She ordered the kitchen help to save all the left-over wine during State dinner, mixed with fresh wine and served again during the next White House occasion.*

*LYNDON & LADYBIRD JOHNSON
*Another philanderer of the highest order. In addition, LBJ was as crude as the day is long. Both JFK and LBJ kept a lot of women in the White House for extramarital affairs, and both had set up "early warning systems" to alert them if/when their wives were nearby. Both Kennedy & Johnson were promiscuous and oversexed men. *
*She was either naive or just pretended to "not know" about her husband's many liaisons. *

*RICHARD & PAT NIXON
*A "moral" man but very odd, weird, paranoid, etc. He had horrible relationship with his family, and in a way, was almost a recluse.*
*She was quiet most of the time.*

*SPIRO AGNEW
* Nice, decent man, everyone in the Secret Service was surprised about his downfall. *

*GERALD & BETTY FORD
*A true gentlemen who treated the Secret Service with respect and dignity. He had a great sense of humor. *
*She drank a lot!*

*JIMMY & ROSALYN CARTER
*A complete phony who would portray one picture of himself to public and very different in private, e..g., would be shown carrying his own luggage, but the suit cases were always empty; he kept empty ones just for photo op's. Wanted the people to see him as pious and a non-drinker, but he and his family drank alcohol a lot. He had disdain for the Secret Service, and was very irresponsible with the "football" nuclear codes. He didn't think it was a big deal and would keep military aides at a great distance. Often did not acknowledge the presence of Secret Service personnel assigned to serve him.*
*She mostly did her own thing.*

*RONALD & NANCY REAGAN
*The real deal --- moral, honest, respectful, and dignified. They treated Secret Service and everyone else with respect and honor. Thanked everyone all the time. He took the time to know everyone on a personal level. * One "favorite" story which has circulated among the Secret Service personnel was an incident early in his Presidency, when he came out of his room with a pistol tucked on his hip. The agent in charge asked: "Why the pistol, Mr. President" He replied, "In case you boys can't get the job done, I can help." It was common for him to carry a pistol. When he met with Gorbachev, he had a pistol in his briefcase. Upon learning that Gary Hart was caught with Donna Rice, Reagan said, "Boys will be boys, but boys will not be Presidents." [He obviously either did not know or forgot JFK's and LBJ's sexcapades!]*
*She was very nice but very protective of the President; and the Secret Service was often caught in the middle. She tried hard to control what the President ate, and he would say to the agent "Come on, you gotta help me out." The Reagans drank wine during State dinners and special occasions only; otherwise, they shunned alcohol; the Secret Service could count on one hand the times they were served wine during their "family dinner". For all the fake bluster of the Carters, the Reagans were the ones who lived life as genuinely moral people.*

*GEORGE H. & BARBARA BUSH
*Extremely kind and considerate Always respectful. Took great care in making sure the agents' comforts were taken care of. They even brought them meals, etc. One time Barbara Bush brought warm clothes to agents standing outside at Kennebunkport; one agent was given a warm hat, and when he tried to nicely say "no thanks" even though he was obviously freezing, President Bush said "Son, don't argue with the First Lady, put the hat on." He was the most prompt of the Presidents. He ran the White House like a well-oiled machine.*
*She ruled the house and spoke her mind.*

*BILL & HILLARY CLINTON
*Presidency was one giant party. Not trustworthy --- he was nice because he wanted everyone to like him, but to him life is just one big game and party. Everyone knows of his sexuality.*
*She is another phony. Her personality would change the instant cameras were near. She hated with open disdain the military and Secret Service. She was another one who felt people are there to serve her. She was always trying to keep tabs on Bill Clinton.*

*ALBERT GORE
* An egotistical ass, who was once overheard by his Secret Service detail lecturing his only son that he needed to do better in school or he "would end up like these guys" --- pointing to the agents.*

*GEORGE W. & LAURA BUSH
*The Secret Service loved him and Laura Bush. He was also the most physically "in shape" who had a very strict workout regimen. The Bushes made sure their entire administrative and household staff understood to respect and be considerate of the Secret Service.
*She was one of the nicest First Ladies, if not the nicest; she never had any harsh word to say about anyone.*
*KARL ROVE was the one who was the most caring of the Secret Service in the administration.*

*BARACK & MICHELLE OBAMA
*" Clinton all over again" - hates the military and looks down on the Secret Service. He is egotistical and cunning; looks you in the eye and appears to agree with you, but turns around and does the opposite---untrustworthy. He has temper tantrums.*
*She is a complete bitch, who hates anybody who is not black; hates the military; and looks at the Secret Service as servants.*
A taxpayer voting for Obama is like a chicken voting for Col. Sanders.

The Bar

I pointed to two old drunks that looked like they had a bad hair day and got dressed in the dark, sitting across the bar from us and told my friend,

"That's us in 10 years."

My friend said,
"That's a mirror, stupid!"

Painting the Church

Painting the Church

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very
interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down
his paint to make it go a wee bit further.



As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one
of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and
buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
turpentine.........

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the
sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all
over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on
the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the
thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so
he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..



"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"


"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."

Dementia Test

Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions:





It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?










Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else…
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.





2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?










Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.
Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.







3. If a red house is made from red bricks and
A blue house is made from blue bricks and
A pink house is made from pink bricks and
A black house is made from black bricks,
What is a green house made from?







Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.


4. Without using a calculator -
You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .
In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven...



Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?









Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age...
It was YOU driving the bus!

Physical Activity

During my physical yesterday, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday morning, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills,
stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake.”

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, “Wow, you’re an avid hiker.”

“No,” I replied, “I’m just a lousy golfer.”

Viagra

Pfizer Announcement Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Women

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...

No …. wait... s orry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind

Modern Cowboy

Subject: Modern day cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,

'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,

'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'


The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich ....

beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

Bill Fisher
I Trust In God
I'm Proud To Be an American And A Shriner
Shriner's Hospitals for Children® is a health care system of 22 hospitals dedicated to improving the lives of children by providing pediatric specialty care, innovative research, and outstanding teaching programs for medical professionals. Children up to age 18 with orthopaedic conditions, burns, spinal cord injuries, and cleft lip and palate are eligible for care and receive all services in a family-centered environment, regardless of the patients’ ability to pay.

Celebrating--- 52---Great years
Serving Northern Illinois & Southern Wisconsin
with the finest
Appliance, TV, Computer & Electronics Service.
That's The Fisher Way!

And Remember


If you decide to forward a joke or jokes via e-mail, please use your "copy and paste" feature to send just the joke, removing the headers, footers, addresses and unsuitable material.


Here's how to do it:

Point to the first letter of the text you want to copy and left click and hold down and drag the pointer to the end of the text and then let up on the left button. Now hover the pointer over the highlighted text and right click and choose copy from the pull down menu. Now open a new fresh write mail form and point to the main body of the new mail and right click and then touch on paste. Wham the copied text is pasted into your mail. Now select the subject and who you want to send it to and touch on send.

Romantic Scams

Nigerian scam comes in many forms: 419 scam, when they offer to transfer millions of dollars into your bank account, or lottery scam, when they tell you that you've won something in some bogus lottery.

However, Nigerian dating scam (or romance scam), besides just asking for money for their studies, sick relatives, etc.. usually involves this scheme: the scammers upload fake attractive photos, in most cases of white people. They pretend to be the foreign specialists working in Nigeria or Ghana (usually originally from US and UK, but it may also be Canada, Australia or any other European country).

After they establish some lovely correspondence with you, fall in love and maybe even send a couple of cheap presents, they will either:

a) be almost on their way to meet you, but something will happen to them: they will get robbed, beaten, get into the hospital, or other misfortune will happen and of course you will be their only contact to ask for financial help, or:

b) tell you that their employer pays them with Money Orders, and they can't cash them in Nigeria. They will send you the Money Orders and ask you to deposit them into your bank account and then wire the money to them via Western Union. Usually they say to keep some money for your trouble. Needless to say, those Money Orders are no good, and not even worth the paper they're printed on. If you cash them or deposit them into your account, Money Orders will come back after few weeks as fraudulent and you will be responsible for paying back the money to the bank and sometimes even charged for passing counterfeit instrument.

There is also a re-shipping scam, when they will ask you to re-ship goods for them. These goods are purchased with stolen credit cards. Never re-ship anything for strangers, especially to Africa. There is a reason why online merchants usually don't ship there.

There are also military scams (for God Sake, there are NO American Generals browsing dating sites and NO military man will EVER ask you for money. Then there is a recovery scam - a scammer recontacting you pretending to be FBI, EFCC or any other authority, telling he can help you recover your money... but for a fee, of course. And finaly there is a "stuck parcel" scam, when they supposedly sent you goods/gifts, but they got stuck somewhere on the way (for example, on the customs) and you have to pay to "customs"/bogus shipping company to get them. All types of scams are described in details on Romancescam.

Email Address:

Example: joe@domain.com

Please remember: white people in Nigeria or Ghana contacting you on the dating sites or socail networks are always 100% scam. No exceptions. There are no white engineers or female models stranded there. It is always scam. Once you stop giving it a benefit of doubt like newbies sometimes do, you will be safe.

When we say "Nigerian scam", it doesn't mean it originates from Nigeria only. It may also originate from any other West African country, like Ghana, Ivory Coast, Senegal etc.. But recently Malaysia became a real hotspot for Nigerian scams. There is a huge Nigerian cell operating out of Malaysia, targeting mostly Asian women. Please keep in mind: all these white engineers supposedly from the UK, but appearing in Malaysia, with awful spelling are in reality Nigerian scammers.

Where do scammers get their photos from? Many of their photos are taken from the modeling sites, like focushawaii, modelmayhem, newfaces, etc... Female pictures are almost always of the Internet porn models. But with male pictures, recently they started shifting from modeling pictures and mostly send pictures of ordinary men: either of their ex-victims or stolen from social networks, like myspace, tagged or facebook. Please visit our new picture blog Scamdigger, to see if a pic in question has been known to be used in scams.

You should always keep in mind: the photos you see on the scammers profiles ARE NOT the actual faces of people who are scamming you! It is very important to understand that you are NOT looking at the photos of scammers, those are photos of innocent people that scammers use, and in a way those people are victims too. To see how scammers look like in reality, please check our hall of shame, Scammers 4 real.

The scammers have many faces: not only they frequently change names, e-mails and photos, but they may list themselves on different dating sites as being of different gender, race, age, location and sexual orientation. Sometimes on the opposite: many scammers may simultaneously use the photos of the same person, like for example the images of this poor guy: looks like half of Nigeria is using his photos.

This page is just a brief overview, sort of a doorway to our major mega-site:
Romancescam. Please visit Romancescam for more info, photo galleries, and huge forum with over 38,000 members. Submit your scammer report there, read other victims' stories, reasearch your scammer and educate yourself how not to fall a victim!
http://www.datingnmore.com/fraud/scam_database.htm

Scammers

Main (Travel) scamming scenario
The scammers on the Russian Internet dating scene are busy these days. They are so active that real women don't stand a chance! Using professional photos from the Cosmopolitan, or pictures of famous Russian actresses, they ensure success because men just can't go pass this "raving Russian beauty".
I am the director of AllSingleRussianGirls.com agency, and as a professional matchmaker who helps men from this, and other agencies, I am often asked for a professional opinion about the state of relationship with a girl, and to provide analysis if she is suspected to be a scammer. Over the years I have become well versed in the methods used. It would be great if you can heed advice below before you commit to a relationship that starts online. Below is a escription of their methods for entrapping men.
There are two types of Russian dating agencies: those that sell contact details to male clients, and those that have ladies in their database and suggest to men to write to them using their mail systems.
The first type of agency is the ideal place for such scammers to spin their web of deceit. Firstly they place a really good photo there, and many men of course write to their home address. Later on we will see what happens after letters start to flow, but please note that not all agencies delete the profiles of these "beauties" when clients complain about their tactics. Unfortunately though, in many cases men don't complain for the fear of not wanting to appear foolish for being taken in by a scammer - they don't want to feel foolish.
The second type of agencies, the subscription type, works in a different way.
How do scammers operate?
1. Firstly - beware of a GREAT photo on the site. Do not fool yourself. Having a photo says nothing about it belonging to the person responding. We do the checking of girls' information here in St-Petersburg by clients' requests, and I from time to time asked to verify "these Russian girls". They were usually men, who made scamming their profession, or who use their mother's or girlfriends' real name and surname needed for postal address to receive money through Western Union. There is no way you can know that the name of a woman you get is not a Russian girl of 20, but a Russian woman f 52, who is just asked by her son or neighbor to go and get money in Western Union office from time to time "for his business".That is the main problem in combating scammers online. While we can place a warning in the scam lists about a name/photo combination being part of a scam, they just find another picture, register another e-mail address, take another name, and they are ready to continue to "work". Many are men, and they know what men fall for; they know the nature of a man better than any women knows, and they know how to make a man lose his head. But now that you have read this, you will see immediately when a scam begins to unfold before you. You are forewarned, and you are now armed with invaluable information.
2. The next step in the scam is the "direct" approach - to make a man leave the site's experienced staff, and to begin to write to her private email. Scammers understand that if they begin to work their scam in the site's system or directly on the site, they will be immediately thrown out by the site's owners and other men warned. So they need to disassociate a man from the site's staff and focus their attention exclusively on themselves.
How is it done? In fact the method is a signature that gives them away, because it is always the same. The scammers write to a large number of men. The letter can be large or small, but after some small talk there is an nvitation to write to "her" email directly. If you are standing in the street, and a very nice and interesting girl comes to you and invites you to go with her to a dark alley, will you go???? I think, no, at least, not in all cities. you will realize that you have nothing to wait in those dark alleys except problems Of course, if you have talked with the girl face to face; had a walk with her, and began to feel her personality, moods, and nature; if you begin to feel interested in her and to fall in love with her, then yes, you will want to meet with her directly and intimately, kissing and whispering sweet little nothings to each other. However I doubt this will happen on your first meeting, so why should it happen after one letter? When a girl gives her email in the first letter to you, beware. This is a warning sign for me. I will be grateful if you can write to the managers of the agency so that we can pay more attention to this girl, and try to check her credentials immediately. Another interesting observation is that they almost never take the test on our site. They seem to be afraid that it will detect their true nature, so they shy away from it. Let's imagine that you follow the girl's request, and write to her direct email. What should be her next steps?
3. Exchanging letters with "her" is the next step in the scam. It's interesting that in the several last cases of detected scam the "girls" wrote to the men that they work as nurses or doctors in clinics, but maybe it is a coincidence and they can invent different professions. I know of a case when a man and a "girl" exchanged 38 letters in 38 days before the next step, so it depends on the case, but would you believe that a doctor or nurse has the time to write letters daily? These scammers are good psychologists, and it can depend on the individual they are trying to scam. What then are the warning signs?
4. The next warning sign is that the "girl" does not want to give you her telephone number. You will be told that yes, she can communicate each day with you over the Internet (or use the Internet at work), but she has no telephone. Yes, they understand that you want to hear her voice, and in many cases, they will take your telephone and call you, but you won't be able to call her, not at work, and not at home.
5. Another warning sign is that you will be told about her love for you very quickly in the relationship. You can expect to have an acknowledgement of love already in the second letter.
6. So now we are ready for the "close". The "girl" thinks that you are ready (especially on ICQ where things start to happen very quickly), and she makes her next move. Sometimes she will say that her friend has a man in Spain, Italy or Germany, and this friend went to Spain and met her man there. Now you are ready for the "close", when she says that she wants the same trip, but with you. She wants to come to the USA "and have two wonderful weeks alone with you". What the two of you will do together will be outlined in great detail, including dancing the first evening, and hiking the next day and so on. There is usually a lot of discussion what you will do together, where you will go, how wonderfully you will spend these two weeks. What man can refuse such an offer?
7. Of course next she asks for the money to go to Moscow, to apply for a visa and buy tickets to the US. In some cases, she can ask for US$1500, and in some cases she can say that she has half the money and so "only" needs the second half. It will depend on her "budget". Be aware that IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR A RUSSIAN WOMAN TO GO TO USA so easily - COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE. That is usually when I come on the scene. Many men have heard about it, and know it well, so when a woman begins to ask for money to be in the US in two weeks, they come to consult with me about possibilities. We usually do the girl's identity check straight away and find that all of her story is a fake. I have investigated several such cases, and I am now sure that it can't be my mistake or the girl's innocence and naivete. If a girl asks you for money to go to the USA - Do not fool yourself. She is not an innocent and a bit silly girl who does not know the realities of life. She (as a rule, he) is a thief who is after your money. If you offer to come to her and meet her in her home town, she will refuse point blank, and will insist on her coming to you.
There is only one way to stop these scams. If all men stop sending them money they will stop their "business". If you find yourself in this situation stop communicating with her immediately. Tell the agency about her. For now they can't be stopped by a scammers' list, but only by men realizing their true identity, and not sending money. Deny them what they are after and that will be the best way to make your mark on the fight to clean the online dating industry of scams.

Rebuttal

Women

This could have been included in the Gospels!

While creating women, God promised men
that good and obedient wives would be found
in all corners of the world.

And then He smiled and made the earth round.

British Red Coats


During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."
Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

Coffee and Testicles

A guy goes to the California DOT office to apply for a job.The interviewer asks him,
"Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. " Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm,
why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Trip to France

A group of guys took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to stand, kneel and sit when the rest of the congregation did, so it wouldn't be obvious they were tourists. At one point, the priest spoke and the man sitting next to them stood up, so they got up, too. The entire congregation broke into hearty laughter.

After the service they approached the priest, who spoke English, and asked him what had been so funny. The priest said he had announced a birth in the parish and asked the father to stand up

Just because someone doesn't love you in the way you want them to, doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they've got.

~ Author Unknown

Lawyer Joke

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

The Golden Urinal

The Gold Urinal

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, . . . . . . Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

I have seen these at numerous places, so they are evidently reproducing....
I can't imagine they can run very fast with those short legs.




A NEW SUB SPECIES: THE GANGSTAPITTHECUS.

Canadian Tolerance

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Prince George.

I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant.

Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.


That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.


Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."


All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...

Fashion?

Grandma

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost inthought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn'thonked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something..

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the windowand gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Speaking Southern

To my Southern friends, you know these meanings...and to my Northern (and Western) friends, just a little education on speaking Southern.


Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."






Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Looziana .."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Looziana 'cause everythang happens in Looziana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."




Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but don’t worry; I got the license number."




North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tar."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."




Tennessee

A TennesseeState trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"




Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

Mass Exit

Massive exit from Florida July 1, 2012


BUT THEY CAN'T TEST STATE WORKERS!!!!
GREAT GOING FLORIDA!!

ALL States Need This, Especially CALIFORNIA !!!

THIS IS FOR REAL......LAW GOES INTO EFFECT JULY 1st !!!!!
It's about damn time!!!!!

I am expecting that EVERYONE on my address list will forward this and
please send a copy to me, I'm sure you will understand why.

Great going, Florida You set the stage for the other States to join!

Kudos to Republican Governor Rick Scott for having the correctness and
guts to move forward on this critical issue!

I-95 will be jammed for the next month or so........Druggies and
deadbeats heading North out of Florida .
Florida is the first state requiring drug testing to receive welfare!

In signing the new law, Republican Gov. Rick Scott said, "If Floridians
want welfare, they better make sure they are drug-free.
Applicants who test positive for illicit substances won't be eligible
for the funds for a year, or until they undergo treatment.
Those who fail a second time would be banned from receiving funds for
three years!
Naturally, a few people are crying this is unconstitutional.
How is this unconstitutional?
It's completely legal that every other working people have to pass drug
tests in order to get a J-O-B which supports those on welfare!
Forward if you agree!!
Let's get Welfare back to the ones who NEED it, not those who WON'T get
a JOB.....
I AGREE!!!! 100%....







____________

Piss Poor

NOW THIS IS A REAL EDUCATION:

Where did “piss poor” come from ?


Us older people need to learn something new every day...
Just to keep the gray matter tuned up.

Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
Interesting History.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins,
so families used to all pee in a pot.

And then once it was full it was taken
and sold to the tannery...
if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...

They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the
lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing