Military Jokes :: #696
By Mark from USA.

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

International Jokes :: #22716
By from Unknown



The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.



As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



There will be growing publikenthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.



Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.



Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.



Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.



Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.



If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Mystic

>
>
> In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
> "There's no easy way to tell you this Laura, so I'll just be blunt.
> Prepare yourself to be a widow.
> Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
>
>
> Visibly shaken, Laura flashed her eyes at the Mystic's lined face,
> then to the single flickering candle, and finally down at her hands.
>
>
>
> She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her racing mind.
>
>
> She simply had to know.
>
>
> She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,
> "Will I be acquitted?"
>
>
> For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........

Snow Plow





Now that I'm retired & need a little extra income to get me through, I got my new snow plow ready for the cold and snowy winter.

So just let me know when you need your sidewalks cleaned ... I can probably work out a good rate for you as long as we keep it under the table!

For all you other retirees, I'm thinking of setting up a dealership and will be selling these new snow plows starting in early January.

Elderly Jokes :: #16423
By Anonymous from USA.

Son: Mom, hi. How are you? How’s everything in Florida?

Mom: Not too good. I’ve been weak.

Son: Why are you weak?

Mom: Never mind.

Son: What’s wrong?

Mom: Never mind. It’s okay.

Son: Why are you weak, Mom?

Mom: I haven’t eaten in thirty days.

Son: That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten?

Mom: Because I didn’t want my mouth to be fill with food if you should call

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #22384
By Y. Franklin from Chorley Lancashire United Kingdom

A garage mechanic comes out to rescue a broken down car. Out of respect for other drivers the mechanic leaves his hazards on while parked on the side of the road. The exhaust from the broken down car has fallen off and needs tying up before the car can be driven onto the mechanic's trailer. The mechanic tells the car owner "As it is only 3:00pm I should be able to have the car ready for you by 5pm". At 5:10pm the mechanic rings the car owner. "Sorry I didn't ring you by 5:00pm, but I only got back to the garage 5 minutes ago. "Why, what happened?" asked the car owner. "My vehicle battery went flat, and I had to ring the garage to ask for another mechanic to come out and rescue me," replied the mechanic.

Men Vs. Women Jokes :: #15488
By Owens Pomeroy from USA.

Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center

rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had

fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I

wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I

walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car

and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay!

Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young lady, gave

me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"