A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The worker trying to communicate said “No, no, he no look to good.” The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened. The worker said, “I told you he no look to good”

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a

pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying

on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!” and she pushed

him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom

discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man

replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,........ "Those little bastards."

One Liners Jokes :: #21606
By Anonymous from USA.

If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.

LAST TRIP TO KROGER'S

Yesterday I was at my local Kroger's buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think...I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Kroger's won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.


If you send this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

Two of the greatest qualities in life:

1. Patience

2. Wisdom

Maria's wedding night
Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, she stayed at her mother's house, and was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her: “Don't worry Maria, Tony's a good man.

Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta. "So, up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

“Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, “All good men have hairy chests.

Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, “Mama, Mama, Tony has hairy legs.”

“Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.

Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you. "So, up she went again.

When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

“Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" Her Mama said,

“Stay here and stir the pasta”…………;

This is even funnier when you realize it's real!


Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in
Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...



~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.


The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.


His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.


Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?


May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!


Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~

“How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy. “Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child”. What did she say?” his mother asked. “The teacher said, “Thank goodness”

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #16828
By from USA.

The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.

“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.

“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”

Too Busy for a Friend.....

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.

Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.

It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.

On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. 'Really?' she heard whispered. 'I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!' and, 'I didn't know others liked me so much,' were most of the comments.

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.

The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. 'Were you Mark's math teacher?' he asked. She nodded: 'yes.' Then he said: 'Mark talked about you a lot.'

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.

'We want to show you something,' his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket 'They found this on Mark when he was killed.. We thought you might recognize it.'

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.

'Thank you so much for doing that,' Mark's mother said. 'As you can see, Mark treasured it.'

All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, 'I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home.'

Chuck's wife said, 'Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.'

'I have mine too,' Marilyn said. 'It's in my diary'

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. 'I carry this with me at all times,' Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: 'I think we all saved our lists'

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.

And One Way To Accomplish This Is: Forward this message on. If you do not send it, you will have, once again passed up the wonderful opportunity to do something nice and beautiful.

If you've received this, it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care.

If you're 'too busy' to take those few minutes right now to forward this message on, would this be the VERY first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships?

The more people that you send this to, the better you'll be at reaching out to those you care about. Remember, you reap what you sow.
What you put into the lives of others comes
back into your own.

Cannibal Jokes :: #2144
By Kerry Caldwell from Seattle Washington USA.

Two guys were walking through the jungle and got captured by a group of cannibals. The cannibals put them in a huge pot and start to boil the water. All of a sudden one of the guys started laughing. "What are you laughing about?" the other guy says, "We are about to be eaten!" And the other man replied, "I peed in their soup!

Military Jokes :: #12308
By Russ Stilwell from Milford CT USA.

The Army has been experimenting for years to come up with a liquid that will eat through anything and they finally did it. It eats through glass, stainless steel, iron,and all kinds of metal, rock and granite. Now if they could only find something to put it in.

Marriage Jokes :: #4133
By bill from Flat Rock Mi USA.

The husband is watching TV suddenly his wife comes up behind him and slaps him on the head. Startled he asks; “What was that for”. She replies: I found this piece of paper in your shirt pocket with this Judy name on it. The husband explains he went to the racetrack and the favorite horse was “Judy” so he wrote it down. The wife apologizes. A couple of days later the wife comes behind her husband and hits him with a shovel, again he asks: “What was that for?" The wife replies: “Your horse just called and asked for you."

Teachers Jokes :: #580
By Anonymous from USA.

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”

Work Jokes :: #254
By Anonymous from USA.

These are responses you may use when caught slepping on the job:

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Lawyer Joke

Lawyer Jokes :: #470
By Anonymous from USA.

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

A sign posted in a Dentist's office said:

"Please be nice to our dentists. They have fillings too."

A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” beg the attorney. “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the governor

Sex Jokes :: #14541
By from Unknown

A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old

son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are

these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,

son....Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy

pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are

there 3 in this package?" The Dad replies, "Those are for high school

boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says

the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for

college boys." The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO

for Sunday." WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........

Lawyer Jokes :: #470
By Anonymous from USA.

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure.

A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.

He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.

On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.

The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?

Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?

The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.

The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.

Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.

Adult Material

In a nursing home, there is this old woman named Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a nun, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The nun says, "Gladys, you know you're not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room. Gladys starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to him, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The minister is shocked and tells her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an old man lying on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells "Super Pussy!" The man slowly turns his head and says, "Thanks, I think I'll have the soup."

Business & Work Jokes :: #181
By John Cheslom from USA.

Just a little work

I'm tired. For a couple of years I've been blaming it on iron, poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. Boy Oh Boy.. And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired, I'm the only one working

Teachers Jokes :: #19999
By Anonymous from USA.

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Peter: Because they had so many knights

Kids & Family Jokes :: #14450
By from USA.

Little Sue came running in from school. “Mommy! Mommy! At show and tell,

Bobby showed us something that is six inches long, has two nuts, and can make me very fat!”

Gasping, the Mom said, “Sue! What on earth did he show you?

The girl replied, “An Almond Joy!”

Good Quotes

College

College

A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.

This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.

The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".

Doctor

Doctors Jokes :: #2283
By Joaquim Godinho from Mumbai India India

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never felt better," he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride and she's having my baby! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment then "Well let me you a story I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near the creek, and suddenly he spots a beaver in the brush in front of him. He rises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" says the old man in disbelief," "someone else must have shot the beaver!"

"Bingo!" says the doctor

Marriage Jokes :: #21271
By candice ramroop from durban kwa zulu natal South Africa

People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’.

I say there is.....

Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’

Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished

Children

This is why we love children!

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,
"Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out… 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

A drunken man walked up to a parking meter and puts in some change. The meter goes up to sixty and he says, "Hey, I lost 100 pounds!"

Blondes

Female Jokes :: #144
By Mariela Munoz from USA.

How to be politically correct with women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

Beer

Bar & Drinking Jokes :: #320
By Anonymous from USA.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

3900 Saturdays'

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.
-------------

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other.. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those Lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:
-------------

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about 'a thousand marbles..' I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say....
------------

' Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It's too bad you missed your daughter's 'dance recital' he continued. 'Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.' And that's when he began to explain his theory of a 'thousand marbles.'
------------

'You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic.. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.
-----------

'Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part.
------------

It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail', he went on, 'and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays.' 'I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear.'
------------

'Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life.
--------------

There's nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight .'
------------

'Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time.. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.'
---------

'It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!
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You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter
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Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. 'C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast.' 'What brought this on?' she asked with a smile. 'Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles
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A friend sent this to me, so I to you, my friend
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And so, as one smart bear once said.....'If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.' - Winnie the Pooh.
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Pass this on to all of your FRIENDS, even if it means sending it to the person that sent it to you
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And if you receive this e-mail many times from many different people, it only means that you have many FRIENDS.
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And if you get it but once, do not be discouraged for you will know that you have at least one good friend...
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And that would be ME

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the small New England town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and idly chatting about their lives, their families, etc., when suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Everyone quickly evacuated the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Do you not know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,

"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 31 years."

Subject: Holes in the quilt

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls. Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that was our life.


But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labelled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.


I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.


My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.


Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose, each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me and nodded for me to rise.


My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.


And now, I had to face the truth: My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.


I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.


Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image: the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.


'Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'


May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!


God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay and who you refuse to let go.


I need this back. If you'll do this for me, I'll do it for you. When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need..


Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.


"Father, bless all my family and friends in whatever it is that You know they may need this day! And may their life be full of Your peace, prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with You. Amen."

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough...

I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?

She had three men giving her directions

KIDS IN CHURCH



KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dead Goldfish

Animal Jokes :: #4543
By from Unknown

One day little Jimmy was digging a hole in his backyard and his neighbor, who knew Jimmy was always up to no good, asked him what he was doing! He replied, "I am burying my dead fish", he then started crying, Why is the hole sooooo big she asked. Because your cat ate it and I buried him too

Little Johnny

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.

' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

Bar & Drinking Jokes :: #308
By Anonymous from USA.

Q: How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

Work Jokes :: #4774
By Elizabeth from Australia

An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."

Work

Work Jokes :: #895
By from Unknown

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

Blonde Joke

Blonde Jokes :: #14323
By Anonymous from USA.

Q: What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

A: Oh look! Donut Seeds!

The President of a Latin American country announced today that he is changing the nation’s emblem to a condom as it more clearly reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom stands for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it’s actually screwing you.

A man's joke

Sex Jokes :: #1758
By Melissa from Cameroon

Q. What is the speed limit for sex?

A. 68, at 69 you have to turn around!

MAYBE IT WOULD BE BETTER WITH HIM OUT OF THE GENE POOL.


Today's Bad Idea

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts..
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Old age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is .. . ... ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money....
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.


Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*


Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short.
Dance naked. Woo-hoo!

The best answer to the question asked in an interview, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?" . . . "In the mirror as always . . "

By Anonymous from USA.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?

A. They can't stand criticism.