Saturday, October 27, 2012
Sven and Ole
Two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking
> up.
> A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
> "Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, " said Sven, "but ve
> don't haff a ladder."
> The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and
> laid
> the pole down on the ground.
> Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement,
> announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
> Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer
> da
> height and she gives us da length!"
> Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently
> serving in the United States Senate.
55th High School Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having
55th High School Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 55th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high... the widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiled coyly back at him.
Finally, the widower picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes, I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning, he was troubled. Did she say Yes?... or did she say No?
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him, he could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then asked her his question. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes?... or did you say No?
"Why you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will!' And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called... because I couldn't remember who asked me! Who did you say you were?"
Friday, October 26, 2012
PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a camp-fire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its b--t.'
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a camp-fire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its b--t.'
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
Kid Jokes :: #428
By Laura Buhler from St. George UT USA.
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!
Thursday, October 25, 2012
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When
your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy
from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which
one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not
too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these expensive
tests once and once only.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
with him.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When
your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy
from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which
one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not
too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these expensive
tests once and once only.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
with him.'
This Time We Will Show Up
They like to refer to us as senior citizens, old fogies, geezers, and in some cases dinosaurs.
Some of us are "Baby Boomers" getting ready to retire. Others have been retired for some time.
We walk a little slower these days and our eyes and hearing are not what they once were.
We have worked hard, raised our children, worshipped our God and grown old together.
Yes, we are the ones some refer to as being over the hill, and that is probably true.
But before writing us off completely, there are a few things that need to be taken into consideration.
In school we studied English, history, math, and science which enabled us to lead America into the technological age.
Most of us remember what outhouses were, many of us with firsthand experience. We remember the days of telephone party-lines, 25 cent gasoline, and milk and ice being delivered to our homes. For those of you who don't know what an icebox is, today they are electric
and referred to as refrigerators.
A few even remember when cars were started with a crank. Yes, we lived those days.
We are probably considered old fashioned and out-dated by many.
But there are a few things you need to remember before completely writing us off.
We won World War II, fought in Korea and Viet Nam .
We can quote The Pledge of Allegiance, and know where to place our hand while doing so.
We wore the uniform of our country with pride and lost many friends on the battlefield.
We didn't fight for the Socialist States of America ; we fought for the "Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave." We wore different uniforms but carried the same flag.
We know the words to the Star Spangled Banner, America , and America the Beautiful by heart, and you may even see some tears running down our cheeks as we sing.
We have lived what many of you have only read in history books and we feel no obligation to apologize to anyone for America .
Yes, we are old and slow these days but rest assured, we have at least one good fight left in us. We have loved this country, fought for it, and died for it, and now we are going to save it. It is our country and nobody is going to take it away from us. We took oaths to defend America against all enemies, foreign and domestic, and that is an oath we plan to keep. There are those who want to destroy this land we love but, like our founders, there is no way we are going to remain silent.
You have tasted socialism and seen evil face to face, and have found you don't like it after all.
We entrusted you with the Torch of Liberty.
Well, don't worry youngsters, the Grey-Haired Brigade is here, and in 2012 we are going to take back our nation.
We may drive a little slower than you would like but we get where we're going, and in 2012 we're going to the polls by the millions.
This land belongs to "We the People" and "We the People" plan to reclaim our land and our freedom. The next time you have the chance to say the Pledge of Allegiance, Stand up, put your hand over your heart, honor our country, and thank God for the old geezers of the "Grey-Haired Brigade."
Footnote:
This is spot on. I am another Gray-Haired Geezer signing on. I will circulate this to other Gray-Haired Geezers all over this once great country.
Can you feel the ground shaking ? It's not an earthquake, it is a STAMPEDE.
….to the Polls ! This is so true.
Our parents’ generation would be ashamed at what we have allowed to happen in our country. Let’s make them and our kids proud of what we will have reclaimed for them !
SHAME ON US FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN.
HITLER STARTED SMALL AND LOOK HOW MANY HE KILLED BEFORE WE WENT IN AND TOOK HIM OUT.
GOD BLESS AMERICA !
They like to refer to us as senior citizens, old fogies, geezers, and in some cases dinosaurs.
Some of us are "Baby Boomers" getting ready to retire. Others have been retired for some time.
We walk a little slower these days and our eyes and hearing are not what they once were.
We have worked hard, raised our children, worshipped our God and grown old together.
Yes, we are the ones some refer to as being over the hill, and that is probably true.
But before writing us off completely, there are a few things that need to be taken into consideration.
In school we studied English, history, math, and science which enabled us to lead America into the technological age.
Most of us remember what outhouses were, many of us with firsthand experience. We remember the days of telephone party-lines, 25 cent gasoline, and milk and ice being delivered to our homes. For those of you who don't know what an icebox is, today they are electric
and referred to as refrigerators.
A few even remember when cars were started with a crank. Yes, we lived those days.
We are probably considered old fashioned and out-dated by many.
But there are a few things you need to remember before completely writing us off.
We won World War II, fought in Korea and Viet Nam .
We can quote The Pledge of Allegiance, and know where to place our hand while doing so.
We wore the uniform of our country with pride and lost many friends on the battlefield.
We didn't fight for the Socialist States of America ; we fought for the "Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave." We wore different uniforms but carried the same flag.
We know the words to the Star Spangled Banner, America , and America the Beautiful by heart, and you may even see some tears running down our cheeks as we sing.
We have lived what many of you have only read in history books and we feel no obligation to apologize to anyone for America .
Yes, we are old and slow these days but rest assured, we have at least one good fight left in us. We have loved this country, fought for it, and died for it, and now we are going to save it. It is our country and nobody is going to take it away from us. We took oaths to defend America against all enemies, foreign and domestic, and that is an oath we plan to keep. There are those who want to destroy this land we love but, like our founders, there is no way we are going to remain silent.
You have tasted socialism and seen evil face to face, and have found you don't like it after all.
We entrusted you with the Torch of Liberty.
Well, don't worry youngsters, the Grey-Haired Brigade is here, and in 2012 we are going to take back our nation.
We may drive a little slower than you would like but we get where we're going, and in 2012 we're going to the polls by the millions.
This land belongs to "We the People" and "We the People" plan to reclaim our land and our freedom. The next time you have the chance to say the Pledge of Allegiance, Stand up, put your hand over your heart, honor our country, and thank God for the old geezers of the "Grey-Haired Brigade."
Footnote:
This is spot on. I am another Gray-Haired Geezer signing on. I will circulate this to other Gray-Haired Geezers all over this once great country.
Can you feel the ground shaking ? It's not an earthquake, it is a STAMPEDE.
….to the Polls ! This is so true.
Our parents’ generation would be ashamed at what we have allowed to happen in our country. Let’s make them and our kids proud of what we will have reclaimed for them !
SHAME ON US FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN.
HITLER STARTED SMALL AND LOOK HOW MANY HE KILLED BEFORE WE WENT IN AND TOOK HIM OUT.
GOD BLESS AMERICA !
For all my grammatically correct friends.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition , because we could end up with a dangling participle .
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition , because we could end up with a dangling participle .
Monday, October 22, 2012
Animal Jokes :: #372
By Walter Smith from Unknown
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
By Walter Smith from Unknown
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Elderly Jokes :: #12227
By Anonymous from USA.
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Chili
New Mexico Chili Cookoff
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This very ugly woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them..
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach..
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This very ugly woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them..
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach..
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years
Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years
Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable'
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable'
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Miscellaneous Jokes :: #10670
By Suzanne Lockyer from NW Ontario Canada
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba
Some A-hole looked at my beer belly in the pub last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."
***
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a shave, and got your hair cut, you'd look pretty good."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
***
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
***
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
***
"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church, but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
"Is that Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."
***
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a shave, and got your hair cut, you'd look pretty good."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
***
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
***
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
***
"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church, but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Important info....please take the time to read.
Don't wash your hair in the shower!!!
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!
INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT
WARNING TO US ALL!!!
Shampoo Warning!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very
clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering
with Dawn dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!
Don't wash your hair in the shower!!!
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!
INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT
WARNING TO US ALL!!!
Shampoo Warning!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very
clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering
with Dawn dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!
Male Jokes :: #348
By Damarys Ortega from USA.
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA
When hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast , even houses of worship were not spared.
A local television station interviewed a woman from New Orleans and asked how the loss of churches in the area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know 'bout all those other people,
but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."
When hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast , even houses of worship were not spared.
A local television station interviewed a woman from New Orleans and asked how the loss of churches in the area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know 'bout all those other people,
but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."
Monday, October 15, 2012
Family Jokes :: #2704
By Anonymous from USA.
A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as
the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew
enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as
the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew
enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"
Is it Halloween yet? CUTE!!
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got t o know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom..
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom..
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER !"
............ ............ ...............
Oh for goodness sake.. Laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly ....little cute............. And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sounds to me like she's ....... !
......been ......sweeping around!!!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE
Submitted by Jonalee Echols from Bullard Texas.
1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.
3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Submitted by Jonalee Echols from Bullard Texas.
1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.
3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Four leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Political Jokes :: #9265
By alison from USA.
Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Billy
Educational Jokes :: #5625
By Amanda Nanda from USA.
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."He returns her gaze, "Anything?""Anything."His voice softens, "Anything?""Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
New way
of STEALING...
ESPECIALLY LOOK AT SCENE THREE...
Be sure to
read Scene 3. Quite interesting.
This is a new
one. People sure stay busy
Trying to cheat us, don't they?
SCENE 1.
A friend went to the local gym and
placed his belongings in the
locker. After the
workout and a
shower, he came out, saw the locker open, and thought
to himself,
'Funny, I thought I locked the locker...
Hmm, 'He dressed
and just flipped the wallet to make sure all was in
order.
Everything looked okay - all cards were in place...
A few
weeks later his credit card bill came - a whooping bill
of
$14,000!
He called the credit card company and started
yelling at them,
saying that he did
not make the
transactions.
Customer care personnel verified that there was
no mistake in the
system and
asked if his card had been
stolen...
'No,' he said, but then took out his wallet, pulled out
the credit
card, and yep -
you guessed it - a switch had been
made.
An expired similar credit card from the same bank was in
the wallet.
The thief broke into his locker at the gym and
switched cards.
Verdict: The credit card issuer said since he
did not report the
card missing
earlier, he would have to
pay the amount owed to them.
How much did he have to pay for
items he did not buy?
$9,000! Why were there no calls
made to verify the amount swiped?
Small amounts rarely trigger a
'warning bell' with some credit card
companies. It just so happens
that all the small amounts added up to
big one!
============================
SCENE 2.
A man
at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his credit
card.
The bill for the meal came, he signed it and the waitress
folded the
receipt and
passed the credit card
along.
Usually, he would just take it and place it in his
wallet or pocket.
Funny enough,
though, he actually took a look
at the card and, lo and behold, it
was the expired
card
of another person.
He called the waitress and she looked
perplexed.
She took it back, apologized, and hurried back to
the counter under
the watchful eye of the
man.
All the
waitress did while walking to the counter was wave the
wrong
expired card to the
counter cashier, and the counter
cashier immediately looked down and
took out the real
card.
No exchange of words --- nothing! She took it and
came back to the
man with an apology..
(This scenario actually
happened to me at a local restaurant- Falls
Terrace-between the
waitress
and the front desk cashier.)
Verdict: Make
sure the credit cards in your wallet are yours.
Check the name
on the card every time you sign for something and/or
the card is
taken
away for even a short period of time.
Many people just
take back the credit card without even looking at
it,
'assuming'
that it has to be theirs.
FOR YOUR OWN SAKE,
DEVELOP THE HABIT OF CHECKING YOUR CREDIT CARD
EACH
TIME IT IS
RETURNED TO YOU AFTER A TRANSACTION!
==========================
SCENE 3:
Yesterday I went into a pizza restaurant to
pick up an order that I
had called in.
I paid by using my
Visa Check Card which, of course, is linked
directly to my
checking
Account.
The young man behind the counter took my
card, swiped it, then laid
it on the counter
as he waited for
the approval, which is pretty standard procedure.
While he
waited, he picked up his cell phone and started dialing.
I
noticed the phone because it is the same model I have, but
nothing
seemed out of the
ordinary. Then I heard a click that
sounded like my phone sounds
when I take a picture.
He then
gave me back my card but kept the phone in his hand as if he
was
still pressing
buttons.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking: I wonder
what he is taking a picture of,
oblivious to what was
really
going on.
It then dawned on me: the only thing there was my
credit card, so
now I'm paying close
attention to what he is
doing..
He set his phone on the counter, leaving it
open.
About five seconds later, I heard the chime that tells
you that the
picture has been
saved.
Now I'm standing
there struggling with the fact that this boy just
took a picture of
my
credit card.
Yes, he played it off well, because had we
not had the same kind of
phone, I probably would
never have
known what happened.
Needless to say, I immediately canceled
that card as I was walking
out of the pizza parlour.
All I
am saying is, be aware of your surroundings at all
times.
Whenever you are using your credit card take caution and
don't be
careless.
Notice who is standing near you and what
they are doing when you use
your card.
Be aware of phones,
because many have a camera phone these days.
FORWARD THIS
TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN THINK OF. LET'S GET THE
WORD
OUT!
JUST BE AWARE.
Never let your card out of your sight.....check and
check again!
Scary isn't it.....
New way of STEALING...
Don't delete this
one!!
of STEALING...
ESPECIALLY LOOK AT SCENE THREE...
Be sure to
read Scene 3. Quite interesting.
This is a new
one. People sure stay busy
Trying to cheat us, don't they?
SCENE 1.
A friend went to the local gym and
placed his belongings in the
locker. After the
workout and a
shower, he came out, saw the locker open, and thought
to himself,
'Funny, I thought I locked the locker...
Hmm, 'He dressed
and just flipped the wallet to make sure all was in
order.
Everything looked okay - all cards were in place...
A few
weeks later his credit card bill came - a whooping bill
of
$14,000!
He called the credit card company and started
yelling at them,
saying that he did
not make the
transactions.
Customer care personnel verified that there was
no mistake in the
system and
asked if his card had been
stolen...
'No,' he said, but then took out his wallet, pulled out
the credit
card, and yep -
you guessed it - a switch had been
made.
An expired similar credit card from the same bank was in
the wallet.
The thief broke into his locker at the gym and
switched cards.
Verdict: The credit card issuer said since he
did not report the
card missing
earlier, he would have to
pay the amount owed to them.
How much did he have to pay for
items he did not buy?
$9,000! Why were there no calls
made to verify the amount swiped?
Small amounts rarely trigger a
'warning bell' with some credit card
companies. It just so happens
that all the small amounts added up to
big one!
============================
SCENE 2.
A man
at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his credit
card.
The bill for the meal came, he signed it and the waitress
folded the
receipt and
passed the credit card
along.
Usually, he would just take it and place it in his
wallet or pocket.
Funny enough,
though, he actually took a look
at the card and, lo and behold, it
was the expired
card
of another person.
He called the waitress and she looked
perplexed.
She took it back, apologized, and hurried back to
the counter under
the watchful eye of the
man.
All the
waitress did while walking to the counter was wave the
wrong
expired card to the
counter cashier, and the counter
cashier immediately looked down and
took out the real
card.
No exchange of words --- nothing! She took it and
came back to the
man with an apology..
(This scenario actually
happened to me at a local restaurant- Falls
Terrace-between the
waitress
and the front desk cashier.)
Verdict: Make
sure the credit cards in your wallet are yours.
Check the name
on the card every time you sign for something and/or
the card is
taken
away for even a short period of time.
Many people just
take back the credit card without even looking at
it,
'assuming'
that it has to be theirs.
FOR YOUR OWN SAKE,
DEVELOP THE HABIT OF CHECKING YOUR CREDIT CARD
EACH
TIME IT IS
RETURNED TO YOU AFTER A TRANSACTION!
==========================
SCENE 3:
Yesterday I went into a pizza restaurant to
pick up an order that I
had called in.
I paid by using my
Visa Check Card which, of course, is linked
directly to my
checking
Account.
The young man behind the counter took my
card, swiped it, then laid
it on the counter
as he waited for
the approval, which is pretty standard procedure.
While he
waited, he picked up his cell phone and started dialing.
I
noticed the phone because it is the same model I have, but
nothing
seemed out of the
ordinary. Then I heard a click that
sounded like my phone sounds
when I take a picture.
He then
gave me back my card but kept the phone in his hand as if he
was
still pressing
buttons.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking: I wonder
what he is taking a picture of,
oblivious to what was
really
going on.
It then dawned on me: the only thing there was my
credit card, so
now I'm paying close
attention to what he is
doing..
He set his phone on the counter, leaving it
open.
About five seconds later, I heard the chime that tells
you that the
picture has been
saved.
Now I'm standing
there struggling with the fact that this boy just
took a picture of
my
credit card.
Yes, he played it off well, because had we
not had the same kind of
phone, I probably would
never have
known what happened.
Needless to say, I immediately canceled
that card as I was walking
out of the pizza parlour.
All I
am saying is, be aware of your surroundings at all
times.
Whenever you are using your credit card take caution and
don't be
careless.
Notice who is standing near you and what
they are doing when you use
your card.
Be aware of phones,
because many have a camera phone these days.
FORWARD THIS
TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN THINK OF. LET'S GET THE
WORD
OUT!
JUST BE AWARE.
Never let your card out of your sight.....check and
check again!
Scary isn't it.....
New way of STEALING...
Don't delete this
one!!
Four Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.....
Sh*t on the paper.......
Screwed the other three cats........
Claimed he injured his back while doing so.
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
Put in for Workers Compensation..................and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.....
Sh*t on the paper.......
Screwed the other three cats........
Claimed he injured his back while doing so.
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
Put in for Workers Compensation..................and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!
Military Jokes :: #260
By Mark O. from Unknown
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"
Men Vs. Women Jokes :: #6902
By drew from USA.
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started
back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a
grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your
private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
Bar & Drinking Jokes :: #460
By Yolandita "I no longer work there" Ortiz from Unknown
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
Monday, October 8, 2012
Kid Jokes :: #73
By Emilio Candia from Santiago R. M. Chile
Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"
By Emilio Candia from Santiago R. M. Chile
Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Marriage Jokes :: #154
By Dave Fanno from Unknown
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
By Dave Fanno from Unknown
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Friday, October 5, 2012
A Conversation in Heaven
SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.
WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA:
I froze to death.
WANDA:
How horrible!
SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad.
After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA:
So, what happened?
WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.
MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
>
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
> 3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
>
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
>
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
>
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
>
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
>
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
>
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
>
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
>
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
>
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
>
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
> 3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
>
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
>
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
>
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
>
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
>
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
>
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
>
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
>
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
>
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Work Jokes :: #605
By SimpleSentiments.com from Pembroke Pines Florida Unknown
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."
Animal Jokes :: #715
By Simple Sentiments from USA.
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,
"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,
"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"
Monday, October 1, 2012
THE JEWISH BOARD OF DIRECTORS
Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were all close friends since childhood.
They decided they wanted to go into business together.
Schwartz says, "OK! I'll invest $100,000."
Cohen says, "I will go for $200,000."
Ginsburg says, "All right, I'll put in $1,000."
Cohen says, "Since I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO of the corporation. Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO. And Ginsburg, for your $1,000, you will be our Sexual Adviser."
Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, "What is a Sexual Adviser?"
Cohen replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."
Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were all close friends since childhood.
They decided they wanted to go into business together.
Schwartz says, "OK! I'll invest $100,000."
Cohen says, "I will go for $200,000."
Ginsburg says, "All right, I'll put in $1,000."
Cohen says, "Since I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO of the corporation. Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO. And Ginsburg, for your $1,000, you will be our Sexual Adviser."
Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, "What is a Sexual Adviser?"
Cohen replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."
When things look to good there is always a catch!
One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Biker : "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Biker : "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Biker : "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Biker : "You better believe it."
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good,'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Biker : "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Biker : "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Biker : "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Biker : "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Biker : "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Biker : "You better believe it."
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good,'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Biker : "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Biker : "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
Airplane Jokes :: #10637
By Anonymous from USA.
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."
2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."
3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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