A few thoughts
Now that I'm older.... here's a few things that I've learned:


1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being forgetful....

5. Funny, I don't remember being forgetful....

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you really haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play checkers?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses.... ....they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the length and depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

19. Funny, I don't remember being forgetful.

20. I can't remember if I've sent you this before. No big deal... You probably don't remember either.

Shave and a Haircut

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied:"You just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF, GRADY JUDD


An illegal alien, in Polk County, Florida, who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had."
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what!

The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: (BEST QUOTE ever)
. . .."When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."

Just something funny to read.



1) It’s better to be crazy & know it than being sane & doubt it.

2) I’m lost. I've gone out to find me. If I come back before I return, please ask me to wait.

3) I live in my own little world!!! But that's okay, cause they know me there.

4) No lifeguard on duty. Swim at your own risk...

5) Daydreaming is way better than school!

6) Education is the progressive relation of our ignorance.

7) Insanity: A perfectly normal change to a normal mind.

8) The voices in my head are snoring.

9) Me? Psychotic? What gave you that idea?

10) I’m not crazy! It's the rest of you that are freaks!

11) You say I'm psycho like it's a bad thing!

12) Insanity in individuals is something rare but in groups, parties, nations, & epochs... it is the rule!!!

13) Only two things are infinite: the universe, & human stupidity...

14) My fist & your teeth have an appointment...

15) If nobody is perfect then hi, my name is Nobody.

16) Caution: Professionals at work

17) I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

18) Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off till further notice!!!

19) Lifting weights are fun!!!

Use your siblings to your advantage.

Stosh Zelkovitski
worked in a Polish pickle factory.


For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle
slicer.


Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the
factory
psychologist.


After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Stosh to go ahead
and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.


The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became
alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Stosh tearfully confessed
his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to
explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was
immediately
fired.


Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his
pants and
shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and
said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"


Stosh replied, "I think she got fired, too."

A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.' The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

'Oh.. OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'

I LOVE THIS ONE........




'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights

And running boards, you might as well gas up!

[FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!! ]

Family Jokes :: #11473
By ledonon from rieumes France

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all

the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three

times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he

wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you

guys."

A Jewish Boycott
~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~
A short time ago, Iran’s Supreme Leader Grand Ayatollah Ali Khomenei urged the Muslim World to boycott anything and everything that originates with the Jewish people.

In response, Meyer M. Treinkman, a pharmacist, out of the kindness of his heart, offered to assist them in their boycott as follows:

Any Muslim who has Syphilis must not be cured by Salvarsan discovered by a Jew, Dr. Ehrlich. He should not even try to find out whether he has Syphilis, because the Wasserman Test is the discovery of a Jew. If a Muslim suspects that he has Gonorrhea, he must not seek diagnosis, because he will be using the method of a Jew named Neissner.

A Muslim who has heart disease must not use Digitalis, a discovery by a Jew, Ludwig Traube.

Should he suffer with a toothache, he must not use Novocain, a discovery of the Jews, Widal and Weil.

If a Muslim has Diabetes, he must not use Insulin, the result of research by Minkowsky, a Jew. If one has a headache, he must shun Pyramidon and Antypyrin, due to the Jews, Spiro and Ellege.

Muslims with convulsions must put up with them because it was a Jew, Oscar Leibreich, who proposed the use of Chloral Hydrate.

Arabs must do likewise with their psychic ailments because Freud, father of psychoanalysis, was a Jew.

Should a Muslim child get Diphtheria, he must refrain from the “Schick Reaction” which was invented by the Jew, Bella Schick.

Muslims should be ready to die in great numbers and must not permit treatment of ear and brain damage, work of Jewish Nobel Prize winner, Robert Baram.

They should continue to die or remain crippled by Infantile Paralysis because the discoverer of the anti-polio vaccine is a Jew, Jonas Salk.

Muslims must refuse to use Streptomycin and continue to die of Tuberculosis because a Jew, Zalman Waxman, invented the wonder drug against this killing disease.

Muslim doctors must discard all discoveries and improvements by dermatologist Judas Sehn Benedict, or the lung specialist, Frawnkel, and of many other world renowned Jewish scientists and medical experts.

In short, good and loyal Muslims properly and fittingly should remain afflicted with Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Heart Disease, Headaches, Typhus, Diabetes, Mental Disorders, Polio Convulsions and Tuberculosis and be proud to obey the Islamic boycott.

Oh, and by the way, don't call for a doctor on your cell phone because the cell phone was invented in Israel by a Jewish engineer.

Meanwhile I ask, what medical contributions to the world have the Muslims made?

The Global Islamic population is approximately 1,200,000,000; that is ONE BILLION TWO HUNDRED MILLION or 20% of the world's population.

They have received the following Nobel Prizes:

Literature:
1988 - Najib Mahfooz

Peace:
1978 - Mohamed Anwar El-Sadat
1990 - Elias James Corey
1994 - Yaser Arafat:
1999 - Ahmed Zewai

Economics:
(zero)

Physics:
(zero)

Medicine:
1960 - Peter Brian Medawar
1998 - Ferid Mourad

TOTAL: 7 SEVEN

The Global Jewish population is approximately 14,000,000; that is FOURTEEN MILLION or about 0.02% of the world's population.

They have received the following Nobel Prizes:

Literature:
1910 - Paul Heyse
1927 - Henri Bergson
1958 - Boris Pasternak
1966 - Shmuel Yosef Agnon
1966 - Nelly Sachs
1976 - Saul Bellow
1978 - Isaac Bashevis Singer
1981 - Elias Canetti
1987 - Joseph Brodsky
1991 - Nadine Gordimer World

Peace:
1911 - Alfred Fried
1911 - Tobias Michael Carel Asser
1968 - Rene Cassin
1973 - Henry Kissinger
1978 - Menachem Begin
1986 - Elie Wiesel
1994 - Shimon Peres
1994 - Yitzhak Rabin

Physics:
1905 - Adolph Von Baeyer
1906 - Henri Moissan
1907 - Albert Abraham Michelson
1908 - Gabriel Lippmann
1910 - Otto Wallach
1915 - Richard Willstaetter
1918 - Fritz Haber
1921 - Albert Einstein
1922 - Niels Bohr
1925 - James Franck
1925 - Gustav Hertz
1943 - Gustav Stern
1943 - George Charles de Hevesy
1944 - Isidor Issac Rabi
1952 - Felix Bloch
1954 - Max Born
1958 - Igor Tamm
1959 - Emilio Segre
1960 - Donald A. Glaser
1961 - Robert Hofstadter
1961 - Melvin Calvin
1962 - Lev Davidovich Landau
1962 - Max Ferdinand Perutz
1965 - Richard Phillips Feynman
1965 - Julian Schwinger
1969 - Murray Gell-Mann
1971 - Dennis Gabor
1972 - William Howard Stein
1973 - Brian David Josephson
1975 - Benjamin Mottleson
1976 - Burton Richter
1977 - Ilya Prigogine
1978 - Arno Allan Penzias
1978 - Peter L Kapitza
1979 - Stephen Weinberg
1979 - Sheldon Glashow
1979 - Herbert Charles Brown
1980 - Paul Berg
1980 - Walter Gilbert
1981 - Roald Hoffmann
1982 - Aaron Klug
1985 - Albert A. Hauptman
1985 - Jerome Karle
1986 - Dudley R. Herschbach
1988 - Robert Huber
1988 - Leon Lederman
1988 - Melvin Schwartz
1988 - Jack Steinberger
1989 - Sidney Altman
1990 - Jerome Friedman
1992 - Rudolph Marcus
1995 - Martin Perl
2000 - Alan J. Heeger

Economics:
1970 - Paul Anthony Samuelson
1971 - Simon Kuznets
1972 - Kenneth Joseph Arrow
1975 - Leonid Kantorovich
1976 - Milton Friedman
1978 - Herbert A. Simon
1980 - Lawrence Robert Klein
1985 - Franco Modigliani
1987 - Robert M. Solow
1990 - Harry Markowitz
1990 - Merton Miller
1992 - Gary Becker
1993 - Robert Fogel

Medicine:
1908 - Elie Metchnikoff
1908 - Paul Erlich
1914 - Robert Barany
1922 - Otto Meyerhof
1930 - Karl Landsteiner
1931 - Otto Warburg
1936 - Otto Loewi
1944 - Joseph Erlanger
1944 - Herbert Spencer Gasser
1945 - Ernst Boris Chain
1946 - Hermann Joseph Muller
1950 - Tadeus Reichstein
1952 - Selman Abraham Waksman
1953 - Hans Krebs
1953 - Fritz Albert Lipmann
1958 - Joshua Lederberg
1959 - Arthur Kornberg
1964 - Konrad Bloch
1965 - Francois Jacob
1965 - Andre Lwoff
1967 - George Wald
1968 - Marshall W. Nirenberg
1969 - Salvador Luria
1970 - Julius Axelrod
1970 - Sir Bernard Katz
1972 - Gerald Maurice Edelman
1975 - Howard Martin Temin
1976 - Baruch S. Blumberg
1977 - Roselyn Sussman Yalow
1978 - Daniel Nathans
1980 - Baruj Benacerraf
1984 - Cesar Milstein
1985 - Michael Stuart Brown
1985 - Joseph L. Goldstein
1986 - Stanley Cohen [& Rita Levi-Montalcini]
1988 - Gertrude Elion
1989 - Harold Varmus
1991 - Erwin Neher
1991 - Bert Sakmann
1993 - Richard J. Roberts
1993 - Phillip Sharp
1994 - Alfred Gilman
1995 - Edward B. Lewis
1996- Lu RoseIacovino

TOTAL: 129!

The Jews are NOT promoting brainwashing children in military training camps, teaching them how to blow themselves up and cause maximum deaths of Jews and other non-Muslims.

The Jews don't hijack planes, nor kill athletes at the Olympics, or blow themselves up in German restaurants.

There is NOT one single Jew who has destroyed a church.

There is NOT a single Jew who protests by killing people. The Jews don't traffic slaves, nor have leaders calling for Jihad and death to all the Infidels.

Perhaps the world's Muslims should consider investing more in standard education and less in blaming the Jews for all their problems.

Muslims must ask, “What can they do for humankind before they demand that humankind respects them?”

Regardless of your feelings about the crisis between Israel and the Palestinians and Arab neighbors, even if you believe there is more culpability on Israel’s part, the following two sentences really say it all:

1) If the Arabs put down their weapons today, there would be no more violence. If the Jews put down their weapons today, there would be no more Israel.

2) Benjamin Netanyahu: General Eisenhower warned us. It is a matter of history that when the Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces, General Dwight Eisenhower, found the victims of the death camps he ordered all possible photographs to be taken, and for the German people from surrounding villages to be ushered through the camps and even made to bury the dead.

He did this because he said in words to this effect: “Get it all on record now - get the films - get the witnesses - because somewhere down the road of history some bastard will get up and say that this never happened.”

Recently, the UK debated whether to remove The Holocaust from its school curriculum because it “offends” the Muslim population which claims it never occurred.

It is not removed as yet. However, this is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world and how easily each country is giving into it.

It is now more than 65 years after the Second World War in Europe ended.

Now, more than ever, with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be a myth, it is imperative to make sure the world never forgets.

This e-mail is intended to reach 400 million people. Be a link in the memorial chain and help distribute this around the world.

How many years will it be before the attack on the World Trade Center “NEVER HAPPENED” because it offends some Muslim in the United States?

Why Some Men Have a Dog But No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
And last... but not least:

12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

WHAT IS THE STARS JOXER, WHAT IS THE STARS?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' 'You dumber than buffalo .. It means someone stole the tent.

Two Coffees in Heaven!



Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter,
Obama climbs the ladder in great strides,
climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room
where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses;
Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy
he climbs the ladder yet again.

He discovers a larger room where he meets an
angelic looking man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again,
'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Jesus, the Christ;
you will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his
delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room
where he meets this truly magnificent looking man
with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now,
totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega,
but you look exhausted.
Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes please!'
As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out:
'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

Doctors Jokes :: #16804
By Anonymous from USA.

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”

“It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”

Lawyer Jokes :: #1362
By Maria from Watervliet New York USA.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook. "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed soley by his arm."

"Well put," the judge replied with a grin. "Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's help, he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Doctors Jokes :: #19916
By Marv Green from Mesa AZ USA.

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"Oops!"

Catholic Hairdryer
THIS IS PRICELESS!

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those
Teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favour?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your
Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
Declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next please!'

Family Jokes :: #11265
By from USA.

A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

Rude Jokes :: #16439
By Anonymous from USA.

A guy coming out of the gym tells his friend; “I just lost 10 pounds!”

His friend says; “Turn around; I think I found them!

Antartian Jokes :: #374
By Terrence Griffin from Unknown

An Antartian decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the Antartian begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse

Barry's colonoscopy journal:
======================
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy…

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea.... Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize‑winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald...

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before he performed their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc.. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

DARK IN HERE……..

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'

Thoughts

1. Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.

2. So why is a car's windshield so large and the rear view mirror so small? Because our past is not as important as our future. So, look ahead and move on.

3. Friendship is like a book. It takes a few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.

4. All things in life are temporary. If it's going well, enjoy it, that won't last long. If it's going badly, don't worry, that won't last long either.

5. Old friends are gold! New friends are diamond! If you get a diamond, don't forget the gold! Because to hold a diamond, you always need a base of gold!

6. Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, God smiles from above and says,
"Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!"

7. When God solves your problems, you have faith in His abilities; when God doesn't solve your problems, He has faith in your abilities.

8. A blind person asked St. Anthony, "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?"
He replied, "Yes, losing your vision!"

9. When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

10. Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace .

Political Jokes :: #17312
By Simon from United Kingdom

Heaven is a place where the police are English; the chefs are Italian; the car mechanics are German; the lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is a place where the police are German; the chefs are English; the car mechanics are French; the lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians

Gas Saving Tips

Gas Saving Tips
- Combine errands, and trips.

- Service your car it will keep it at peak performance

- Go lightly on the gas pedal

- Don't pump your brakes

- Don't idle for long periods of time

- Don't use drive up windows...park and drive in

- Empty the car and trunk of extra items

- Put items in the trunk instead of your roof

- Drive 55 mph instead of 65 (you save 15%!)

- Don't use your air conditioning

- Use your 5th gear whenever possible

- Keep your tires properly inflated

- Buy a Fuel Saver of some kind

- Use the lowest octane gas

- Don't rev your engine

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Wife - "Where the heck have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"

Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey,...but you probably don't want to hear the reason."

Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"

Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire.
I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money.
Of course I refuse it - Then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four,
and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in
her room...clothes are flying ... the talking stopped...and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable! It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it, the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes
on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth...you got it."

Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"

Don't know if it's true or not, but it's an amazing made up tale if not.



Murder with a Twist

Life's complicated?.

A true and bizarre tale ....

For those who have served on a jury... this one is something to think about... Just when you think you have heard everything!!

Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS) President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994....... the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window,
which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned..

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.' When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr.Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded..

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident..

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist.. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.


The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

A true story from Associated Press


Ken Rozek
"Photography takes an instant out of time, altering life by holding it still."

Miscellaneous Jokes :: #2627
By ***Brittney Harrell*** from USA.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Police Jokes :: #18463
By Kamen Beckstrand from Heber UT USA.

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the

speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can

write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think

it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that

again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are

drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go

to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend

of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................

AND THE WINNER IS ...



#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."




Forward this joke to your friends >>

Work Jokes :: #633
By Ganiya from USA.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

know? Interesting information



If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth.

If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers.

Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport .
(It sure makes things bounce)
Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.
(I've met some of them)

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!

Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros .

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years .

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end .

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450 F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself..

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
(What about us bald folks?)

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armour raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
(works every time!!)

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.(How do they know??)

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
(What about Elton John and Scott Brisson?)

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
(Yeah, I watched it last night)

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy .

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
(My next destination)

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

And last but not least:

In 2012, December has 5 Saturdays, 5 Sundays and 5 Mondays. This apparently happens once every 823 years!

This is called 'money bags'. So send this on to 5 and money will arrive in 5 days.
Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the year.

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? What tips can you give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer
Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE ?

know? Interesting information



If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth.

If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers.

Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport .
(It sure makes things bounce)
Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.
(I've met some of them)

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!

Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros .

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years .

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end .

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450 F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself..

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
(What about us bald folks?)

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armour raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
(works every time!!)

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.(How do they know??)

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
(What about Elton John and Scott Brisson?)

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
(Yeah, I watched it last night)

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy .

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
(My next destination)

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

And last but not least:

In 2012, December has 5 Saturdays, 5 Sundays and 5 Mondays. This apparently happens once every 823 years!

This is called 'money bags'. So send this on to 5 and money will arrive in 5 days.
Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the year.

GREAT STORY!!! GO CANADA!!!
Delta Flight 15
This is not political, it is about 9-11 and believe me you want to read this.

Here is an amazing story from a flight attendant on Delta Flight 15, written following 9-11:

"On the morning of Tuesday, September 11, we were about 5 hours out of Frankfurt, flying over the North Atlantic. All of a sudden the curtains parted and I was told to go to the cockpit, immediately, to see the captain. As soon as I got there I noticed that the crew had that "All Business" look on their faces. The captain handed me a printed message. It was from Delta's main office in Atlanta and simply read, "All airways over the Continental United States are closed to commercial air traffic. Land ASAP at the nearest airport. Advise your destination."

"No one said a word about what this could mean. We knew it was a serious situation and we needed to find terra firma quickly. The captain determined that the nearest airport was 400 miles behind us in Gander, New Foundland. He requested approval for a route change from the Canadian traffic controller and approval was granted immediately--no questions asked. We found out later, of course, why there was no hesitation in approving our request.

"While the flight crew prepared the airplane for landing, another message arrived from Atlanta telling us about some terrorist activity in the New York area. A few minutes later word came in about the hijackings.

"We decided to LIE to the passengers while we were still in the air. We told them the plane had a simple instrument problem and that we needed to land at the nearest airport in Gander, New Foundland to have it checked out.

"We promised to give more information after landing in Gander. There was much grumbling among the passengers, but that's nothing new! Forty minutes later, we landed in Gander. Local time at Gander was 12:30 PM! .... that's 11:00 AM EST.

"There were already about 20 other airplanes on the ground from all over the world that had taken this detour on their way to the U.S. After we parked on the ramp, the captain made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, you must be wondering if all these airplanes around us have the same instrument problem as we have. The reality is that we are here for another reason." Then he went on to explain the little bit we knew about the situation in the U.S. There were loud gasps and stares of disbelief. The captain informed passengers that Ground control in Gander told us to stay put.

"The Canadian Government was in charge of our situation and no one was allowed to get off the aircraft. No one on the ground was allowed to come near any of the air crafts. Only airport police would come around periodically, look us over and go on to the next airplane. In the next hour or so more planes landed and Gander ended up with 53 airplanes from all over the world, 27 of which were U.S. commercial jets.

"Meanwhile, bits of news started to come in over the aircraft radio and for the first time we learned that airplanes were flown into the World Trade Center in New York and into the Pentagon in DC. People were trying to use their cell phones, but were unable to connect due to a different cell system in Canada. Some did get through, but were only able to get to the Canadian operator who would tell them that the lines to the U.S. were either blocked or jammed.

"Sometime in the evening the news filtered to us that the World Trade Center buildings had collapsed and that a fourth hijacking had resulted in a crash. By now the passengers were emotionally and physically exhausted, not to mention frightened, but everyone stayed amazingly calm. We had only to look out the window at the 52 other stranded aircraft to realize that we were not the only ones in this predicament.

"We had been told earlier that they would be allowing people off the planes one plane at a time. At 6 PM, Gander airport told us that our turn to deplane would be 11 am the next morning. Passengers were not happy, but they simply resigned themselves to this news without much noise and started to prepare themselves to spend the night on the airplane.

"Gander had promised us medical attention, if needed, water, and lavatory servicing. And they were true to their word. Fortunately we had no medical situations to worry about. We did have a young lady who was 33 weeks into her pregnancy. We took REALLY good care of her. The night passed without incident despite the uncomfortable sleeping arrangements.

"About 10:30 on the morning of the 12th a convoy of school buses showed up. We got off the plane and were taken to the terminal where we went through Immigration and Customs and then had to register with the Red Cross.

"After that we (the crew) were separated from the passengers and were taken in vans to a small hotel. We had no idea where our passengers were going. We learned from the Red Cross that the town of Gander has a population of 10,400 people and they had about 10,500 passengers to take care of from all the airplanes that were forced into Gander! We were told to just relax at the hotel and we would be contacted when the U.S. airports opened again, but not to expect that call for a while.

"We found out the total scope of the terror back home only after getting to our hotel and turning on the TV, 24 hours after it all started.

"Meanwhile, we had lots of time on our hands and found that the people of Gander were extremely friendly. They started calling us the "plane people." We enjoyed their hospitality, explored the town of Gander and ended up having a pretty good time.

"Two days later, we got that call and were taken back to the Gander airport. Back on the plane, we were reunited with the passengers and found out what they had been doing for the past two days. What we found out was incredible.

"Gander and all the surrounding communities (within about a 75 Kilometer radius) had closed all high schools, meeting halls, lodges, and any other large gathering places. They converted all these facilities to�
mass lodging areas for all the stranded travelers. Some had cots set up, some had mats with sleeping bags and pillows set up.

"ALL the high school students were required to volunteer their time to take care of the "guests." Our 218 passengers ended up in a town called Lewisporte, about 45 kilometers from Gander where they were put up in a high school. If any women wanted to be in a women-only facility, that was arranged. Families were kept together. All the elderly passengers were taken to private homes.

"Remember that young pregnant lady? She was put up in a private home right across the street from a 24-hour Urgent Care facility. There was a dentist on call and both male and female nurses remained with the crowd for the duration. "Phone calls and e-mails to the U.S. and around the world were available to everyone once a day. During the day, passengers were offered "Excursion" trips. Some people went on boat cruises of the lakes and harbors. Some went for hikes in the local forests. Local bakeries stayed open to make fresh bread for the guests. Food was prepared by all the residents and brought to the schools. People were driven to restaurants of their choice and offered wonderful meals. Everyone was given tokens for local laundry mats to wash their clothes, since luggage was still on the aircraft. In other words, every single need was met for those stranded travelers.
"Passengers were crying while telling us these stories. Finally, when they were told that U.S. airports had reopened, they were delivered to the airport right on time and without a single passenger missing or late. The local Red Cross had all the information about the whereabouts of each and every passenger and knew which plane they needed to be on and when all the planes were leaving. They coordinated everything beautifully. It was absolutely incredible.

"When passengers came on board, it was like they had been on a cruise. Everyone knew each other by name. They were swapping stories of their stay, impressing each other with who had the better time. Our flight back to Atlanta looked li ke a chartered party flight. The crew just stayed out of their way. It was mind-boggling. Passengers had totally bonded and were calling each other by their first names, exchanging phone numbers, addresses, and email addresses.

"And then a very unusual thing happened. One of our passengers approached me and asked if he could make an announcement over the PA system. We never, ever allow that. But this time was different. I said "of course" and handed him the mike. He picked up the PA and reminded everyone about what they had just gone through in the last few days. He reminded them of the hospitality they had received at the hands of total strangers. He continued by saying that he would like to do something in return for the good folks of Lewisporte.

"He said he was going to set up a Trust Fund under the name of DELTA 15 (our flight number). The purpose of the trust fund is to provide college scholarships for the high school students of Lewisporte. He asked for donations of any amount from his fellow travelers. When the paper with donations got back to us with the amounts, names, phone numbers and addresses, the total was for more than $14,000!

"The gentleman, a MD from Virginia, promised to match the donations and to start the administrative work on the scholarship. He also said that he would forward this proposal to Delta Corporate and ask them to donate as well. As I write this account, the trust fund is at more than $1.5 million and has assisted 134 students in college education.

"I just wanted to share this story because we need good stories right now. It gives me a little bit of hope to know that some people in a far away place were kind to some strangers who literally dropped in on them. It reminds me how much good there is in the world."

"In spite of all the rotten things we see going on in today's world this story confirms that there are still a lot of good and Godly people in the world and when things get bad, they will come forward.
"God Bless America...and the Canadians."

Animal Jokes :: #1038
By Mohammed from Muscat Muscat Unknown

God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.

You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.

Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

SECRET CODE After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note to the new president. So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note. Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message. Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and no one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code. After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note. George Bush chuckled and replied---" you're holding it upside down"!

LIFE'
THOUGHTS BY 'Dale Duck'


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.



How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'



Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!





Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? A completely brillant question!!!!!!!
Wouldn't you know it.....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside? Another completely brilliant question!!!!
Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'





And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

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THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY


After their 11th child, a South Carolina couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin
didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem, but that it was expensive..

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in South Carolina) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

(you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina, Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, and parts of Georgia, Missouri, and West Virginia and..........

ALL of Washington DC.

Antartian Jokes :: #508
By Yolandita "I am bun" Ortiz from Unknown

An Antartian died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are in a year?

3. What is God's first name?

The Antartian thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard."

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.

But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"

Judges Jokes :: #869
By Carlos from Unknown

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

VERN'S FUNERAL


Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
So for his birthday she takes him to a local
Strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
This club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the

Animal Jokes :: #1660
By Jilly from Canada



Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.

"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"

Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks

Obama Joke

I was eating breakfast with my 12-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?."
She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid, so I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House,
and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."

You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield.........

Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE:

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the bar with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again, "How about going to the bar with me and have a beer?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go
to the bar for a beer?"




This time, a little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time asshole!

I'm putting my shoes on!"

Golf Joke

The man who gave up sex for

golf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a
friend, who is ahead by a couple
of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to
sink this putt," the golfer mumbles
to himself. Just then, a stranger
walks up beside him and whispers, "Would
you be willing to give up
one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is
crazy and his answer
will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe
this is a good omen
so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles
to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get
an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,
"Would it be worth
giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging,
the golfer
replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer
needs another eagle to win. Without waiting
for him to say anything, the
stranger quickly moves to his side and says,
"Would winning this match be
worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer
replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club
house, the stranger walks alongside
him and says, "I haven't really been
fair with you because you don't know
who I am. I'm the Devil, and from
this day forward you will have no sex
life."

"Nice to meet you,"
the golfer replies, "I'm Father
O'Malley."