An Alabama pastor said
to his congregation, “Someone
in this congregation has spread a rumor that
I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which
a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed
and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party
who said this to stand and ask forgiveness
from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher
continued, "Do you have the nerve to face
me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now
stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was
quiet.
Then, slowly, a
drop-dead gorgeous beauty with a body that
would stop a runaway train rose
from the third pew. Her head
was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
"Reverend there has been
a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a
member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple
of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to
his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Life is Short, Smile
While You still have Teeth.
Give me an Amen,
Brother!!!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
Brutus
How to hug a baby
If you are a Dog, and in the Army.....
I Thought you might like to know about this dog and his history. I especially like the ending ..........
The
K9 above is Brutus, a military K9 at McChordAFB.. . He's huge - part Boxer
and part British Bull Mastiff and tops the
scales at 200 lbs. His handler took the picture.
Brutus is running toward me because he knows I
have some Milk Bone treats, so he's slobbering away! I had to duck around a tree just before he got to me in case he couldn't stop, but he did.
Brutus was the recipient of the Congressional Medal of Honor last year from his tour in Iraq . His handler and
four other soldiers were taken hostage by
insurgents. Brutus and his handler communicate by sign language and he gave Brutus the signal
that meant 'go away but come back and find me'.
The Iraqis paid no attention to Brutus. He came back later and quietly tore the throat out of
one guard at one door and another guard at
another door. He then jumped against one of the
doors repeatedly (the guys were being held in an
old warehouse) until it opened. He went in and
untied his handler and they all escaped. He's
the first K9 to receive this honor. If he knows
you're ok, he's a big old lug and wants to sit
in your lap. Enjoys the company of cats....
K-9 Congressional Medal
of Honor Winner
Thought
you'd find this interesting.
Talk
about animal intelligence and bonding
with humans!
Remember that they can't do a lot of things for themselves and that they depend on you to make their life a quality life!
Instructions for properly hugging a baby with Brutus
1. First, uh, find a baby.
2. Second, be sure that the object you found
was indeed a baby, by employing classic sniffing
techniques.
+
3. Next, you will need to flatten the baby before
actually beginning the hugging process.
4. The 'paw slide'= Simply slide paws around baby
and prepare for possible close-up.
5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute
the difficult and patented 'hug, smile, and lean' so
as to achieve the best photo quality.
It will be a shame if you
don't pass this along!
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's New Jersey, the most glorious place on earth. There I put beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and shore line. The people from New Jersey are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things." -
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "Not very far from New Jersey is Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's New Jersey, the most glorious place on earth. There I put beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and shore line. The people from New Jersey are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things." -
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "Not very far from New Jersey is Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Ralph's Surgery
Ralph's Surgery
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Top Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra
Viagra. The quicker dicker upper
One-a-day, like iron
Get a piece of the rock
You've come a long way, baby
Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em
Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
Tastes great, more filling
Viagra, built ram tough
2. Here's the beef!
And, the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
Just do her.
Honorable Mentions:
We work harder, so you don't have to
Ten inches long ... and growing.
Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
Viagra, home of the whopper
Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver
This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?
Fishing Joke
A woman goes into Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-mart associate standing there with dark glasses on. She asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway.
He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She asks, "But didn't you say it was $20?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
A man is out in his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the man's oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!
After about two hours, he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it! The first man yells, "Hey buddy, can I borrow one of your oars?"
The other man yells back, "They're not whores ... they're my sisters!"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway.
He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She asks, "But didn't you say it was $20?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
A man is out in his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the man's oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!
After about two hours, he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it! The first man yells, "Hey buddy, can I borrow one of your oars?"
The other man yells back, "They're not whores ... they're my sisters!"
Sex Jokes
Welcome to Jokes About Sex ffor Manly Men
One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, Dear," she said. "What's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you," he said simply.
"Not tonight, Dear. I have a headache," answered his wife.
The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. "I'm awfully tired, Honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.
"How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
The husband replied, "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."
Things Men Shouldn't Say in a Victoria's Secret Store
1. No Thanks. ... Just Sniffing.
2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
5. Will you model this for me???
6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.
7. $50?? Are you kidding? She's just gonna end up NAKED anyway!
Hunting Joke
A big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him, and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel. And if he could locate the bullet hole. he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Spring Buck." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe it. He was right, and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole said, "and the rifle was a .308," which of course was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove is skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" His wife replied angrily, "From me, of course."
"But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'"
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Spring Buck." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe it. He was right, and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole said, "and the rifle was a .308," which of course was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove is skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" His wife replied angrily, "From me, of course."
"But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'"
Bar Joke
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that after shave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. "My grandfather lived to be 96."
"Ninety-six? What finally got him???"
"Liquor and women."
"Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both will get you in the end."
"Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that after shave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. "My grandfather lived to be 96."
"Ninety-six? What finally got him???"
"Liquor and women."
"Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both will get you in the end."
"Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."
If Men Ruled the World...
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
"Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops.(Or to the crooks.)
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle."
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Should Christians Support President Obama?
This man was on Dr. Charles Stanley's program "In Touch" as a guest speaker.
I almost shouted "HALLELUJAH" when I finished reading. Forward or discard....it's your choice...but PLEASE read before you do!
Dr. David Barton is more of a historian than a Biblical speaker, but very famous for his knowledge of historical facts as well as Biblical truths.
Dr. David Barton - on Obama
Respect the Office? Yes.
Respect the Man in the Office? No, I am sorry to say.
I have noted that many elected officials, both Democrats and Republicans, called upon America to unite behind Obama.
Well, I want to make it clear to all who will listen that I AM NOT uniting behind Obama!
I will respect the Office which he holds, and I will acknowledge his abilities as an orator and wordsmith and pray for him, BUT that is it.
I have begun today to see what I can do to make sure that he is a one-term President!
Why am I doing this?
It is because:
- I do not share Obama's vision or value system for America;
- I do not share his Abortion beliefs;
- I do not share his radical Marxist's concept of re-distributing wealth;
- I do not share his stated views on raising taxes on those who make$150,000+ (the ceiling has been changed three times since August);
- I do not share his view that America is Arrogant;
- I do not share his view that America is not a Christian Nation;
- I do not share his view that the military should be reduced by 25%;
- I do not share his view of amnesty and giving more to illegals than our American Citizens who need help;
- I do not share his views on homosexuality and his definition of marriage;
- I do not share his views that Radical Islam is our friend and Israel is our enemy who should give up any land;
- I do not share his spiritual beliefs (at least the ones he has made public);
- I do not share his beliefs on how to re-work the healthcare system in America;
- I do not share his Strategic views of the Middle East; and
- I certainly do not share his plan to sit down with terrorist regimes such as Iran.
Bottom line: my America is vastly different from Obama's, and I have a higher obligation to my Country and my GOD to do what is Right!
For eight (8) years, the Liberals in our Society, led by numerous entertainers who would have no platform and no real credibility but for their celebrity status, have attacked President Bush, his family, and his spiritual beliefs!
They have not moved toward the center in their beliefs and their philosophies, and they never came together nor compromised their personal beliefs for the betterment of our Country!
They have portrayed my America as a land where everything is tolerated except being intolerant!
They have been a vocal and irreverent minority for years!
They have mocked and attacked the very core values so important to the founding and growth of our Country!
They have made every effort to remove the name of GOD or Jesus Christ from our Society!
They have challenged capital punishment, the right to bear firearms, and the most basic principles of our criminal code!
They have attacked one of the most fundamental of all Freedoms, the right of free speech!
Unite behind Obama? Never!
I am sure many of you who read this think that I am going overboard, but I refuse to retreat one more inch in favor of those whom I believe are the embodiment of Evil!
PRESIDENT BUSH made many mistakes during his Presidency, and I am not sure how history will judge him. However, I believe that he weighed his decisions in light of the long established Judeo-Christian principles of our Founding Fathers!!!
Majority rules in America, and I will honor the concept; however, I will fight with all of my power to be a voice in opposition to Obama and his "goals for America ..."
I am going to be a thorn in the side of those who, if left unchecked, will destroy our Country! Any more compromise is more defeat!
I pray that the results of this election will wake up many who have sat on the sidelines and allowed the Socialist-Marxist anti-GOD crowd to slowly change so much of what has been good in America!
GOD bless you and GOD bless our Country!
(Please, please, please, pass this on if you agree. If you don't agree, just delete it.)
Thanks for your time, may you and yours be safe.
"In GOD We Trust"
This man was on Dr. Charles Stanley's program "In Touch" as a guest speaker.
I almost shouted "HALLELUJAH" when I finished reading. Forward or discard....it's your choice...but PLEASE read before you do!
Dr. David Barton is more of a historian than a Biblical speaker, but very famous for his knowledge of historical facts as well as Biblical truths.
Dr. David Barton - on Obama
Respect the Office? Yes.
Respect the Man in the Office? No, I am sorry to say.
I have noted that many elected officials, both Democrats and Republicans, called upon America to unite behind Obama.
Well, I want to make it clear to all who will listen that I AM NOT uniting behind Obama!
I will respect the Office which he holds, and I will acknowledge his abilities as an orator and wordsmith and pray for him, BUT that is it.
I have begun today to see what I can do to make sure that he is a one-term President!
Why am I doing this?
It is because:
- I do not share Obama's vision or value system for America;
- I do not share his Abortion beliefs;
- I do not share his radical Marxist's concept of re-distributing wealth;
- I do not share his stated views on raising taxes on those who make$150,000+ (the ceiling has been changed three times since August);
- I do not share his view that America is Arrogant;
- I do not share his view that America is not a Christian Nation;
- I do not share his view that the military should be reduced by 25%;
- I do not share his view of amnesty and giving more to illegals than our American Citizens who need help;
- I do not share his views on homosexuality and his definition of marriage;
- I do not share his views that Radical Islam is our friend and Israel is our enemy who should give up any land;
- I do not share his spiritual beliefs (at least the ones he has made public);
- I do not share his beliefs on how to re-work the healthcare system in America;
- I do not share his Strategic views of the Middle East; and
- I certainly do not share his plan to sit down with terrorist regimes such as Iran.
Bottom line: my America is vastly different from Obama's, and I have a higher obligation to my Country and my GOD to do what is Right!
For eight (8) years, the Liberals in our Society, led by numerous entertainers who would have no platform and no real credibility but for their celebrity status, have attacked President Bush, his family, and his spiritual beliefs!
They have not moved toward the center in their beliefs and their philosophies, and they never came together nor compromised their personal beliefs for the betterment of our Country!
They have portrayed my America as a land where everything is tolerated except being intolerant!
They have been a vocal and irreverent minority for years!
They have mocked and attacked the very core values so important to the founding and growth of our Country!
They have made every effort to remove the name of GOD or Jesus Christ from our Society!
They have challenged capital punishment, the right to bear firearms, and the most basic principles of our criminal code!
They have attacked one of the most fundamental of all Freedoms, the right of free speech!
Unite behind Obama? Never!
I am sure many of you who read this think that I am going overboard, but I refuse to retreat one more inch in favor of those whom I believe are the embodiment of Evil!
PRESIDENT BUSH made many mistakes during his Presidency, and I am not sure how history will judge him. However, I believe that he weighed his decisions in light of the long established Judeo-Christian principles of our Founding Fathers!!!
Majority rules in America, and I will honor the concept; however, I will fight with all of my power to be a voice in opposition to Obama and his "goals for America ..."
I am going to be a thorn in the side of those who, if left unchecked, will destroy our Country! Any more compromise is more defeat!
I pray that the results of this election will wake up many who have sat on the sidelines and allowed the Socialist-Marxist anti-GOD crowd to slowly change so much of what has been good in America!
GOD bless you and GOD bless our Country!
(Please, please, please, pass this on if you agree. If you don't agree, just delete it.)
Thanks for your time, may you and yours be safe.
"In GOD We Trust"
Clean Comedy
You may remember ( if you are old enough) the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy
***********************
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says " Okay, let's get started."
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
***********************
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
5 Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdales.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good, " said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
***********************
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says " Okay, let's get started."
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
***********************
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
5 Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdales.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good, " said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Afternoon Delight
Afternoon Delight
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How
do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How
do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Use a (clean) dustpan to fill a container that doesn’t fit in the sink
Place a rubber band around an open paint can to wipe your brush on,
and keep paint off the side of the can
Use a staple remover to save your fingernails when trying
to add things to your key ring!
Put a wooden spoon across pot to prevent it from boiling over
Place a rubber band around an open paint can to wipe your brush on,
and keep paint off the side of the can
Use a staple remover to save your fingernails when trying
to add things to your key ring!
Put a wooden spoon across pot to prevent it from boiling over
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Seniors
My trip to the store
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
Seniors
My trip to the store
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
Teachers and Cops
:
Who knows if these are true, but they are funny!
Teachers & Cops:
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All
teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the Country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O. K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and
step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here.
Air Force Graduation
Air Force Academy Graduation…NOBAMA
…………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Hi All,
I just wanted to pass on a little info in case some of you were not aware of this. Yesterday was the Air force Academy graduation ceremony. My friend from Texas had just arrived and we drove down the road to watch the Thunderbirds air show after the ceremony was finished. Most of you know Pres. Obama spoke at the ceremony and handed out the diploma's. When this finished it was time for the Thunderbirds to fly. There was one maneuver then they disappeared. A man standing by me called a friend at Peterson Field and found out that the air show was halted because Obama wanted to leave. A helicopter soon appeared and flew around in a circular pattern above where we were - basically doing reconnaissance as Obama's motor-cade was exiting the Air Force Academy. He was going to Denver to do some more campaigning since Colorado is a swing state. After he left the Thunderbirds came back and continued the show for the graduates. Think about this. Obama comes to a graduation, speaks etc. then decides to leave before the Thunderbirds can complete their air show. They had to fly around, & waste fuel. Thousands of people - the graduating cadets, parents, friends, observers in the vicinity parked in lots waiting to see them fly, inconvenienced, so Obama - his "highness' could leave to go campaign in Denver! How disrespectful of EVERYONE in attendance. It would have taken only about 20-30 minutes more time to stay until the fly-over was finished thereby honoring the graduates, Thunderbirds and the military in general. However, this narcissistic disgrace of a 'Commander -in-Chief" had to inconvenience everyone and leave interrupting the ceremony fly-over because everything is about him. I was disgusted by this and so was everyone else standing around near us. I hope this info gets passed on so others can learn how disrespectful this Pres. is toward the military. Not too many who witnessed this will be voting for him.
Here's link to the Colorado Springs newspaper that confirms Obama's early departure…
http://www.gazette.com/articles/air-139088-thunderbirds-presidential.html
…………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Hi All,
I just wanted to pass on a little info in case some of you were not aware of this. Yesterday was the Air force Academy graduation ceremony. My friend from Texas had just arrived and we drove down the road to watch the Thunderbirds air show after the ceremony was finished. Most of you know Pres. Obama spoke at the ceremony and handed out the diploma's. When this finished it was time for the Thunderbirds to fly. There was one maneuver then they disappeared. A man standing by me called a friend at Peterson Field and found out that the air show was halted because Obama wanted to leave. A helicopter soon appeared and flew around in a circular pattern above where we were - basically doing reconnaissance as Obama's motor-cade was exiting the Air Force Academy. He was going to Denver to do some more campaigning since Colorado is a swing state. After he left the Thunderbirds came back and continued the show for the graduates. Think about this. Obama comes to a graduation, speaks etc. then decides to leave before the Thunderbirds can complete their air show. They had to fly around, & waste fuel. Thousands of people - the graduating cadets, parents, friends, observers in the vicinity parked in lots waiting to see them fly, inconvenienced, so Obama - his "highness' could leave to go campaign in Denver! How disrespectful of EVERYONE in attendance. It would have taken only about 20-30 minutes more time to stay until the fly-over was finished thereby honoring the graduates, Thunderbirds and the military in general. However, this narcissistic disgrace of a 'Commander -in-Chief" had to inconvenience everyone and leave interrupting the ceremony fly-over because everything is about him. I was disgusted by this and so was everyone else standing around near us. I hope this info gets passed on so others can learn how disrespectful this Pres. is toward the military. Not too many who witnessed this will be voting for him.
Here's link to the Colorado Springs newspaper that confirms Obama's early departure…
http://www.gazette.com/articles/air-139088-thunderbirds-presidential.html
Irish Pick Up Line
Irish Pick-up Line
An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes. A woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, ’Is your date running late?' 'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, ’A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, ’It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies, ’Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, ’Feckin thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?
An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes. A woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, ’Is your date running late?' 'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, ’A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, ’It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies, ’Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, ’Feckin thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?
Computer
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class
that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are
designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the
class into two groups, male and female, and asked
them to decide for themselves whether computer'
should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the feminine gender
('la computadora' ), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their
internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate
with other computers is incomprehensible to
everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one,
you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador') , because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize
that if you had waited a little longer,
you could have gotten a better model..
The women won.
Send this to all the smart women you know...
and all the men that have a sense of humor .
that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are
designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the
class into two groups, male and female, and asked
them to decide for themselves whether computer'
should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the feminine gender
('la computadora' ), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their
internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate
with other computers is incomprehensible to
everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one,
you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador') , because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize
that if you had waited a little longer,
you could have gotten a better model..
The women won.
Send this to all the smart women you know...
and all the men that have a sense of humor .
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
High School Exit Exam
New High School Exit Exam. You only need 4 correct to pass. Take the test. You have less than a minute.
(Remember, passing requires at least 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.
.
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)
(Remember, passing requires at least 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.
.
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one,
began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher asked Janie:
Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What
did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one,
began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher asked Janie:
Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What
did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Funeral
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to
say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great
family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great
family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
Monday, June 18, 2012
Bette Midler
I haven't left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly. All the news stories are about the election;
All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election, erection, election, erection - - either way it's about getting screwed!" . . . . . Bette Midler
All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election, erection, election, erection - - either way it's about getting screwed!" . . . . . Bette Midler
Are you smarter than a 60 year old?
THIS WAS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.
THE ANSWERS WERE ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE.
I REMEMBERED, BUT ...
DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT
A TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS
I was picky who I sent this to.
it had to be those who might actually remember.
So have some fun my sharp-witted friends.
This is a test for us 'older kids'!
The answers are printed below,
(after the questions)
but don't cheat! Answer them first.
01.
After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset,
the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man?
Invariably, someone would answer,
I don't know, but he left this behind.
What did he leave behind? ____ ______ ______.
02.
When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964,
we all watched them on The ___ _________ Show.
03.
'Get your kicks, ____ ________ ____.'
04.
'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to
________ ____ _______.'
05.
'In the jungle, the mighty jungle,
___ _____ _____ __________.'
06.
After the Twist , the Mashed Potato , and the Watusi ,
we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go
in a dance called the '_____________.'
07.
Nestle's makes the very best _____________.'
08.
Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.'
Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.
His name was ____ _____________.
09.
What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ________ _______.
10.
Red Skeleton's hobo character was named _______ ___ ________
and Red always ended his television show by saying,
'Good Night, and '_____ ________.'
11.
Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War
did so by burning their ______ ________.
12.
The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front
was called the VW. What other names did it go by?
___ _______ & ___ __________.
13.
In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about,
'the day the music died.'
This was a tribute to ________ ___________.
14.
We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit.
The Russians did it.
It was called ___________________.
15.
One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's
was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist.
It was called the _______ - _______.
ANSWERS :
01.
The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet .
02.
The Ed Sullivan Show .
03.
ON Route 66
04.
To protect the innocent .
05.
the Lion Sleeps Tonight .
06.
The limbo
07.
Chocolate
08.
Louis Armstrong
09.
The Timex watch
10.
Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
11.
Draft cards
( Bras were also burned . Not flags, as some have guessed)
12.
Beetle or Bug
13.
Buddy Holly
14.
Sputnik
15.
Hoola-hoop
Send this to your 'older' friends,
(Better known as Seniors.)
It will drive them crazy!
And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes
--
THIS WAS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.
THE ANSWERS WERE ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE.
I REMEMBERED, BUT ...
DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT
A TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS
I was picky who I sent this to.
it had to be those who might actually remember.
So have some fun my sharp-witted friends.
This is a test for us 'older kids'!
The answers are printed below,
(after the questions)
but don't cheat! Answer them first.
01.
After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset,
the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man?
Invariably, someone would answer,
I don't know, but he left this behind.
What did he leave behind? ____ ______ ______.
02.
When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964,
we all watched them on The ___ _________ Show.
03.
'Get your kicks, ____ ________ ____.'
04.
'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to
________ ____ _______.'
05.
'In the jungle, the mighty jungle,
___ _____ _____ __________.'
06.
After the Twist , the Mashed Potato , and the Watusi ,
we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go
in a dance called the '_____________.'
07.
Nestle's makes the very best _____________.'
08.
Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.'
Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.
His name was ____ _____________.
09.
What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ________ _______.
10.
Red Skeleton's hobo character was named _______ ___ ________
and Red always ended his television show by saying,
'Good Night, and '_____ ________.'
11.
Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War
did so by burning their ______ ________.
12.
The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front
was called the VW. What other names did it go by?
___ _______ & ___ __________.
13.
In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about,
'the day the music died.'
This was a tribute to ________ ___________.
14.
We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit.
The Russians did it.
It was called ___________________.
15.
One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's
was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist.
It was called the _______ - _______.
ANSWERS :
01.
The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet .
02.
The Ed Sullivan Show .
03.
ON Route 66
04.
To protect the innocent .
05.
the Lion Sleeps Tonight .
06.
The limbo
07.
Chocolate
08.
Louis Armstrong
09.
The Timex watch
10.
Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
11.
Draft cards
( Bras were also burned . Not flags, as some have guessed)
12.
Beetle or Bug
13.
Buddy Holly
14.
Sputnik
15.
Hoola-hoop
Send this to your 'older' friends,
(Better known as Seniors.)
It will drive them crazy!
And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes
--
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Old Blonde Joke
A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a
small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde
woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've
heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in the community and from reaching
our full potential as a person because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only
blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of
humor"
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to
apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this,
mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee
small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde
woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've
heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in the community and from reaching
our full potential as a person because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only
blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of
humor"
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to
apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this,
mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee
Undies
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.
Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".
Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!
Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".
Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!
Friday, June 15, 2012
Old age
I was in Starbuck`s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod
…and how was your day?
That's what happens when old people start using technology !
Old age
Russ and Sam, two old friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever
got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was
unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but
one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever
got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was
unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but
one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Roses and Hanging Baskets
ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her! 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on..
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie... If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her! 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on..
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie... If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE
This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I
do Not need your help. So, have a nice day.
I love you.
P.S. And, remember...
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,
do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD
(something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All
situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by
worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are
present in your life now.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people
in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of
work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person
who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in
dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her
children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;
think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that
walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer
patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all
about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who
didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness,
ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse.
You could be one of them!
Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you. You may have
touched their life in ways you will never know!
Now, you have a nice day.
God
God has seen you struggling,
God says it's over.
A blessing is coming your way.
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE
This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I
do Not need your help. So, have a nice day.
I love you.
P.S. And, remember...
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,
do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD
(something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All
situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by
worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are
present in your life now.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people
in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of
work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person
who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in
dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her
children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;
think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that
walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer
patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all
about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who
didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness,
ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse.
You could be one of them!
Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you. You may have
touched their life in ways you will never know!
Now, you have a nice day.
God
God has seen you struggling,
God says it's over.
A blessing is coming your way.
Use a (clean) dustpan to fill a container that doesn’t fit in the sink
Place a rubber band around an open paint can to wipe your brush on, and keep paint off the side of the can
Use a staple remover to save your fingernails when trying to add things to your key ring!
Put wooden spoon across boiling pot of water to keep from boiling over.
Use bread clips to save flip-flops with split holes.
How to put shoes in the dryer
Use sunglasses or a small convex mirror to avoid people sneaking up on you while wearing headphones at work
How to keep the straw from rising out of your soda can
Place a rubber band around an open paint can to wipe your brush on, and keep paint off the side of the can
Use a staple remover to save your fingernails when trying to add things to your key ring!
Put wooden spoon across boiling pot of water to keep from boiling over.
Use bread clips to save flip-flops with split holes.
How to put shoes in the dryer
Use sunglasses or a small convex mirror to avoid people sneaking up on you while wearing headphones at work
How to keep the straw from rising out of your soda can
Sunday, June 10, 2012
The Green Thing
HOW TRUE!!!! Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days." The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations." She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day. Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then. We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day. Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day. Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then. We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then. Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then? Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person... We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Wasp spray
I know some of you own GUNS but this is something to think about...---
If you don't have a gun, here's a more humane way to wreck someone's evil plans for you. Did you know this? I didn't. I never really thought of it before. I guess I can get rid of the baseball bat.
Wasp Spray- A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection.. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead.
The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. Thought this was interesting and might be of use.
Please share this with all the people who are precious to your life.
Did you also know that wasp spray will kill a snake? And a mouse! It will! Good to know, huh? It will also kill a wasp.!!!!
If you don't have a gun, here's a more humane way to wreck someone's evil plans for you. Did you know this? I didn't. I never really thought of it before. I guess I can get rid of the baseball bat.
Wasp Spray- A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection.. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead.
The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. Thought this was interesting and might be of use.
Please share this with all the people who are precious to your life.
Did you also know that wasp spray will kill a snake? And a mouse! It will! Good to know, huh? It will also kill a wasp.!!!!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
I'll be waiting on the Front Porch
On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
And God said that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God again said that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
And God said that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God again said that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
IRS Audit
IRS AUDIT
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you”d be happy about it!”
I KEEP TELLING YOU! DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you”d be happy about it!”
I KEEP TELLING YOU! DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!
Friday, June 1, 2012
Piss Poor
THIS IS GREAT HISTORY!
Where did piss poor come from ?
We older people need to learn something new every day...Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.
Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
Interesting History.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.
And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery... if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...
They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature
Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500's
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small
animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real
problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice
clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how "canopy beds" came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: "a thresh hold".
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme: � Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old � .
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a
sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a
little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".
Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status.
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "the upper crust".
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family
would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom; of "holding a wake".
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch
marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night "the graveyard shift"
to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, "saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer.
And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone! ~~~
Share these facts with a friend.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'
We'll be friends until we are old and senile.
Then we'll be new friends.
Smile, it gives your face something to do!
Soon we'll all be Piss Poor
Where did piss poor come from ?
We older people need to learn something new every day...Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.
Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
Interesting History.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.
And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery... if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...
They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature
Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500's
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small
animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real
problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice
clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how "canopy beds" came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: "a thresh hold".
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme: � Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old � .
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a
sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a
little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".
Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status.
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "the upper crust".
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family
would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom; of "holding a wake".
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch
marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night "the graveyard shift"
to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, "saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer.
And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone! ~~~
Share these facts with a friend.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'
We'll be friends until we are old and senile.
Then we'll be new friends.
Smile, it gives your face something to do!
Soon we'll all be Piss Poor
$7.00 Sex
A sweet old couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
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