Family Jokes :: #16984
By clyde messenger from baton rouge la USA.

"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.



Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.

But today, they have their eyes open."

THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH


A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up,takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................
. . . . . . .
. . . .
. . .
.

Go Home Grandpa.......... Go home!

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

Animal Jokes :: #626
By Neil from Des Moines IA Unknown

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves

THE WORLD IS MINE - Author Unknown
Today, upon a bus, I saw a very beautiful woman and wished I were as beautiful. When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle. She had one leg and used a crutch. But as she passed, she passed a smile. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two legs; the world is mine.
I stopped to buy some candy. The lad who sold it had such charm. I talked with him, he seemed so glad. If I were late, it'd do no harm. And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you've been so kind. It's nice to talk with folks like you. You see," he said, "I'm blind." Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two eyes; the world is mine.
Later while walking down the street, I saw a child I knew. He stood and watched the others play, but he did not know what to do. I stopped a moment and then I said, "Why don't you join them dear?" He looked ahead without a word. I forgot, he couldn't hear. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two ears; the world is mine.
With feet to take me where I'd go... With eyes to see the sunset's glow. With ears to hear what I'd know. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.
If this poem makes you feel thankful, just forward it to your friends. After all, it's just a simple reminder that we have so much to be thankful for!
Give the gift of love. It never comes back empty!

God has truly blessed me with an AWESOME FAMILY & FRIENDS and I Love You ALL!

I would like to share an experience with you all about
drinking and driving.

As you might well know, some of us have been known
to have had rare brushes with the authorities
on our way home from the odd
social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks
with some friends and had a few too many beers
and some shots.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit
I did something I've never done before????
I took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a DUI checkpoint,
but because it was a bus, they just waved it through.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before
and am not sure where I got it!