Animal Jokes :: #715
By Simple Sentiments from USA.

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,

"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,

"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"

THE JEWISH BOARD OF DIRECTORS



Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were all close friends since childhood.



They decided they wanted to go into business together.



Schwartz says, "OK! I'll invest $100,000."



Cohen says, "I will go for $200,000."



Ginsburg says, "All right, I'll put in $1,000."



Cohen says, "Since I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO of the corporation. Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO. And Ginsburg, for your $1,000, you will be our Sexual Adviser."

Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, "What is a Sexual Adviser?"



Cohen replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."

When things look to good there is always a catch!
One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Biker : "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Biker : "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Biker : "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Biker : "You better believe it."

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good,'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Biker : "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Biker : "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

FRANCHISE OPPORTUNITY





A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan .


He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.


It's doing well.


He says prophets are going through the roof.

Airplane Jokes :: #10637
By Anonymous from USA.

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or

reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant

crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached

cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for

your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight

attendants."

2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave

your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington

National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.

WHOA!"

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in

Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please

take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a

landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will

descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull

it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,

secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with

more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Poor guy


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"