This is an idea for when they put us in "the Home!" I was sick and in the hospital. There was one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, 'And how are we doing this morning', Or 'Are we ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry ?' I had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bed side stand. Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went ! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. 'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.' At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.' The nurse fainted.......... I just smiled. DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE

*A* guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.** Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole. The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball***** *The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, pushed it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again pushed it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. ***** *The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"***** *No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."*****

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!!

Kid Jokes :: #419 By David Howard from Unknown A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The End

At the wedding reception the DJ yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death in the rush.

Bar & Drinking Jokes :: #3 By Dave Lundy from Unknown Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!" "Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather, Abdullah, in a nursing home. All the Arab facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asked the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile. "There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!" "There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!" "There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!" "And Me ....... I haven't had sex in 35 years and they still call me 'the fucking Arab'!"

Subject: my son got a tattoo My son told me - Dad, I would like to have a tattoo. I told him - No, nobody has one in our family ...... and you are not having one! He asked me - Why not? All my friends have a tattoo! I told him - It would be a stain on your body forever! He pleaded with me - Dad, please, please, just a Disney Character on the belly? And after many hours of discussion, I finally gave in and decided to let him. After all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice ... And I thought … a Disney Character ... is probably not so bad! WRONG ! If this doesn't make you laugh, you need help!

A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture. First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study. Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where is God?" The boy was stunned to silence. The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question: "I asked you, Where Is God?" The boy began to quake with dread .... this was no ordinary lecture for being bad! Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?" At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked. "It's awful! The church has LOST GOD and they're BLAMING US!

The military spent millions of dollars developing a corrosive chemical which could eat through anything - steel, concrete, even depleted uranium. When a Pentagon official was asked what they planned to do with it, he replied "I don't know, we have yet to retrieve it"

A man walked into his crowded local bar, waved a revolver around and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You're gonna need more ammo!"

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK : 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 4. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 5.TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 6.IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU 7.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS . 8.QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 9.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. 10. WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN: (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters. (9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. (6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day." (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error. (3) The only expense covered 100% is …. "Embalming." (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them. AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN: (1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my geneaology efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Give Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Mode Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Give Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a due ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Fast, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt.

In the restroom at the retirement center two seniors are reminiscing, one turns to the other and says; "I remember when this was my ERECTOR SET but lately, it's just a little TINKLE TOY"

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'

This is precious Scotch with 2 Drops of Water? TO SHARE WITH OLD FOLKS YOU MAY KNOW ...... A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship And orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate My 80th birthday and it's today.' The bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink The woman to her right says 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, The man to her left says 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies 'Sonny, when you're my age, You've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' 'OLD' IS WHEN.... Your sweetie says 'Let's go upstairs and make love' And you answer: 'Pick one, I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you On your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot! 'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy .... And your pacemaker opens the garage door! 'OLD' IS WHEN.... You don't care where your spouse goes ... Just as long as you don't have to go along. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down By the doctor instead of by the police 'OLD' IS WHEN.. 'Getting a little action' Means you don't need to take any fiber today 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car ... In the parking lot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up To use the bathroom. AND 'OLD' IS WHEN..... You are not sure these are jokes! Have a good day! "Young at heart" (slightly older in other places!)

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"

A nice looking woman wearing a very tight leather skirt was standing in line to board a bus in Houston Texas. When her turn came to get on the bus she went to step up but her skirt was too tight and she could not. She smiled at the bus driver and reached behind her to unzip her skirt just a little to give her enough movement to step up onto the platform. She tried a second time and still her skirt was too tight, so again she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. When she stepped up the third time she still could not reach the step do to her tight skirt. So smiling at the bus driver again she reached behind her for the third time and lowered her zipper even more. It was no use. Her skirt was still too tight to give her enough legroom to step up. All at once the big burly Texan behind her gently grabbed her around the waist and lifted her onto the bus platform. The woman whirled around in a rage. "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME LIKE THAT! We don't even know each other!" The Texan smiled and said, "Well mam, normally I'd say the same thing. But I thought we were at least friends after the third time you reached behind you and unzipped my fly!"

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPILS: A teacher.

At the end of the night a man leaves the bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over. He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast."

A Northern Wisconsin farmer named Ollie was in an accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him: "Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine."? Olie responded, "Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine." Olie said, "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to the attorney, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie." Olie said: "Tank you", and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and vas drivin' her down de road ven dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch. By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt purty durn bad and didn't vant to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too so he vent over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition he took out his gun and shot her right between de eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feelin'? "Now vat da hell vud you say?" ~ donduit

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"! TEACHER: What are you talking about? SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

Body Parts :: #1788 By SAMANTHA MC DANIEL from MARYSVILLE CALIFORNIA American Samoa This guy walks into a bar and takes two steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink. “When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. “All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because "It really satisfies. “The customer looks dumb founded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fellow proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on ticking!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fellow on his right, who is sipping a fruity margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1."Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately? “Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer. “The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret? “The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."

New Jersey. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHi_PcjgcK0&feature=plcp

Most people don't know that, but back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Veracruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th, and it is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo. Were you expecting something serious from me?

Medical School Exam When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam. The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect." Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. 'My son,' says one, 'has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.' The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. 'He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.' The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. 'To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. 'For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.'

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells. The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time. Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.' The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day." And you thought California was the land of fruits

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy . Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope. In time, the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.� In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise.� He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.� "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called � � � � � � � � � � � POPE SE-COLA!

Dr. Smith.” Said the woman in a very deep voice, I – I hate to say it, but I thing you overdid it on the hormone pills.” “Don’t worry,” the doctor assured her. “A deep voice is a natural development. It will only last a few days.” “But I’ve also noticed hair on my chest,” she said. “Really? And how far down does it reach.” She replied, “All the way to my balls.”

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

Man: Do you work for the U.P.S. Company? Woman: No, why? Man: Cause I thought I saw you checking out my package.

A couple is watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.'' The husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs...'' The wife says, “no”. The husband asks again, and again she says no. The husband asks, ''Is that your final answer?'' The wife says yes! The husband says, ‘‘well, can I phone a friend?''

JUST FOR FUN!!! Maybe I don't look as bad in a bathing suit as I thought I did. Guess it depends on who you stand by. New beach fashions are here!!!!!! Swimsuit Season Is Here I Just wanted to brighten your day !

I suppose you should be careful as to what you ask for. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself. My wife said "Fix that gutter downspout TODAY!" So I invited the boys over. One brought his welding machine, one brought a pipe cutter the others brought beer. Took us about 4 hours, mostly for the beer, but we got the downspout fixed. Wife is still speechless... I am certain not for much longer though.

Bill’s wife goes out to buy a car. The salesman says, I recommend this one. She asks why. The salesman says, “Because it has hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I’ll show you.” He drives the car 100 miles and hour toward a brick wall, and when he’s 100 feet away he jams on the brakes. They stop a foot from the wall. The salesman says, “Do you smell that?” She takes a sniff and says, “Uh-huh.” The salesman says proudly, “That’s hydraulic backspin brakes.” That night when Bill gets home, his wife says, “Dear, I bought a car.” Bill asks, “How did you decide which kind to buy?” She says, “I bought one with hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I’ll show you. They get in, and she drives 100 miles an hour toward the same brick wall. When they are 100 feet away from it she jams on the brakes, and they stop one foot from the wall. She looks over at her husband and says. “Do you smell that?” Bill says, “I ought to! I’m sitting in it.”

A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"

The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note: DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!"

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.

Elderly Jokes :: #22214
By Garry Prather from Bonsall CA United States Minor Outlying Islands

In 1997 at the age of 87 and not acquainted with modern technology, Ruth was given a "cordless" phone by her son. He lived 1500 miles away. After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her. "How is your new phone working, Mom." Her reply astonished him. "Oh we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord."

Bar & Drinking Jokes :: #16585
By Dan Erickson from Pekin Illinois USA.

A good man Rich, was with his friends having a contest to see who could make the best drinking toast. He hoisted his beer and said "Heres to the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!" And that won him the prize that night.

He went home and told his wife that he won the prize for the best toast. And she said "What was your toast. Not wanting to get in trouble he said "Heres to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife.

The next day she ran into one of his buddies in the street. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Rich won the prize the other night with a toast to you Nicole."

She said, "So he did, and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates

A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, “I have some bad news. The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”

They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS. Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”

The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

Have a great day!

Insurance Company

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.