The Sensuous Wife
Upon arriving home from work our hero was greeted by his wife, dressed in a low cut and very sexy dress.
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" She asked.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, nope."
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.
"Go look in the garage..."
Sunday, March 31, 2013
The Hotel Bill
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th
birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a
bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice
hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay!
I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast
had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the
Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre
which are available for
use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the
in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best
entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I
didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved,
she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam,
this check is for $50.00."
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th
birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a
bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice
hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay!
I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast
had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the
Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre
which are available for
use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the
in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best
entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I
didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved,
she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam,
this check is for $50.00."
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens
Saturday, March 30, 2013
A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."
The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."
One day these two girls were hired to clean this guy's house. While they were there the AC broke, so one of the girls said, "Hey, since no one is here and it’s so hot in here lets take off our clothes.” The other girl agreed. So they took their clothes off. Later that day they heard a knock at the door. One of the girls went to the door and asked who it was. "Blind man," the person answered. The girl said, "Hey, since he's blind he can't see us." So she let him in. As soon as the blind-man stepped in he said, "Nice tits where do you want these blinds."
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female (blonde) mortician asks the widow how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The widow returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. The suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much do I owe you?'
'There's no charge,' the mortician says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' the widowsays.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says. 'It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suitinstead. She said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.'
The female (blonde) mortician asks the widow how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The widow returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. The suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much do I owe you?'
'There's no charge,' the mortician says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' the widowsays.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says. 'It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suitinstead. She said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.'
Thursday, March 28, 2013
The Night Nurse
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour
shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her
purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks
at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great . . . some asshole has my pen.
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour
shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her
purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks
at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great . . . some asshole has my pen.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.
After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.
So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much he owed.
Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, for the Son of God there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
Jesus readily agreed and, as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him, and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Jesus he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all... I am the craftsman."
"I understand, Mr. Finkelstein.. but I am the son of God," Jesus replied.
The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. They finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later.. the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop
After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.
So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much he owed.
Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, for the Son of God there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
Jesus readily agreed and, as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him, and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Jesus he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all... I am the craftsman."
"I understand, Mr. Finkelstein.. but I am the son of God," Jesus replied.
The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. They finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later.. the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
> The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
> The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
> The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
> She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
> St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
> Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball!"
> St. Peter fainted.
> The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
> The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
> The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
> She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
> St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
> Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball!"
> St. Peter fainted.
A female brain cell was lost one day, and found itself inside a man’s head. Looking around, she saw that it was all very dark and empty. She started to get a little afraid, so she called out nervously, “Is anyone here?” With the only thing coming back to her being was the echo of her own voice; she called a little louder, “Can anyone hear me?” Still there was no response. By now the female brain cell was quite frightened and she called out loudly again, “IS THERE ANYONE HERE!” From far away she heard a little voice reply, “Hello, were all down here…”
Sunday, March 24, 2013
A guy walks into a bar in Oklahoma and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's on
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's on
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.
Judge: What were you doing?
1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.
Judge: And what were you doing?
2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.
Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?
3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!
Judge: What were you doing?
1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.
Judge: And what were you doing?
2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.
Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?
3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.
Farmer John has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him and pleads with him that now that he is graduating from school he would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he understood and said, "Ok, Dad." A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike.
Well, he gets the same excuse "....as soon as the tractor is paid for...."
Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again, old dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself. His dad standing near by says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that."
The little boy says "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid off!!!"
His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he understood and said, "Ok, Dad." A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike.
Well, he gets the same excuse "....as soon as the tractor is paid for...."
Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again, old dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself. His dad standing near by says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that."
The little boy says "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid off!!!"
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"
"Good. What comes after three?”
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"
"A jack"
Monday, March 18, 2013
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
REGGIE - A BLACK LAB
A Really Great Story Well Worth the Reading!
They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie,
as I looked at him lying in his pen.
The shelter was clean, no-kill,
and the people really friendly.
I'd only been in the area for six months, but
everywhere I went in the small college town, people
we're welcoming and open. Everyone waves
when you pass them on the street.
But something was still missing as I attempted to settle
in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt.
Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen
Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter
said they had received numerous calls right after,
but they said the people who had come down
to see him just didn't look like "Lab people,"
whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.
But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me
in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted
of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were
brand new tennis balls, his dishes and
a sealed letter from his previous owner.
See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home.
We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter
told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it
was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too.
Maybe we were too much alike.
I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten
about that. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see
if your previous owner has any advice."
_____________________
To Whomever Gets My Dog:
Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this,
a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by
Reggie's new owner. I'm not even happy writing it.
He knew something was different.
So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes
that it will help you bond with him and he with you.
First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier.
Sometimes I think he's part squirrel, the way he hoards them.
He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get
a third in there. Hasn't done it yet. Doesn't matter where
you throw them, he'll bound after them, so be careful.
Don't do it by any roads.
Next, commands. Reggie knows the
obvious ones ---"sit," "stay," "come," "heel."
He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball"
and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody's business.
Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular
store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.
He's up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet.
Good luck getting him in the car. I don't know how he
knows when it's time to go to the vet, but he knows.
Finally, give him some time. It's only been Reggie and
me for his whole life. He's gone everywhere with me,
so please include him on your daily car rides if you can.
He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn't bark
or complain. He just loves to be around people,
and me most especially.
And that's why I need to share one more bit of info with you...
His name's not Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it
and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn't
bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this ...
well it means that his new owner should know his real name.
His real name is "Tank." Because, that is what I drive.
I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie" available
for adoption until they received word from my company commander.
You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've
left Tank with ...
and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq,
that they make one phone call to the shelter ...
in the "event" ... to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption.
Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon
was headed. He said he'd do it personally. And if you're reading this,
then he made good on his word.
Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long
as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that
you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust
and come to love you the same way he loved me.
If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming
to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and
of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.
All right, that's enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter
off at the shelter. Maybe I'll peek in on him and see if he finally got
that third tennis ball in his mouth.
Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and
give him an extra kiss goodnight - every night - from me.
Thank you,
Paul Mallory
_____________________
I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure,
I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him,
even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few
months ago and posthumously earning the Silver Star
when he gave his life to save three buddies.
Flags had been at half-mast all summer.
I leaned forward in my chair and rested my
elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.
"Hey, Tank," I said quietly.
The dog's head whipped up, his ears
cocked and his eyes bright.
"C'mere boy."
He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor.
He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name
he hadn't heard in months. "Tank," I whispered.
His tail swished.
I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time,
his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed
as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked
his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into
his scruff and hugged him.
"It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me."
Tank reached up and licked my cheek.
"So whatdaya say we play some ball?"
His ears perked again.
"Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?"
Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room.
And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth.
If you can read this without getting a lump in your
throat or a tear in your eye, you just ain't right.
A Really Great Story Well Worth the Reading!
They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie,
as I looked at him lying in his pen.
The shelter was clean, no-kill,
and the people really friendly.
I'd only been in the area for six months, but
everywhere I went in the small college town, people
we're welcoming and open. Everyone waves
when you pass them on the street.
But something was still missing as I attempted to settle
in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt.
Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen
Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter
said they had received numerous calls right after,
but they said the people who had come down
to see him just didn't look like "Lab people,"
whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.
But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me
in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted
of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were
brand new tennis balls, his dishes and
a sealed letter from his previous owner.
See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home.
We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter
told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it
was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too.
Maybe we were too much alike.
I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten
about that. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see
if your previous owner has any advice."
_____________________
To Whomever Gets My Dog:
Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this,
a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by
Reggie's new owner. I'm not even happy writing it.
He knew something was different.
So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes
that it will help you bond with him and he with you.
First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier.
Sometimes I think he's part squirrel, the way he hoards them.
He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get
a third in there. Hasn't done it yet. Doesn't matter where
you throw them, he'll bound after them, so be careful.
Don't do it by any roads.
Next, commands. Reggie knows the
obvious ones ---"sit," "stay," "come," "heel."
He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball"
and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody's business.
Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular
store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.
He's up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet.
Good luck getting him in the car. I don't know how he
knows when it's time to go to the vet, but he knows.
Finally, give him some time. It's only been Reggie and
me for his whole life. He's gone everywhere with me,
so please include him on your daily car rides if you can.
He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn't bark
or complain. He just loves to be around people,
and me most especially.
And that's why I need to share one more bit of info with you...
His name's not Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it
and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn't
bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this ...
well it means that his new owner should know his real name.
His real name is "Tank." Because, that is what I drive.
I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie" available
for adoption until they received word from my company commander.
You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've
left Tank with ...
and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq,
that they make one phone call to the shelter ...
in the "event" ... to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption.
Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon
was headed. He said he'd do it personally. And if you're reading this,
then he made good on his word.
Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long
as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that
you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust
and come to love you the same way he loved me.
If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming
to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and
of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.
All right, that's enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter
off at the shelter. Maybe I'll peek in on him and see if he finally got
that third tennis ball in his mouth.
Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and
give him an extra kiss goodnight - every night - from me.
Thank you,
Paul Mallory
_____________________
I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure,
I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him,
even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few
months ago and posthumously earning the Silver Star
when he gave his life to save three buddies.
Flags had been at half-mast all summer.
I leaned forward in my chair and rested my
elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.
"Hey, Tank," I said quietly.
The dog's head whipped up, his ears
cocked and his eyes bright.
"C'mere boy."
He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor.
He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name
he hadn't heard in months. "Tank," I whispered.
His tail swished.
I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time,
his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed
as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked
his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into
his scruff and hugged him.
"It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me."
Tank reached up and licked my cheek.
"So whatdaya say we play some ball?"
His ears perked again.
"Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?"
Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room.
And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth.
If you can read this without getting a lump in your
throat or a tear in your eye, you just ain't right.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Friday, March 15, 2013
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level.
The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. I ran away from a pissed off mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers and a tall glass of bourbon"
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really shitty golfer".
The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. I ran away from a pissed off mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers and a tall glass of bourbon"
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really shitty golfer".
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he sa
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he sa
Thursday, March 14, 2013
This fireman comes home from work and tells his wife about the bell system they have at the station and proceeds to explain; bell one we slide down the poll. Bell two we get dressed for the fire. Bell three we get on the truck and go. Lets try a system like that when I come home and say bell one you strip and when I say bell two we go to the bedroom and when I say bell three we can be wild the rest of the night. His wife agrees to try. So the next night the husband comes home and yells bell one the wife strips then he yells bell two and they go back to the bedroom, he then yells bell three and they start having sex. Well a few minutes pass and the wife yells bell four. The husband asks what’s bell four and the wife says, “not enough hose to reach the fire.”
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Forward this joke to your friends >>
Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Forward this joke to your friends >>
DID YOU KNOW?
What IS The Main Ingredient of WD-40?
Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40?
No Cheating.....
WD-40 ~ Who knew!
I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup.
I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason).
I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news.
He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do....
probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open.
Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off.
It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I was impressed!
WD-40 who knew?
"Water Displacement #40".
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts.
WD-40 was created in 1953, by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company.
Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'Water Displacement' Compound.
They were finally successful for a formulation, with their fortieth attempt, thus WD-40.
The 'Convair Company' bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.
Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the 'shower door' part, try it.
It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door.
If yours is plastic, it works just as well as on glass.
It's a miracle!
Then try it on your stovetop.
It's now shinier than it's ever been.
You'll be amazed.
WD-40 Uses:
1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floor that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps the flies off of Cows, Horses, and other Farm Critters, as well. (Ya gotta love this one!!!)
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic / terracotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on both home and vehicles doors.
18. It removes that nasty tar and scuff marks from the kitchen flooring.
It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Remove those nasty Bug guts that will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21. Lubricates gearshift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers...
22. Rids kids rocking chair and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes grease splatters from stove tops.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
38. The favorite use in the state of New York, it protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose.
Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. It is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray it on the marks and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you spray it inside a wet distributor cap, it will displace the moisture, allowing the engine to start.
P.S.
As for that Basic, Main Ingredient.......
Well.... it's FISH OIL....
Who would have guessed ? ? ?
What IS The Main Ingredient of WD-40?
Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40?
No Cheating.....
WD-40 ~ Who knew!
I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup.
I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason).
I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news.
He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do....
probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open.
Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off.
It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I was impressed!
WD-40 who knew?
"Water Displacement #40".
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts.
WD-40 was created in 1953, by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company.
Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'Water Displacement' Compound.
They were finally successful for a formulation, with their fortieth attempt, thus WD-40.
The 'Convair Company' bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.
Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the 'shower door' part, try it.
It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door.
If yours is plastic, it works just as well as on glass.
It's a miracle!
Then try it on your stovetop.
It's now shinier than it's ever been.
You'll be amazed.
WD-40 Uses:
1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floor that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps the flies off of Cows, Horses, and other Farm Critters, as well. (Ya gotta love this one!!!)
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic / terracotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on both home and vehicles doors.
18. It removes that nasty tar and scuff marks from the kitchen flooring.
It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Remove those nasty Bug guts that will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21. Lubricates gearshift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers...
22. Rids kids rocking chair and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes grease splatters from stove tops.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
38. The favorite use in the state of New York, it protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose.
Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. It is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray it on the marks and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you spray it inside a wet distributor cap, it will displace the moisture, allowing the engine to start.
P.S.
As for that Basic, Main Ingredient.......
Well.... it's FISH OIL....
Who would have guessed ? ? ?
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"
40 years
of marriage..
A married
couple in their early 60's were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet
beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She
said, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife
answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world
with my darling husband.'
The
fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her
hands.
The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me.'
The
wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish.
Error!
Filename not specified.
So the
fairy waved her magic wand and
poof!...
The
husband became 92 years old.
The moral
of this story: Men who
are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies
are female.....
of marriage..
A married
couple in their early 60's were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet
beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She
said, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife
answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world
with my darling husband.'
The
fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her
hands.
The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me.'
The
wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish.
Error!
Filename not specified.
So the
fairy waved her magic wand and
poof!...
The
husband became 92 years old.
The moral
of this story: Men who
are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies
are female.....
An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans dick. Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman. The old woman’s distraught and yells, "WHAT'S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN'T!” The old man smiles and says, "Parkinson’s disease"
Monday, March 11, 2013
A guy gets a new mustang and starts driving it home. He goes over the speed limit by about 30 mph. A police stops him and says, "today has been a tiring day for me, if you tell me a line that I haven't heard, I won't write you a ticket" So the man sits there for about 30 seconds and says, "well my wife left me for a policeman, and I thought you were trying to give her back". So the policeman said, "Have a nice day"
Marriage Jokes :: #2100
By Joshua from Preston England United Kingdom
A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have teeth taken out" "$90" said the dentist "that’s ridiculous" said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $60" "that’s still to expensive,” said the man "if I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20". Still to much" said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist "perfect" said the man "book my wife for next Tuesday".
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Two fleas that live in Maine vacation in Florida every summer. One summer the first flea arrives shaking and shivering. The second flea asks "Why are you so cold"? The first flea says "Because I just rode down here on the mustache of a guy on a motorcycle". The second flea replies "That’s no way to travel, what you do is go to the airport and get a little drunk. Then you crawl up the leg of a hot flight attendant and go to sleep. When you wake up you'll be here nice and warm.
So the next summer the first flea arrives cold, shivering, and shaking. The second flea asks "What’s wrong didn't you take my advice?" The first flea answers I did what you said to, then the next thing I know I'm riding down here on the mustache of a guy on a motorcycle"
So the next summer the first flea arrives cold, shivering, and shaking. The second flea asks "What’s wrong didn't you take my advice?" The first flea answers I did what you said to, then the next thing I know I'm riding down here on the mustache of a guy on a motorcycle"
A teacher asked her class "which human organ expands to almost 10 times its normal size when stimulated?"
"I can't believe you are asking us this question!" one girl yells, "I plan to tell my parents that you are asking us inappropriate questions!"
The teacher pauses and another boy puts his hand up "the retina of the human eye?"
"Yes!" the teacher replies. "Very good Billy!" she then turns to the girl "I hate to tell you this," she says "but number 1, you did not do your homework, number 2, you have a very sick mind, and I fear you will be sadly disappointed someday.
"I can't believe you are asking us this question!" one girl yells, "I plan to tell my parents that you are asking us inappropriate questions!"
The teacher pauses and another boy puts his hand up "the retina of the human eye?"
"Yes!" the teacher replies. "Very good Billy!" she then turns to the girl "I hate to tell you this," she says "but number 1, you did not do your homework, number 2, you have a very sick mind, and I fear you will be sadly disappointed someday.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
A woman wants to surprise her husband for their 25th anniversary. She decides to go out buy some sexy lingerie. She picks up some crotch less panties and a new bra.
When the hubby gets home from work she's sprawled out on the bed wearing her new lingerie. In her sexiest voice she says "do you want some of this, big boy?” Slightly frightened, the man exclaims "hell no, look what it did to your panties!"
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Two old sailors were talking after being out at sea for 3 months. One said, "When I get to shore I am going to have a super sauna, hot shower and then find a loose woman". The other said, "Well, good luck to you mate." Later on shore, this old sailor found his loose woman and takes her to his hotel room. Then does what an old sailor would do in those circumstances. After while he says to her, "Well, how am I doing?". She replied, "About 3 knots." "What do mean by that?” the old sailor replied.
She said, " 1. You're not hard, 2. You're not in and 3, You’re not getting your money back."
She said, " 1. You're not hard, 2. You're not in and 3, You’re not getting your money back."
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Christian One Liners
Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
Until you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God,
But only as advisers.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons
Than it is to live one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,
But mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end,
You'll find God lives there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once,
But temptation bangs on the front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church;
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If a church wants a better pastor,
It only needs to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until
he is dead. So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people change churches;
What difference does it make which one you stay home from?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone,
But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to where the
Grace of God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message,
The message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him/her.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
Until you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God,
But only as advisers.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons
Than it is to live one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,
But mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end,
You'll find God lives there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once,
But temptation bangs on the front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church;
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If a church wants a better pastor,
It only needs to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until
he is dead. So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people change churches;
What difference does it make which one you stay home from?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone,
But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to where the
Grace of God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message,
The message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him/her.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
Monday, March 4, 2013
One day, two friends, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of buds. The passenger: Bubba said, "Look up ahead Earl, It's a police roadblock! We're going to get busted for drinking these beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. We'll just pull over and finish these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "
What for?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talking, said Earl. They finished their beers threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked,” Have you boys been drinking? "No sir, said Earl, We're on the patch."
What for?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talking, said Earl. They finished their beers threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked,” Have you boys been drinking? "No sir, said Earl, We're on the patch."
FORGOT MY GLASSES
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
Somewhere in Iowa an elderly couple named Ethel and Fred are engaged in foreplay...as Fred reaches under the covers he grabs Ethel by her tits and says, "Ethel if these could produce milk, we could get rid of that damn cow". Ethel thinks nothing of Fred's remark. Fred then reaches further down into the cover and grabs Ethel by her snatch. Fred then replies "Ethel if this here could catch mice we could get rid of that damn cat” at this remark Ethel rips the covers off the bed grabs Fred by his dick and says "Fred if this was a little bigger we could get rid of your damn brother."
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Beast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma but I'm glad I came."
You know. . . Time has a way of moving quickly
And catching you unaware of the passing years.
It seems just yesterday that I was young,
Just married and embarking on my new life with my mate.
And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago,
And I wonder where all the years went.
I know that I lived them all...
And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams...
But, here it is... The winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...
How did I get here so fast?
Where did the years go and where did my youth go?
I remember well...
Seeing older people through the years and thinking that those
Older people were years away from me and that my winter was so far off
That I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...
But, here it is...
My friends are retired and getting grey...
They move slower and I see an older person now.
Some are in better and some worse shape than me...
But, I see the great change...
Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...
But, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those
Older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.
And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared
for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability
To go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!
But, at least I know, that though the winter has come,
And I'm not sure how long it will last...
This I do know, that when it's over... Its over...
Yes, I have regrets.
There are things I wish I hadn't done...
Things I should have done, but didn't,
Yet, here are many things I'm happy I did do.
It's all in a lifetime...
So, if you're not in your winter yet...
Let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think.
Whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, please do it!
Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today ,
As you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...
So, live for today and say all the things you want your loved ones to remember...
And hope they appreciate and love you for all the things
You have done for them in all the years past!!
Life is a gift to you.
The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.
Make it a fantastic one.
--And, Remember--
"It is health that is real wealth And not pieces of gold or silver."
*May You always have Love to Share, Health to Spare and Friends that Care!
We aren't taking about things that cost money,
kind words, good deeds, showing and sharing your
love and feelings for others, be kind and considerate
to all those you love and care about. Let them know it!
Remember those little things that meant so much years
ago, they can mean the same again, take her/him on a twirl
around the kitchen, a gentle squeeze, a passionate kiss.
Show you care no matter the age.
And catching you unaware of the passing years.
It seems just yesterday that I was young,
Just married and embarking on my new life with my mate.
And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago,
And I wonder where all the years went.
I know that I lived them all...
And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams...
But, here it is... The winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...
How did I get here so fast?
Where did the years go and where did my youth go?
I remember well...
Seeing older people through the years and thinking that those
Older people were years away from me and that my winter was so far off
That I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...
But, here it is...
My friends are retired and getting grey...
They move slower and I see an older person now.
Some are in better and some worse shape than me...
But, I see the great change...
Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...
But, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those
Older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.
And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared
for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability
To go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!
But, at least I know, that though the winter has come,
And I'm not sure how long it will last...
This I do know, that when it's over... Its over...
Yes, I have regrets.
There are things I wish I hadn't done...
Things I should have done, but didn't,
Yet, here are many things I'm happy I did do.
It's all in a lifetime...
So, if you're not in your winter yet...
Let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think.
Whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, please do it!
Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today ,
As you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...
So, live for today and say all the things you want your loved ones to remember...
And hope they appreciate and love you for all the things
You have done for them in all the years past!!
Life is a gift to you.
The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.
Make it a fantastic one.
--And, Remember--
"It is health that is real wealth And not pieces of gold or silver."
*May You always have Love to Share, Health to Spare and Friends that Care!
We aren't taking about things that cost money,
kind words, good deeds, showing and sharing your
love and feelings for others, be kind and considerate
to all those you love and care about. Let them know it!
Remember those little things that meant so much years
ago, they can mean the same again, take her/him on a twirl
around the kitchen, a gentle squeeze, a passionate kiss.
Show you care no matter the age.
Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.
The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
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