Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Miscellaneous Jokes :: #14295
By Minie me from Sunyy coast QLD Australia
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
Golf
Miscellaneous Jokes :: #906
By Don Oberholz from Unknown
Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
By Don Oberholz from Unknown
Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
Monday, January 28, 2013
Kids & Family Jokes :: #4045
By Viking41284 from Glasgow United Kingdom
One fine day at school, the teacher was teaching all the students about the heart. After she had finished she said, “If any one has any doubts about what I have taught please ask". A boy stands up and asks," Teacher, does the heart have legs"? She replies, “no it doesn’t. What makes you ask such a question"? He replies, "Last night when I went into my parents bedroom I over heard my dad saying SWEET HEART spread your LEGS
By Viking41284 from Glasgow United Kingdom
One fine day at school, the teacher was teaching all the students about the heart. After she had finished she said, “If any one has any doubts about what I have taught please ask". A boy stands up and asks," Teacher, does the heart have legs"? She replies, “no it doesn’t. What makes you ask such a question"? He replies, "Last night when I went into my parents bedroom I over heard my dad saying SWEET HEART spread your LEGS
Sunday, January 27, 2013
1960s This is the one of the best presentations of the sixties that I have ever seen online. It is very well done. Just click on the link and sit back and enjoy the memories. Great photos, sounds and facts.
If you're not quite old enough to have been there,
feel free to pass it on to someone who is
Click here
http://objflicks.com/TakeMeBackToTheSixties.htm
If you're not quite old enough to have been there,
feel free to pass it on to someone who is
Click here
http://objflicks.com/TakeMeBackToTheSixties.htm
History you probably didn't get in school and I guarantee you your kids sure didn't get.
Tinian Island, Pacific Ocean.
It's a small island, less than 40 square miles, a flat green
dot in the vastness of Pacific blue.
Fly over it and you notice a slash across its north end of uninhabited bush, a long thin linethat looks like an overgrown dirt runway. If you didn't know what it was, you wouldn't give it a second glance out your airplane window.
On the ground, you see the runway isn't dirt but tarmac and crushed limestone, abandoned with weeds sticking out of it. Yet this is arguably the most historical airstrip on earth. This is where World War II was won. This is Runway Able:
On July 24, 1944, 30,000 US Marines landed on the beaches of Tinian .... Eight days later, over 8,000 of the 8,800 Japanese soldiers on the island were dead (vs. 328 Marines), and four months later the Seabees had built the busiest airfield of WWII - dubbed North Field - enabling B-29 Superfortresses to launch air attacks on the Philippines, Okinawa, and mainland Japan.
Late in the afternoon of August 5, 1945, a B-29 was maneuvered over a bomb loading pit, then after lengthy preparations, taxied to the east end of North Field's main runway, Runway Able, and at 2:45am in the early morning darkness of August 6, took off.
The B-29 was piloted by Col. Paul Tibbets of the US Army Air Force, who had named the plane after his mother, Enola Gay. The crew named the bomb they were carrying Little Boy. 6-¢“ hours later at 8:15am Japan time, the first atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima .
Three days later, in the pre-dawn hours of August 9, a B-29 named Bockscar (a pun on "boxcar" after its flight commander Capt. Fred Bock), piloted by Major Charles Sweeney took off from Runway Able. Finding its primary target of Kokura obscured by clouds, Sweeney proceeded to the secondary target of Nagasaki, over which, at 11:01am, bombardier Kermit Beahan released the atomic bomb dubbed Fat Man.
Here is "Atomic Bomb Pit #1" where Little Boy was loaded onto Enola Gay:
There are pictures displayed in the pit, now glass-enclosed. This one showsLittle Boy being hoisted into Enola Gay's bomb bay.
And here on the other side of ramp is "Atomic Bomb Pit #2" where Fat Man was loaded ontoBockscar.
The commemorative plaque records that 16 hours after the nuking of Nagasaki , "On August 10, 1945 at 0300, the Japanese Emperor without his cabinet's consent decided to end the Pacific War."
Take a good look at these pictures, folks. This is where World War II ended with total victory of America over Japan . I was there all alone. There were no other visitors and no one lives anywhere near for miles. Visiting the Bomb Pits, walking along deserted Runway Able in solitude, was a moment of extraordinarily powerful solemnity.
It was a moment of deep reflection. Most people, when they think of Hiroshima and Nagasaki , reflect on the numbers of lives killed in the nuclear blasts - at least 70,000 and 50,000 respectively. Being here caused me to reflect on the number of lives saved- how many more Japanese and Americans would have died in a continuation of the war had the nukes not been dropped.
Yet that was not all. It's not just that the nukes obviated the US invasion of Japan , Operation Downfall, that would have caused upwards of a million American and Japanese deaths or more. It's that nuking Hiroshima and Nagasaki were of extraordinary humanitarian benefit to the nation and people of Japan .
Let's go to this cliff on the nearby island of Saipan to learn why:
Saipan is less than a mile north of Tinian .... The month before the Marines took Tinian, on June 15, 1944, 71,000 Marines landed on Saipan .... They faced 31,000 Japanese soldiers determined not to surrender.
Japan had colonized Saipan after World War I and turned the island into a giant sugar cane plantation. By the time of the Marine invasion, in addition to the 31,000 entrenched soldiers, some 25,000 Japanese settlers were living on Saipan, plus thousands more Okinawans, Koreans, and native islanders brutalized as slaves to cut the sugar cane.
There were also one or two thousand Korean "comfort women" (kanji in Japanese), abducted young women from Japan 's colony of Korea to service the Japanese soldiers as sex slaves. (See The Comfort Women: Japan 's Brutal Regime of Enforced Prostitution in the Second World War, by George Hicks.)
Within a week of their landing, the Marines set up a civilian prisoner encampment that quickly attracted a couple thousand Japanese and others wanting US food and protection. When word of this reached Emperor Hirohito - who contrary to the myth was in full charge of the war - he became alarmed that radio interviews of the well-treated prisoners broadcast to Japan would subvert his people's will to fight.
As meticulously documented by historian Herbert Bix in Hirohito and the Making of Modern Japan, the Emperor issued an order for all Japanese civilians on Saipan to commit suicide. The order included the promise that, although the civilians were of low caste, their suicide would grant them a status in heaven equal to those honored soldiers who died in combat for their Emperor.
And that is why the precipice in the picture above is known as Suicide Cliff, off which over 20,000 Japanese civilians jumped to their deaths to comply with their fascist emperor's desire - mothers flinging their babies off the cliff first or in their arms as they jumped.
Anyone reluctant or refused, such as the Okinawan or Korean slaves, were shoved off at gunpoint by the Jap soldiers. Then the soldiers themselves proceeded to hurl themselves into the ocean to drown off a sea cliff afterwards called Banzai Cliff. Of the 31,000 Japanese soldiers on Saipan , the Marines killed 25,000, 5,000 jumped off Banzai Cliff, and only the remaining thousand were taken prisoner.
The extent of this demented fanaticism is very hard for any civilized mind to fathom - especially when it is devoted not to anything noble but barbarian evil instead. The vast brutalities inflicted by the Japanese on their conquered and colonized peoples of China , Korea , the Philippines , and throughout their "Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere" was a hideously depraved horror.
And they were willing to fight to the death to defend it. So they had to be nuked. The only way to put an end to the Japanese barbarian horror was unimaginably colossal destruction against which they had no defense whatever. Nuking Japan was not a matter of justice, revenge, or it getting what it deserved. It was the only way to end the Japanese dementia.
And it worked - for the Japanese. They stopped being barbarians and started being civilized. They achieved more prosperity - and peace - than they ever knew, or could have achieved had they continued fighting and not been nuked. The shock of getting nuked is responsible.
We achieved this because we were determined to achieve victory. Victory without apologies. Despite perennial liberal demands we do so, America and its government has never apologized for nuking Japan ... Hopefully, America never will.
Oh, yes... Guinness lists Saipan as having the best, most equitable, weather in the world. And the beaches? Well, take a look:
I find e-mails such as this one just plain fascinating. Although we do not forget, history fades into the shadows of our mind and we seldom think about it. But, we should remember and we should be constantly reminded of our history, where we came from and how we got here. Kind of interesting. Anyway I think so...........
Idiots Jokes :: #474
By Christopher from Niagara Falls Ontario Canada
There once was a "smart guy," a "not that smart guy," and an all round "not smart at all guy." They were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The "smart guy" says, "meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!" Later on an hour passes. The "smart guy" says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the "not so smart guy" says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated. The "not smart at all guy" says, "I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!"
By Christopher from Niagara Falls Ontario Canada
There once was a "smart guy," a "not that smart guy," and an all round "not smart at all guy." They were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The "smart guy" says, "meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!" Later on an hour passes. The "smart guy" says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the "not so smart guy" says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated. The "not smart at all guy" says, "I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!"
Elderly Jokes :: #22375
By Rick Widdison from Whidbey Island Washington USA.
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
By Rick Widdison from Whidbey Island Washington USA.
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
Friday, January 25, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Musician Jokes :: #365
By Curt Repsis from Unknown
A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."
By Curt Repsis from Unknown
A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."
Monday, January 21, 2013
IT TOOK A VERY BRAVE MAN TO WRITE THIS....
IT TAKES AN EVEN BRAVER ONE TO FORWARD IT....!!
A son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white? '
The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
‘Dad why are wedding dresses white?
‘The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
He is still in intensive care........ very slow recovery.
Body Parts :: #1512
By Anonymous from Australia
There was this couple who had been married for 50
years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one
morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just
think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here
naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we
get naked?"
Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat
down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly,
"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty
years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your
coffee and the other's in your oatmeal
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Idiots Jokes :: #18950
By from USA.
Two roofers, Larry and Joe were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden win gust came and knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.” What, do you thing, I’m stupid? “I have and idea” said Joe. “I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.” What, do you think I’m stupid? “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”
Animal Jokes :: #10894
By Anonymous from USA.
Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with “Somebody’s gonna get it tonight! Somebody’s gonna get it tonight!” In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet store and explained the parrot’s behavior to the manager. “What you need,” he said, “is a female parrot too” I don’t have one on hand but I will order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives.” Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn’t care for the owl. He glared at it. Marilyn was happy to have solved her problem. That night a guest came in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things had not changed. “Somebody’s gonna get it tonight!” said the parrot. The owl said, “Whoo? Whoo?” And the parrot said, “Not you” “Not you
Friday, January 18, 2013
Miscellaneous Jokes :: #4662
By Nola Barrett from Bentonville Arkansas USA.
There was a huge wreck on the freeway early one morning. Three women were killed and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter met them there and told each of them to be very careful to not step on a duck. They were everywhere! He told them they would be punished accordingly. Well Lady #1 step on a duck within the first 30 minutes. So St. Peter came walking toward her with the most ugly man she had ever seen in her life and He handcuffed him to her for eternity. Lady #2 was a little more careful and it took her until the next day before she stepped on one, but the same happened to her, she was handcuffed to the ugliest and most repulsive man she had ever seen. Lady #3 was hoping to be so careful not to step on any since she had seen what had happened to the other two. Four weeks later she saw St. Peter walking her way with the most handsome and sexiest man she had ever seen. And they were handcuffed together for eternity, She looked at him and smiled " well I don't know what I have done to deserve such luck" He said to her I don't know about you but I stepped on 2 ducks.
By Nola Barrett from Bentonville Arkansas USA.
There was a huge wreck on the freeway early one morning. Three women were killed and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter met them there and told each of them to be very careful to not step on a duck. They were everywhere! He told them they would be punished accordingly. Well Lady #1 step on a duck within the first 30 minutes. So St. Peter came walking toward her with the most ugly man she had ever seen in her life and He handcuffed him to her for eternity. Lady #2 was a little more careful and it took her until the next day before she stepped on one, but the same happened to her, she was handcuffed to the ugliest and most repulsive man she had ever seen. Lady #3 was hoping to be so careful not to step on any since she had seen what had happened to the other two. Four weeks later she saw St. Peter walking her way with the most handsome and sexiest man she had ever seen. And they were handcuffed together for eternity, She looked at him and smiled " well I don't know what I have done to deserve such luck" He said to her I don't know about you but I stepped on 2 ducks.
Computer Jokes :: #595
By Arsen Vladimirsky from Chicago IL USA.
You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
· All of your friends have an @ in their names.
· Your dog has its own home page.
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Blonde Jokes :: #13873
By steez from USA.
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping
By steez from USA.
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
PUNOGRAPHY
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
...
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it !
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me !
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police
have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off !
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer !
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Never fall in love with a tennis player because to a tennis player, love
means nothing.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
...
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it !
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me !
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police
have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off !
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer !
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Never fall in love with a tennis player because to a tennis player, love
means nothing.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Idiots Jokes :: #6341
By Trish Greenham from Australia
An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."
By Trish Greenham from Australia
An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."
NOAH TODAY
In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in Australia and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
Along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
About the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my
Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
Hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
On cutting local trees in order to save the Rufous Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
Confining wild animals against their will. They
Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
A confined space."
"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
On your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
Supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Immigration are checking the
Visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
Insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the ATO seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
With endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
Years for me to finish this Ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
And a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."
In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in Australia and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
Along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
About the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my
Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
Hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
On cutting local trees in order to save the Rufous Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
Confining wild animals against their will. They
Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
A confined space."
"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
On your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
Supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Immigration are checking the
Visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
Insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the ATO seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
With endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
Years for me to finish this Ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
And a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."
Subject: VERY IMPORTANT
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The State hired an Ornithological Behaviorist from Boston, Massachusetts to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."
Now you know!
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The State hired an Ornithological Behaviorist from Boston, Massachusetts to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."
Now you know!
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Damn Women Drivers
Women Drivers ~~ RIGHT
Distracted Driving Incident
Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.........
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac
doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds......to continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked
my cell phone away from my ear, which fell Into the coffee between my legs!
It splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!
Friday, January 11, 2013
Any Key
Computer Jokes :: #4406
By Said al-Mughairy from Al-Ansab Muscat Oman
New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'.
Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?
Customer: 'Tried but nothing”
Tech Support: “What key did you hit?
After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.
Confession
Religious Jokes :: #14168
By from USA.
A lady with a hearing problem goes to confession. The priest asked her to speak more quietly, since everyone in the church could hear her and even suggested for her to write down what she had to say in advance. At her next confession, she knelt and handed a piece of paper to the priest. He looked at it and said, “What is this” It looks like a grocery list.” “Mother of God!” said the lady. “I must have left my sins at the Market!”
Military Jokes :: #11057
By Anonymous from USA.
Returning to West Point late one night, Colonel Schultz and his wife were challenged by the sentry at the gate.
“Halt and identify yourself!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” declared the startled woman.
The sentry stepped aside. “Advance, Holy Family, to be recognized.”
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Sex Jokes :: #4048
By SWAMPMAN_ from USA.
A man goes to see the doctor to ask for three Viagra pills. The doctor says these are very powerful pills so I need to know why you need three. Well, the guy says my girlfriend is coming over Friday, my ex-wife on Saturday, and my new-wife is coming home on Saturday and I need these pills so I can satisfied them all. Well the doctor said ok on one condition, that you come in on Monday so I can check your vitals to make sure you are ok. The man agrees. So Monday comes and the man sees the doctor, but both arms are in slings. Oh my! What happened? The doctor asked. The man replied nobody showed up I was alone all weekend
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Work Jokes :: #10723
By from USA.
The factory foreman inspected the shipment of crystal vases leaving the plant, and approached his new packer. He put his arm around the man’s shoulder and said,
“Well, Ole, I see you did what I asked. Stamped the top of each box, ‘This Side Up,
Handle With Care.’”
“Yes sir,” the worker replied. “And just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too.”
A little girl was reading a book with her grandfather, and every once in while she would touch her grandfather's wrinkly face and then touch her own. One time she ask him,” Grandpa, did God make you?" The old man replied,” Yes, he made me a long time ago.” The little girl questioned him again,” Grandpa, did God make me?" The old man again replied,” Yes, he did, not too long ago." The little girl then said,” God’s getting better at it isn't he?"
Monday, January 7, 2013
Talk about embarrassing
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Ben Stein
.
Only hope we find GOD again before it is too late ! !
The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.
My confession:
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat...
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school... The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about.. And we said okay..
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you laughing yet?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
Pass it on if you think it has merit.
If not, then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.
My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein
Only hope we find GOD again before it is too late ! !
The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.
My confession:
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat...
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school... The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about.. And we said okay..
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you laughing yet?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
Pass it on if you think it has merit.
If not, then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.
My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein
Colored Eggs
Entertainment Jokes :: #16671
By Anonymous from USA.
A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.
By Anonymous from USA.
A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Subject: The Girl and the Dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar….
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....
"Didn't feel a thing."
Friday, January 4, 2013
Imported Food. Good Info...
Chinais now buying human waste from Canada and shipping it in the empty containers that they export their products.
Imported Food We Eat and Junk We Buy
Green Giant frozen vegetables are from China, as are most of Europe ’s.
Best: Arctic Gardens are OK.
NEVER buy the grocery store garlic unless it is clearly marked from the USA or Canada . Most everything else is stuff grown in people poop (even worse than the chicken poop below)! China is the largest producer of garlic in the world. The U.S. is next.
Buy only local honey; again, most honey is shipped in huge containers from China and re-packed in the US . You probably won’t find that on the label!!
Cold-FX is grown and packed in China and is full of fecal bacteria. Doesn't work anyway, big scam. If the country of origin is not clearly marked, beware!
If you aren’t sure about produce, ask an employee.
Watch out for packages which state "prepared for", "packed by" or "imported by".
The country of origin should be clearly shown on the item. Buy as much as you can from local farmers markets in season, and keep a wary eye open the rest of the year.
How is it possible to ship food from China cheaper than having it produced in the U.S or Canada ?
For example: The "Our Family" brand of mandarin oranges says right on the can it’s from China . Just look at the label - The MORE we purchase from China , the cheaper it becomes for them to ship it all to the U.S. in huge container ships!
For a few more cents (literally!) you can buy several other brands.
Gold brand or Dole comes from California .
Beware, Costco sells canned peaches and pears in a plastic container that come from China .
All "High Liner" and most other frozen fish products come from China or Indonesia . The package may say "Pacific salmon" on the front, but look for the small print, usually on the back of the package near the bottom. Most of these products come from fish farms in the orient where there are no regulations on what is fed to these fish. (Recently The Montreal Gazette had an article by the Canadian Government on how Chinese feed the fish: They suspend chicken wire crates over the fish ponds, and the fish feed on chicken poop. Then YOU get to eat the fish!) If you search the internet about what the Chinese feed their fish that they import all over the world, you'll be alarmed at the pictures and the articles. (It’s nauseating reading!)
Never buy any type of fish or shellfish that comes from these countries: Vietnam , China , Philippines . Again, you can find a myriad of articles on this on the internet without having to dig very far!
Steinfeld’s Pickles are made in India – just as bad!!!
Another example is in canned mushrooms: No-Name brand comes from Indonesia .
Check those little fruit cups. They used to be made in Canada in the Niagara region until about 2 years ago. They are now packaged in China ! Look at the label!
While the Chinese export inferior and even toxic products, dangerous toys and goods to be sold in North American markets. Yet, 70% of North Americans believe that the trading privileges afforded to the Chinese should be suspended!!
Well, duh... Why do you need the government to suspend trading privileges?
Simply do it yourself!!! Buy only Canadian or U.S. products!!
Read the labels of what you buy! If it says 'Made in China ' or 'PRC' (that now includes Hong Kong ), choose another product, or none at all. You will be amazed at how dependent you are on Chinese products and how YOU are furthering their invasion into our food supply as well as taking jobs away from US citizens by buying their products!
**** If 200 million North Americans refused to buy just $20 each of Chinese goods, that's a billion dollar trade imbalance resolved in our favor...fast!! The downside? Some Canadian/American businesses will feel a temporary pinch from having foreign stockpiles of their inventory. But we, as Americans, HAVE to show them that we do NOT want Chinese products or they will keep buying from China . We are the end user and we must change this because they won’t.
If just one month of trading losses hit the Chinese, it would account for 8% of their North American exports. That's "less" coming in, not "more"! At least it's a start! Even slowing down the amount they get into this country helps.
PLEASE - Send this to everybody you know, and keep sending it so it continues to go around. WE have to make the difference
Chinais now buying human waste from Canada and shipping it in the empty containers that they export their products.
Imported Food We Eat and Junk We Buy
Green Giant frozen vegetables are from China, as are most of Europe ’s.
Best: Arctic Gardens are OK.
NEVER buy the grocery store garlic unless it is clearly marked from the USA or Canada . Most everything else is stuff grown in people poop (even worse than the chicken poop below)! China is the largest producer of garlic in the world. The U.S. is next.
Buy only local honey; again, most honey is shipped in huge containers from China and re-packed in the US . You probably won’t find that on the label!!
Cold-FX is grown and packed in China and is full of fecal bacteria. Doesn't work anyway, big scam. If the country of origin is not clearly marked, beware!
If you aren’t sure about produce, ask an employee.
Watch out for packages which state "prepared for", "packed by" or "imported by".
The country of origin should be clearly shown on the item. Buy as much as you can from local farmers markets in season, and keep a wary eye open the rest of the year.
How is it possible to ship food from China cheaper than having it produced in the U.S or Canada ?
For example: The "Our Family" brand of mandarin oranges says right on the can it’s from China . Just look at the label - The MORE we purchase from China , the cheaper it becomes for them to ship it all to the U.S. in huge container ships!
For a few more cents (literally!) you can buy several other brands.
Gold brand or Dole comes from California .
Beware, Costco sells canned peaches and pears in a plastic container that come from China .
All "High Liner" and most other frozen fish products come from China or Indonesia . The package may say "Pacific salmon" on the front, but look for the small print, usually on the back of the package near the bottom. Most of these products come from fish farms in the orient where there are no regulations on what is fed to these fish. (Recently The Montreal Gazette had an article by the Canadian Government on how Chinese feed the fish: They suspend chicken wire crates over the fish ponds, and the fish feed on chicken poop. Then YOU get to eat the fish!) If you search the internet about what the Chinese feed their fish that they import all over the world, you'll be alarmed at the pictures and the articles. (It’s nauseating reading!)
Never buy any type of fish or shellfish that comes from these countries: Vietnam , China , Philippines . Again, you can find a myriad of articles on this on the internet without having to dig very far!
Steinfeld’s Pickles are made in India – just as bad!!!
Another example is in canned mushrooms: No-Name brand comes from Indonesia .
Check those little fruit cups. They used to be made in Canada in the Niagara region until about 2 years ago. They are now packaged in China ! Look at the label!
While the Chinese export inferior and even toxic products, dangerous toys and goods to be sold in North American markets. Yet, 70% of North Americans believe that the trading privileges afforded to the Chinese should be suspended!!
Well, duh... Why do you need the government to suspend trading privileges?
Simply do it yourself!!! Buy only Canadian or U.S. products!!
Read the labels of what you buy! If it says 'Made in China ' or 'PRC' (that now includes Hong Kong ), choose another product, or none at all. You will be amazed at how dependent you are on Chinese products and how YOU are furthering their invasion into our food supply as well as taking jobs away from US citizens by buying their products!
**** If 200 million North Americans refused to buy just $20 each of Chinese goods, that's a billion dollar trade imbalance resolved in our favor...fast!! The downside? Some Canadian/American businesses will feel a temporary pinch from having foreign stockpiles of their inventory. But we, as Americans, HAVE to show them that we do NOT want Chinese products or they will keep buying from China . We are the end user and we must change this because they won’t.
If just one month of trading losses hit the Chinese, it would account for 8% of their North American exports. That's "less" coming in, not "more"! At least it's a start! Even slowing down the amount they get into this country helps.
PLEASE - Send this to everybody you know, and keep sending it so it continues to go around. WE have to make the difference
Religious Jokes :: #14246
By Anonymous from USA.
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when an intruder startled her.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38” (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven) the burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man, he asked him: “Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell a scripture to you”
“Scripture?” replied the intruder. “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
ALEXANDRIA, VA -- (Marketwire) -- 01/02/13 -- A new year is upon us and for many that means a renewed commitment to living healthy and a dedication to achieving resolutions. Adopting small lifestyle changes can have a big impact on your health.
"As the new year begins, people often make resolutions related to improving their health and well-being. Resolutions such as losing weight, exercising more or eating better can also help lower the risk of developing type 2 diabetes," said Lurelean B. Gaines, RN, MSN, President, Health Care & Education, American Diabetes Association. "To support people with their health resolutions, the American Diabetes Association has many free programs, tools and resources to help them achieve their goals for diabetes prevention and management -- and keep their New Year's resolution intact throughout the year."
People typically enter January with the best of intentions, but sometimes need help keeping on track with resolutions. Long-term changes are easier to make if you choose one habit that you are ready, willing and able to change. For each change, create a goal that is short, realistic and specific. The American Diabetes Association has the resources to help make a plan for long-term success:
My Health Advisor: Newly re-launched, My Health Advisor helps people learn about the small steps they can take to lower their risk for developing type 2 diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and diabetes complications. Users enter basic health information to find out their risk. They receive a personalized action plan showing how modifications, such as losing 5-10 pounds or quitting smoking, can lower their risk and improve their health.
Living With Type 2 Diabetes Program: It's not easy to be diagnosed with diabetes. But for millions of Americans, learning about their diabetes is the first step toward feeling better and living a longer, healthier life. Living With Type 2 Diabetes is a free, year-long program that provides information and offers opportunities for support for people interested in learning about diabetes and how to live well with their disease. It includes everything from nutrition tips to exercise ideas to learning how diabetes affects your emotions -- all in one place. This program is available in English and Spanish, online or by mail.
MyFoodAdvisor: Recipes for Healthy Living®: Tracking what you eat can help in managing diabetes and in turn, preventing the onset of complications. This online resource provides food information to people with diabetes, heart disease, kidney disease, celiac disease and those looking to lose weight including recipes, cooking tips and a healthy meal plan every month.
The American Diabetes Association is leading the fight to Stop Diabetes® and its deadly consequences and fighting for those affected by diabetes. The Association funds research to prevent, cure and manage diabetes; delivers services to hundreds of communities; provides objective and credible information; and gives voice to those denied their rights because of diabetes. Founded in 1940, our mission is to prevent and cure diabetes and to improve the lives of all people affected by diabetes. For more information please call the American Diabetes Association at 1-800-DIABETES (1-800-342-2383) or visit www.diabetes.org. Information from both these sources is available in English and Spanish.
Add to Digg Bookmark with del.icio.us Add to Newsvine
Contact:
Lauren Gleason
(703) 549-1500 ext. 2622
lgleason@diabetes.org
"As the new year begins, people often make resolutions related to improving their health and well-being. Resolutions such as losing weight, exercising more or eating better can also help lower the risk of developing type 2 diabetes," said Lurelean B. Gaines, RN, MSN, President, Health Care & Education, American Diabetes Association. "To support people with their health resolutions, the American Diabetes Association has many free programs, tools and resources to help them achieve their goals for diabetes prevention and management -- and keep their New Year's resolution intact throughout the year."
People typically enter January with the best of intentions, but sometimes need help keeping on track with resolutions. Long-term changes are easier to make if you choose one habit that you are ready, willing and able to change. For each change, create a goal that is short, realistic and specific. The American Diabetes Association has the resources to help make a plan for long-term success:
My Health Advisor: Newly re-launched, My Health Advisor helps people learn about the small steps they can take to lower their risk for developing type 2 diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and diabetes complications. Users enter basic health information to find out their risk. They receive a personalized action plan showing how modifications, such as losing 5-10 pounds or quitting smoking, can lower their risk and improve their health.
Living With Type 2 Diabetes Program: It's not easy to be diagnosed with diabetes. But for millions of Americans, learning about their diabetes is the first step toward feeling better and living a longer, healthier life. Living With Type 2 Diabetes is a free, year-long program that provides information and offers opportunities for support for people interested in learning about diabetes and how to live well with their disease. It includes everything from nutrition tips to exercise ideas to learning how diabetes affects your emotions -- all in one place. This program is available in English and Spanish, online or by mail.
MyFoodAdvisor: Recipes for Healthy Living®: Tracking what you eat can help in managing diabetes and in turn, preventing the onset of complications. This online resource provides food information to people with diabetes, heart disease, kidney disease, celiac disease and those looking to lose weight including recipes, cooking tips and a healthy meal plan every month.
The American Diabetes Association is leading the fight to Stop Diabetes® and its deadly consequences and fighting for those affected by diabetes. The Association funds research to prevent, cure and manage diabetes; delivers services to hundreds of communities; provides objective and credible information; and gives voice to those denied their rights because of diabetes. Founded in 1940, our mission is to prevent and cure diabetes and to improve the lives of all people affected by diabetes. For more information please call the American Diabetes Association at 1-800-DIABETES (1-800-342-2383) or visit www.diabetes.org. Information from both these sources is available in English and Spanish.
Add to Digg Bookmark with del.icio.us Add to Newsvine
Contact:
Lauren Gleason
(703) 549-1500 ext. 2622
lgleason@diabetes.org
Salespeople Jokes :: #6962
By Jack Anders from Richmond Virginia USA.
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time.
By Jack Anders from Richmond Virginia USA.
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time.
Lawsuits
Top Ten Most Ridiculous Lawsuits of 2012
A lawsuit by a driver who pleaded guilty to driving under the influence of alcohol and drugs and then sued a victim that he killed tops the U.S. Chamber Institute for Legal Reform’s (ILR) survey of the Top Ten Most Ridiculous Lawsuits of 2012, released today.
“Abuse of our legal system is no joke, and these examples range from the outrageous to the absurd,” said ILR President Lisa A. Rickard. “This poll reminds us that as a society, we sue too much. In turn, these abusive lawsuits inflict harm on lives, jobs, and our economic growth.”
ILR announced the Top Ten Most Ridiculous Lawsuits of 2012 from votes cast throughout the year by visitors to FacesOfLawsuitAbuse.org. The lawsuits were selected from those featured in the website’s monthly polls for 2012. The Faces of Lawsuit Abuse campaign is ILR’s public awareness effort created to highlight the impact of abusive lawsuits on small businesses, communities, and individuals.
The Top Ten Most Ridiculous Lawsuits of 2012 are:
Intoxicated Florida driver pleads guilty to manslaughter, then sues victim he killed
Michigan woman files $5 million suit for the leftover gas still in her repossessed car
13-year-old Little Leaguer sued by spectator who got hit with baseball
Maximum security inmate who went to jail with five teeth sues prison for dental problems
Anheuser Busch sued when longneck bottle used as weapon in bar fight
National Football League fan sues Dallas Cowboys over hot bench
California restaurateur sued for disabilities act violations in parking lot he doesn’t own
Colorado man wins $7 million blaming illness on inhaling microwave popcorn fumes
$1.7 billion suit claims City of Santa Monica wireless parking meters causing health problems
Bay Area parents sue school after their son was kicked out of honors class for cheating
A lawsuit by a driver who pleaded guilty to driving under the influence of alcohol and drugs and then sued a victim that he killed tops the U.S. Chamber Institute for Legal Reform’s (ILR) survey of the Top Ten Most Ridiculous Lawsuits of 2012, released today.
“Abuse of our legal system is no joke, and these examples range from the outrageous to the absurd,” said ILR President Lisa A. Rickard. “This poll reminds us that as a society, we sue too much. In turn, these abusive lawsuits inflict harm on lives, jobs, and our economic growth.”
ILR announced the Top Ten Most Ridiculous Lawsuits of 2012 from votes cast throughout the year by visitors to FacesOfLawsuitAbuse.org. The lawsuits were selected from those featured in the website’s monthly polls for 2012. The Faces of Lawsuit Abuse campaign is ILR’s public awareness effort created to highlight the impact of abusive lawsuits on small businesses, communities, and individuals.
The Top Ten Most Ridiculous Lawsuits of 2012 are:
Intoxicated Florida driver pleads guilty to manslaughter, then sues victim he killed
Michigan woman files $5 million suit for the leftover gas still in her repossessed car
13-year-old Little Leaguer sued by spectator who got hit with baseball
Maximum security inmate who went to jail with five teeth sues prison for dental problems
Anheuser Busch sued when longneck bottle used as weapon in bar fight
National Football League fan sues Dallas Cowboys over hot bench
California restaurateur sued for disabilities act violations in parking lot he doesn’t own
Colorado man wins $7 million blaming illness on inhaling microwave popcorn fumes
$1.7 billion suit claims City of Santa Monica wireless parking meters causing health problems
Bay Area parents sue school after their son was kicked out of honors class for cheating
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Computer Jokes :: #11811
By Fred Pollock from Bellefountaine oh USA.
One day a man and his wife needed to type in a password so that they could login on. So the husband tries to be funny so he types in “penis”. His wife literally falls on the ground laughing when the computer replies “PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH
By Fred Pollock from Bellefountaine oh USA.
One day a man and his wife needed to type in a password so that they could login on. So the husband tries to be funny so he types in “penis”. His wife literally falls on the ground laughing when the computer replies “PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH
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