Friday, August 31, 2012
Family Jokes :: #16984
By clyde messenger from baton rouge la USA.
"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."
Thursday, August 30, 2012
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Obama.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.
Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."
Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................
. . . . . . .
. . . .
. . .
.
Go Home Grandpa.......... Go home!
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................
. . . . . . .
. . . .
. . .
.
Go Home Grandpa.......... Go home!
Dear Employees:
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.
But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.
But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
Animal Jokes :: #626
By Neil from Des Moines IA Unknown
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
THE WORLD IS MINE - Author Unknown
Today, upon a bus, I saw a very beautiful woman and wished I were as beautiful. When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle. She had one leg and used a crutch. But as she passed, she passed a smile. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two legs; the world is mine.
I stopped to buy some candy. The lad who sold it had such charm. I talked with him, he seemed so glad. If I were late, it'd do no harm. And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you've been so kind. It's nice to talk with folks like you. You see," he said, "I'm blind." Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two eyes; the world is mine.
Later while walking down the street, I saw a child I knew. He stood and watched the others play, but he did not know what to do. I stopped a moment and then I said, "Why don't you join them dear?" He looked ahead without a word. I forgot, he couldn't hear. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two ears; the world is mine.
With feet to take me where I'd go... With eyes to see the sunset's glow. With ears to hear what I'd know. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.
If this poem makes you feel thankful, just forward it to your friends. After all, it's just a simple reminder that we have so much to be thankful for!
Give the gift of love. It never comes back empty!
God has truly blessed me with an AWESOME FAMILY & FRIENDS and I Love You ALL!
Today, upon a bus, I saw a very beautiful woman and wished I were as beautiful. When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle. She had one leg and used a crutch. But as she passed, she passed a smile. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two legs; the world is mine.
I stopped to buy some candy. The lad who sold it had such charm. I talked with him, he seemed so glad. If I were late, it'd do no harm. And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you've been so kind. It's nice to talk with folks like you. You see," he said, "I'm blind." Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two eyes; the world is mine.
Later while walking down the street, I saw a child I knew. He stood and watched the others play, but he did not know what to do. I stopped a moment and then I said, "Why don't you join them dear?" He looked ahead without a word. I forgot, he couldn't hear. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two ears; the world is mine.
With feet to take me where I'd go... With eyes to see the sunset's glow. With ears to hear what I'd know. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.
If this poem makes you feel thankful, just forward it to your friends. After all, it's just a simple reminder that we have so much to be thankful for!
Give the gift of love. It never comes back empty!
God has truly blessed me with an AWESOME FAMILY & FRIENDS and I Love You ALL!
I would like to share an experience with you all about
drinking and driving.
As you might well know, some of us have been known
to have had rare brushes with the authorities
on our way home from the odd
social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks
with some friends and had a few too many beers
and some shots.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit
I did something I've never done before????
I took a bus home.
Sure enough, I passed a DUI checkpoint,
but because it was a bus, they just waved it through.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before
and am not sure where I got it!
drinking and driving.
As you might well know, some of us have been known
to have had rare brushes with the authorities
on our way home from the odd
social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks
with some friends and had a few too many beers
and some shots.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit
I did something I've never done before????
I took a bus home.
Sure enough, I passed a DUI checkpoint,
but because it was a bus, they just waved it through.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before
and am not sure where I got it!
Last night on a plane back home from Dallas to Tyler , I was sitting with
a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot
of political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits alot of
different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of
what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll
with laughter, to the point of tears.
The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children
to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had
them sit around him.
He said "Today is Easter and you all loo k so handsome and beautiful.
Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what
the resurrection is?" One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor
said "Please tell us what the resurrection is". The boy, proud that he
knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting
more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!" It took a solid 10
minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter
going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice
won't be.
a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot
of political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits alot of
different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of
what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll
with laughter, to the point of tears.
The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children
to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had
them sit around him.
He said "Today is Easter and you all loo k so handsome and beautiful.
Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what
the resurrection is?" One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor
said "Please tell us what the resurrection is". The boy, proud that he
knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting
more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!" It took a solid 10
minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter
going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice
won't be.
Lawyer Joke
Lawyer Jokes :: #215
By Dede Molter from USA.
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer.
He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"
By Dede Molter from USA.
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer.
He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"
Monday, August 27, 2012
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.
"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Warning
WARNING FROM POLICE
This is the new thing these days with people out of work and needing cash. Beware, it's headed our way
Just last weekend on Friday night we parked in a public parking area. As we drove away I noticed a sticker on the rear window of the car. When I took it off after I got home, it was a receipt for gas.. Luckily my friend told me not to stop as it could be someone waiting for me to get out of the car.. Then we received this email yesterday:
WARNING FROM POLICE
THIS APPLIES TO BOTH WOMEN AND MEN
BEWARE OF PAPER ON THE BACK WINDOW OF YOUR VEHICLE--NEW WAY TO DO A CARJACKING (NOT A JOKE)
Heads up everyone! Please, keep this circulating.. You walk across the parking lot, unlock your car and get inside. You start the engine and shift into reverse..
When you look into the rearview mirror to back out of your parking space, you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift into Park, unlock your doors, and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view. When you reach the back of your car, that is when the carjackers appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off. They practically mow you down as they speed off in your car.
And guess what, ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car.
So now the carjacker has your car, your home address, your money, and your keys. Your home and your whole identity are now compromised.
If you see a piece of paper stuck to your back window, just drive away. Remove the paper later. And be thankful that you read this e-mail. I hope you will forward this to friends and family, especially to women. A purse contains all kinds of personal information and identification documents, and you certainly do NOT want it to fall into the wrong hands.
Please keep this going and tell all your friends
This is the new thing these days with people out of work and needing cash. Beware, it's headed our way
Just last weekend on Friday night we parked in a public parking area. As we drove away I noticed a sticker on the rear window of the car. When I took it off after I got home, it was a receipt for gas.. Luckily my friend told me not to stop as it could be someone waiting for me to get out of the car.. Then we received this email yesterday:
WARNING FROM POLICE
THIS APPLIES TO BOTH WOMEN AND MEN
BEWARE OF PAPER ON THE BACK WINDOW OF YOUR VEHICLE--NEW WAY TO DO A CARJACKING (NOT A JOKE)
Heads up everyone! Please, keep this circulating.. You walk across the parking lot, unlock your car and get inside. You start the engine and shift into reverse..
When you look into the rearview mirror to back out of your parking space, you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift into Park, unlock your doors, and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view. When you reach the back of your car, that is when the carjackers appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off. They practically mow you down as they speed off in your car.
And guess what, ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car.
So now the carjacker has your car, your home address, your money, and your keys. Your home and your whole identity are now compromised.
If you see a piece of paper stuck to your back window, just drive away. Remove the paper later. And be thankful that you read this e-mail. I hope you will forward this to friends and family, especially to women. A purse contains all kinds of personal information and identification documents, and you certainly do NOT want it to fall into the wrong hands.
Please keep this going and tell all your friends
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Worth A Look
PLEASE READ AND KEEP IT GOING! Thanks : )
Costco sells Goodyear wiper blades for almost half the price that you will pay on the outside and they are made in the U.S.A.
Read and do the following.
Unfortunately our politicians and top CEO's have pushed for trade to china and mexico for years so Americans are now out of work.Did you know that there is no electric coffee maker made in the US and that the only kitchen appliances made in the US is Viking? This information came from a report made byDiane Sawyer. Hopefully this has changed or will soon!!
I DIDN'T KNOW HALLMARK CARDS WERE MADE IN CHINA ! That is also why I don't buy cards at Hallmark anymore, They are made in China and are more expensive! I buy them at Dollar Tree - 50 cents each and made in USA
I have been looking at the blenders available on the Internet. Kitchen Aid is MADE IN the US.Top of my list already...
Yesterday I was in Wal Mart looking for a wastebasket. I found some made in China for $6.99. I didn't want to pay that much so I asked the lady if they had any others. She took me to another department and they had some at $2.50 made in USA . They are just as good. Same as a kitchen rug I needed. I had to look, but I found some made in the USA - what a concept! - and they were $3.00 cheaper.
We are being brainwashed to believe that everything that comes from China and Mexico is cheaper. Not so.
One Light Bulb at a Time..
I was in Lowe's the other day and just out of curiosity, I looked at the hose attachments. They were all made in China . The next day I was in Ace Hardware and just for the heck of it I checked the hose attachments there. They were made in USA .
Start looking, people . . ...In our current economic situation, every little thing we buy or do affects someone else - most often, their job.
My grandson likes Hershey's candy. I noticed, though, that it is now marked "made in Mexico ." I don't buy it anymore.
My favorite toothpaste Colgate is made in Mexico ...now I have switched to Crest.
You have to read the labels on everything.
This past weekend I was at Kroger . . . I needed 60W light bulbs and Bounce dryer sheets
I was in the light bulb aisle, and right next to the GE brand I normally buy -- was an off-brand labeled, "Everyday Value." I picked up both types of bulbs and compared them: they were the same except for the price . . .the GE bulbs cost more than the Everyday Value brand, but the thing that surprised me the most was that that GE was made in MEXICO and the Everyday Value brand was made in - you guessed it - the USA at a company in Cleveland, Ohio.
It's Way past time to start finding and buying products you use every day that are made right here.
So, on to the next aisle: Bounce Dryer Sheets... yep, you guessed it, Bounce cost more money and is made in Canada . The Everyday Value brand cost less, and
was MADE IN THE USA! I did laundry yesterday and the dryer sheets performed just like the Bounce Free I have been using for years, at almost half the price.
My challenge to you is to start reading the labels when you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that is made in the USA - the job you save may be your ownor your neighbor's!
If you accept the challenge, pass this on to others in your address book so we can all start buying American, one light bulb at a time!
Stop buying from overseas companies - you're sending the jobs there. (We should have awakened decades ago....)
Let's get with the program and help our fellow Americans keep their jobs and create more jobs here in theUSA.
Support the products that are " Made in the USA "
I passed this on .. .. . will you???
Costco sells Goodyear wiper blades for almost half the price that you will pay on the outside and they are made in the U.S.A.
Read and do the following.
Unfortunately our politicians and top CEO's have pushed for trade to china and mexico for years so Americans are now out of work.Did you know that there is no electric coffee maker made in the US and that the only kitchen appliances made in the US is Viking? This information came from a report made byDiane Sawyer. Hopefully this has changed or will soon!!
I DIDN'T KNOW HALLMARK CARDS WERE MADE IN CHINA ! That is also why I don't buy cards at Hallmark anymore, They are made in China and are more expensive! I buy them at Dollar Tree - 50 cents each and made in USA
I have been looking at the blenders available on the Internet. Kitchen Aid is MADE IN the US.Top of my list already...
Yesterday I was in Wal Mart looking for a wastebasket. I found some made in China for $6.99. I didn't want to pay that much so I asked the lady if they had any others. She took me to another department and they had some at $2.50 made in USA . They are just as good. Same as a kitchen rug I needed. I had to look, but I found some made in the USA - what a concept! - and they were $3.00 cheaper.
We are being brainwashed to believe that everything that comes from China and Mexico is cheaper. Not so.
One Light Bulb at a Time..
I was in Lowe's the other day and just out of curiosity, I looked at the hose attachments. They were all made in China . The next day I was in Ace Hardware and just for the heck of it I checked the hose attachments there. They were made in USA .
Start looking, people . . ...In our current economic situation, every little thing we buy or do affects someone else - most often, their job.
My grandson likes Hershey's candy. I noticed, though, that it is now marked "made in Mexico ." I don't buy it anymore.
My favorite toothpaste Colgate is made in Mexico ...now I have switched to Crest.
You have to read the labels on everything.
This past weekend I was at Kroger . . . I needed 60W light bulbs and Bounce dryer sheets
I was in the light bulb aisle, and right next to the GE brand I normally buy -- was an off-brand labeled, "Everyday Value." I picked up both types of bulbs and compared them: they were the same except for the price . . .the GE bulbs cost more than the Everyday Value brand, but the thing that surprised me the most was that that GE was made in MEXICO and the Everyday Value brand was made in - you guessed it - the USA at a company in Cleveland, Ohio.
It's Way past time to start finding and buying products you use every day that are made right here.
So, on to the next aisle: Bounce Dryer Sheets... yep, you guessed it, Bounce cost more money and is made in Canada . The Everyday Value brand cost less, and
was MADE IN THE USA! I did laundry yesterday and the dryer sheets performed just like the Bounce Free I have been using for years, at almost half the price.
My challenge to you is to start reading the labels when you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that is made in the USA - the job you save may be your ownor your neighbor's!
If you accept the challenge, pass this on to others in your address book so we can all start buying American, one light bulb at a time!
Stop buying from overseas companies - you're sending the jobs there. (We should have awakened decades ago....)
Let's get with the program and help our fellow Americans keep their jobs and create more jobs here in theUSA.
Support the products that are " Made in the USA "
I passed this on .. .. . will you???
Animal Joke
Animal Jokes :: #21245
By nick1279 from Greece
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
The Outhouse
THE OUTHOUSE
The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet-red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell- got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised,
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tyke
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"
The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet-red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell- got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised,
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tyke
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"
Wisdom
From The Mouth of Wisdom
A buddy quoted his mother in law as having said this...
So the Romneys are selfish for keeping a horse? And employing a groom with a family to support. And paying for feed that’s sold by someone with a family to support and transported in trucks by someone with a family to support and manufactured in a factory by people with families to support from stuff that’s grown by farmers with families to support. And having a barn built by construction workers with families to support with materials trucked by drivers with families to support from factories with workers with families to support. Sounds to me like that one horse has done more to put Americans to work than that horse’s ass in the White House.
A buddy quoted his mother in law as having said this...
So the Romneys are selfish for keeping a horse? And employing a groom with a family to support. And paying for feed that’s sold by someone with a family to support and transported in trucks by someone with a family to support and manufactured in a factory by people with families to support from stuff that’s grown by farmers with families to support. And having a barn built by construction workers with families to support with materials trucked by drivers with families to support from factories with workers with families to support. Sounds to me like that one horse has done more to put Americans to work than that horse’s ass in the White House.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Family Jokes :: #6466
By Anna from United States Minor Outlying Islands
Chris had just turned 16 had long hair, and look like Joe Dirt. He went to his dad and asked: "Dad it is my 16th birthday! I would like you to by me a car for my birthday.” So his dad replied, "Son, I will buy you any car that you want as long as you raise your grades AND cut your hair." Chris said ok. The next week, Chris brought home a report card he had raised all his grades from c's and d's to all a's. His father was very happy! Now Chris was so excited he told his dad what car he wanted a, convertible mustang (red). His dad said, "Chris you haven't cut your hair." Chris replied, "Well Jesus had long hair." His dad said, "yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went!"
A WOMAN AND HER EVER-NAGGING HUSBAND WENT ON VACATION IN JERUSALEM.
WHILE THEY WERE THERE, THE HUSBAND PASSED AWAY.
THE UNDERTAKER TOLD THE WIFE,
"YOU CAN HAVE HIM BURIED HERE IN THE HOLY LAND FOR $150
OR WE CAN HAVE HIM SHIPPED BACK STATESIDE FOR $5,000.
THE WIFE THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND TOLD THE
UNDERTAKER SHE WOULD HAVE HIM SHIPPED BACK HOME.
THE UNDERTAKER ASKED HER,
"WHY WOULD YOU SPEND $5,000 TO HAVE HIM SHIPPED
HOME WHEN YOU COULD HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BURIAL HERE,
AND IT WOULD ONLY COST $150????"
THE WIFE REPLIED,
"LONG AGO, A MAN DIED HERE, WAS BURIED HERE,
AND THREE DAYS LATER, HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD.
I JUST CAN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE!"
WHILE THEY WERE THERE, THE HUSBAND PASSED AWAY.
THE UNDERTAKER TOLD THE WIFE,
"YOU CAN HAVE HIM BURIED HERE IN THE HOLY LAND FOR $150
OR WE CAN HAVE HIM SHIPPED BACK STATESIDE FOR $5,000.
THE WIFE THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND TOLD THE
UNDERTAKER SHE WOULD HAVE HIM SHIPPED BACK HOME.
THE UNDERTAKER ASKED HER,
"WHY WOULD YOU SPEND $5,000 TO HAVE HIM SHIPPED
HOME WHEN YOU COULD HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BURIAL HERE,
AND IT WOULD ONLY COST $150????"
THE WIFE REPLIED,
"LONG AGO, A MAN DIED HERE, WAS BURIED HERE,
AND THREE DAYS LATER, HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD.
I JUST CAN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE!"
The Isrealis
TEL AVIV, Israel... The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!
BRILLIANT.
Golf
Four guys playing golf
During the 4th hole the following conversations took place:
First Guy :
You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend... I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.
Second Guy :
That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.
Third Guy :
Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him : 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy :
I just set my alarm for 5 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: 'Golf course or intercourse? ' She said: 'Wear sun-block."
During the 4th hole the following conversations took place:
First Guy :
You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend... I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.
Second Guy :
That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.
Third Guy :
Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him : 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy :
I just set my alarm for 5 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: 'Golf course or intercourse? ' She said: 'Wear sun-block."
Friday, August 24, 2012
Blown
LEWINSKY AND KACZYNSKI
The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'.
The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unibomber) in the same limerick.
The winning entries (below) were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, without bleeps or alterations.
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown
The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'.
The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unibomber) in the same limerick.
The winning entries (below) were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, without bleeps or alterations.
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown
I fish
I fish
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Texas
To: All my Yankee Friends either in Texas or somewhere else.
We haven't done it. Don't say that we will do it. But if we did, perfectly legal! Read and see how much we would be missed!
Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union. (Reference the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)
We Texans love y'all, but we'll probably have to take action if Barack Obama wins the election. We'll miss you too.
Here is what can happen:
1: Barack Hussein Obama is President of the United States, and Texas secedes from the Union in summer of 2013.
2: George W. Bush will become the President of the Republic of Texas. You might not think that he talks too pretty, but we haven't had another terrorist attack, and the economy was fine until the effects of the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came to roost.
So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas . We will control the space industry.
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States .
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we don't know. Why not ask Obama?
5. Natural Gas - again we have all we need, and it's too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will have to figure out a way to keep them warm....
6. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications equipment - small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell
Computer, EDS, Raytheo n, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Microconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Nortel, Alcatel, etc, etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health centers. The Houston Center alone employees over 65,000 people.
8. We have enough colleges to keep us getting smarter: University of Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Texas Christian, Rice, SMU, University of Dallas , University of Houston , Baylor, UNT (University of North Texas), Texas Women's University, Texas State , etc. Ivy grows better in the South anyway.
9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force, and it isn't restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in Texas, it's a Right to Work State and, therefore, it's every man and women for themselves. We just go out and get the job done. And if we don't like the way one company operates, we get a job somewhere else.
10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance industries, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard, the Texas Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.
13. Three of the ten largest cities in the United States, and twenty- three of the 100 largest cities in the United States , are located in Texas . And Texas also has more land than California, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Maryland, Rhode Island and Vermont combined.
14. Trade: Three of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in Texas .
15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You see, nothing rusts in Texas, so our vehicles stay beautiful and run well for decades.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 5 mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off satellite Communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr.
Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.
Signed,
The People of Texas
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you something to think about!
SLEEP WELL TONIGHT - THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU!!
We haven't done it. Don't say that we will do it. But if we did, perfectly legal! Read and see how much we would be missed!
Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union. (Reference the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)
We Texans love y'all, but we'll probably have to take action if Barack Obama wins the election. We'll miss you too.
Here is what can happen:
1: Barack Hussein Obama is President of the United States, and Texas secedes from the Union in summer of 2013.
2: George W. Bush will become the President of the Republic of Texas. You might not think that he talks too pretty, but we haven't had another terrorist attack, and the economy was fine until the effects of the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came to roost.
So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas . We will control the space industry.
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States .
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we don't know. Why not ask Obama?
5. Natural Gas - again we have all we need, and it's too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will have to figure out a way to keep them warm....
6. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications equipment - small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell
Computer, EDS, Raytheo n, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Microconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Nortel, Alcatel, etc, etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health centers. The Houston Center alone employees over 65,000 people.
8. We have enough colleges to keep us getting smarter: University of Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Texas Christian, Rice, SMU, University of Dallas , University of Houston , Baylor, UNT (University of North Texas), Texas Women's University, Texas State , etc. Ivy grows better in the South anyway.
9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force, and it isn't restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in Texas, it's a Right to Work State and, therefore, it's every man and women for themselves. We just go out and get the job done. And if we don't like the way one company operates, we get a job somewhere else.
10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance industries, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard, the Texas Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.
13. Three of the ten largest cities in the United States, and twenty- three of the 100 largest cities in the United States , are located in Texas . And Texas also has more land than California, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Maryland, Rhode Island and Vermont combined.
14. Trade: Three of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in Texas .
15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You see, nothing rusts in Texas, so our vehicles stay beautiful and run well for decades.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 5 mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off satellite Communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr.
Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.
Signed,
The People of Texas
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you something to think about!
SLEEP WELL TONIGHT - THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU!!
Doctors Jokes :: #17125
By Jim from USA.
While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?’ Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds." Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.
About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?” The man says "yes". "How close did you get before she answered?" "Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???"
police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.
“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped
Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
Forward this joke to your friends >>
Safety :: #27
By Dan Greenhill from Middlebury USA.
Rear seat seatbelt use can save your life as a driver!
Even if you're riding in the front seat and wearing your seatbelt you can avoid having rear seat passengers becoming projectiles by having them wear their seatbelts. A recent study revealed that wearing a seatbelt in the backseat of a car could dramatically reduce the risk of death and injury to front-seat occupants. In a review of over 100,000 automobile accidents, researchers concluded that the use of seatbelts in the backseats could have reduced fatal injuries to front-seat occupants by as much as 80%.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.
“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped
Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
Forward this joke to your friends >>
Safety :: #27
By Dan Greenhill from Middlebury USA.
Rear seat seatbelt use can save your life as a driver!
Even if you're riding in the front seat and wearing your seatbelt you can avoid having rear seat passengers becoming projectiles by having them wear their seatbelts. A recent study revealed that wearing a seatbelt in the backseat of a car could dramatically reduce the risk of death and injury to front-seat occupants. In a review of over 100,000 automobile accidents, researchers concluded that the use of seatbelts in the backseats could have reduced fatal injuries to front-seat occupants by as much as 80%.
One Liners Jokes :: #3593
By douglas mattushek from duban KZN South Africa
Q. What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
Forward this joke to your friends >>
One-Liners :: #117
By janette barbara from dallas , north carolina USA.
How old are you ?
I am still young enough to play the game, but old enough to know the score!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Jesus Knows You're Here"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark
said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off,
and froze.
When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out,
he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room,
his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed,
then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus..'
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark
said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off,
and froze.
When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out,
he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room,
his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed,
then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus..'
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Golf Jokes :: #10167
By r2d2 from USA.
One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."
Monday, August 20, 2012
Trade in iPhone 4S
No fear, iPhone 4S users, you won’t have to go without your precious phones for long. Electronics buy-back site Gazelle has extended the amount of time consumers have to send in their gadgets after locking in a quote, according to CNET.
Rumors are thick about a new iPhone launch happening in September. Go to almost any technology blog (including ours) and you’ll find new specs, conceptual drawings, and other evidence that a new Apple smartphone is coming soon. As with every iPhone launch, Gazelle is happy to take your old phones off your hands in exchange for cash, though usually you have to send the phone in within 30 days. To encourage people to start selling back their iPhones now, Gazelle promises to honor any quotes made between August 20 and August 31, and will let consumers keep their phones until October 1, after the rumored launch date of the new iPhone.
Rumors aside, there is some concrete evidence that an iPhone — dare we say 5 — launch is upon us. Sprint, one of the carriers that sells the smartphone, cut its iPhone 4S pricing earlier this month from $200 to $150. It is also offering free activation if you order online. Apple is also said to be discounting the iPhone 4S to the same price as Sprint. However, it will only do this if asked — online, the price for the phone remains $200.
According to CNET, Gazelle believes its iPhone 4S’ could get as low as $100 the closer to the iPhone launch we get.
These rumors certainly helped propel Apple’s stock, which faltered slightly when the company only met earnings expectations last quarter. Last week, Apple’s share price hit an all time high of $648.02.
via CNET
Share on email
Rumors are thick about a new iPhone launch happening in September. Go to almost any technology blog (including ours) and you’ll find new specs, conceptual drawings, and other evidence that a new Apple smartphone is coming soon. As with every iPhone launch, Gazelle is happy to take your old phones off your hands in exchange for cash, though usually you have to send the phone in within 30 days. To encourage people to start selling back their iPhones now, Gazelle promises to honor any quotes made between August 20 and August 31, and will let consumers keep their phones until October 1, after the rumored launch date of the new iPhone.
Rumors aside, there is some concrete evidence that an iPhone — dare we say 5 — launch is upon us. Sprint, one of the carriers that sells the smartphone, cut its iPhone 4S pricing earlier this month from $200 to $150. It is also offering free activation if you order online. Apple is also said to be discounting the iPhone 4S to the same price as Sprint. However, it will only do this if asked — online, the price for the phone remains $200.
According to CNET, Gazelle believes its iPhone 4S’ could get as low as $100 the closer to the iPhone launch we get.
These rumors certainly helped propel Apple’s stock, which faltered slightly when the company only met earnings expectations last quarter. Last week, Apple’s share price hit an all time high of $648.02.
via CNET
Share on email
Educational Jokes :: #346
By Rafael Ortiz from Unknown
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Elderly Jokes :: #6085
By Richard H. Chamberlin from Rancho Cucamonga Ca. 91730 USA.
Three old timers chatting at restaurant! They sat down at a table while waiting to be served. One of them said; Hay Jake! Isn’t this your 50th anniversary? Jake replies! Yep. Well, the old timer asked, what are you planning on doing? Jake replies, well! I remember taking my wife to Arizona on our 25th anniversary. The other old timer asked, Oh ya, so what are your plans for your 50th anniversary? Jake replies, I’m going back to pick her up!!!!!!!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Lawyer Jokes :: #7562
By Greg DWYER from Aurukun Queensland Australia
A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book. Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue. Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the queue and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention.
St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned.
"You are a lawyer aren't you?'
"Yes" the lawyer replies. "Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?"
"Oh, no, "Said St Peter. "It's just you are the first one to ever get here."
Friday, August 17, 2012
Marriage Jokes :: #838
By Jennifer Lazzio from Unknown
Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
By Jennifer Lazzio from Unknown
Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break...
"I know how to get money real quick" says one,” how?"
"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"
So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and
his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.
He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth” he said.
"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.
Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth,” he shouted out.
The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then"
"I know how to get money real quick" says one,” how?"
"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"
So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and
his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.
He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth” he said.
"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.
Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth,” he shouted out.
The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then"
Ranking: 3.57 / 644
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"
#260
Thanks to: Mark O.
rec.:Feb/22/1999 pub.:Feb/22/1999 sent:Dec/13/2010
Ranking: 3.28 / 537
A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"
Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/clasificacion.asp?ID=56#ixzz23lbQt8M7
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"
#260
Thanks to: Mark O.
rec.:Feb/22/1999 pub.:Feb/22/1999 sent:Dec/13/2010
Ranking: 3.28 / 537
A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"
Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/clasificacion.asp?ID=56#ixzz23lbQt8M7
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Quickies
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
~~~~~
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
~~~~~
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Older Men's Scam
Older Men Scam
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works;Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their unmentionables almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th,20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works;Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their unmentionables almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th,20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
America
We rarely get a chance to see another country's editorial about the USA.
Read this excerpt from a Romanian Newspaper. The article was written by Mr. Cornel Nistorescu and published under the title 'C'ntarea Americii, meaning 'Ode To America ' in the Romanian newspaper Evenimentulzilei 'The Daily Event' or 'News of the Day'.
~An Ode to America ~
Why are Americans so united? They would not resemble one another even if you painted them all one color! They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations and religious beliefs.
On 9/11, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart. Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the Army, or the Secret Service that they are only a bunch of losers. Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts. Nobody rushed out onto the streets nearby to gape about.
Instead the Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand.
After the first moments of panic, they raised their flag over the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag. They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car a government official or the president was passing.
On every occasion, they started singing: 'God Bless America!'
I watched the live broadcast and rerun after rerun for hours listening to the story of the guy who went down one hundred floors with a woman in a wheelchair without knowing who she was, or of the Californian hockey player, who gave his life fighting with the terrorists and prevented the plane from hitting a target that could have killed other hundreds or thousands of people.
How on earth were they able to respond united as one human being? Imperceptibly, with every word and musical note, the memory of some turned into a modern myth of tragic heroes. And with every phone call, millions and millions of dollars were put into collection aimed at rewarding not a man or a family, but a spirit, which no money can buy. What on earth unites the Americans in such a way? Their land? Their history? Their economic Power? Money? I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases with the risk of sounding commonplace, I thought things over, I reached but only one conclusion...Only freedom can work such miracles.
Cornel Nistorescu
This deserves to be passed around the Internet forever. It took a person on the outside - looking in - to see what we take for granted!
GOD BLESS AMERICA ! ! !
Read this excerpt from a Romanian Newspaper. The article was written by Mr. Cornel Nistorescu and published under the title 'C'ntarea Americii, meaning 'Ode To America ' in the Romanian newspaper Evenimentulzilei 'The Daily Event' or 'News of the Day'.
~An Ode to America ~
Why are Americans so united? They would not resemble one another even if you painted them all one color! They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations and religious beliefs.
On 9/11, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart. Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the Army, or the Secret Service that they are only a bunch of losers. Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts. Nobody rushed out onto the streets nearby to gape about.
Instead the Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand.
After the first moments of panic, they raised their flag over the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag. They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car a government official or the president was passing.
On every occasion, they started singing: 'God Bless America!'
I watched the live broadcast and rerun after rerun for hours listening to the story of the guy who went down one hundred floors with a woman in a wheelchair without knowing who she was, or of the Californian hockey player, who gave his life fighting with the terrorists and prevented the plane from hitting a target that could have killed other hundreds or thousands of people.
How on earth were they able to respond united as one human being? Imperceptibly, with every word and musical note, the memory of some turned into a modern myth of tragic heroes. And with every phone call, millions and millions of dollars were put into collection aimed at rewarding not a man or a family, but a spirit, which no money can buy. What on earth unites the Americans in such a way? Their land? Their history? Their economic Power? Money? I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases with the risk of sounding commonplace, I thought things over, I reached but only one conclusion...Only freedom can work such miracles.
Cornel Nistorescu
This deserves to be passed around the Internet forever. It took a person on the outside - looking in - to see what we take for granted!
GOD BLESS AMERICA ! ! !
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
The Nursing Home Crowd
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a
bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa
walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out,
'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess that,
you silly old fools.'
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your
pants and undershorts & we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do
it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn
around a couple of times & then jump
up & down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all piped up & said,
'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around
his ankles, the old gent asked,
'How in the world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees & grinning from
ear to ear, the three old ladies happily
yelled in unison - -
-
'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'
Monday, August 13, 2012
Doctor Joke
Doctors Jokes :: #13347
By Anonymous from USA.
Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?” The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”
The Fridge
The wife left a note on the fridge "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........What the hell is she talking about?
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........What the hell is she talking about?
Sunday, August 12, 2012
A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/clasificacion.asp?ID=78#ixzz23NoqqzcT
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/clasificacion.asp?ID=78#ixzz23NoqqzcT
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Animal Jokes :: #161
By Tina Cook from USA.
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
Entertainment Jokes :: #5424
By Anonymous from USA.
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
Quotes Jokes :: #328
By Peggy Wallace from Unknown
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
Forward this joke to your friends >>
Words of Knowledge :: #162
By Heather Davis from Phoenix USA.
Inner Joy
I realized today,
I have been thinking,
that certain people,
certain places,
and certain kinds of activities create my joy.
I had failed to see myself as the only constant in the equation.
My joy comes from ME,
and it is with me always.
Beth Johnson
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Animal Jokes :: #3101
By Viki from Kent United Kingdom
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
ROBOT FOR SALE
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what
he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother!
End of Story
P.S. Robot For Sale
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what
he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother!
End of Story
P.S. Robot For Sale
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Idiots Jokes :: #4548
By ROBERT BOXALL from United Kingdom
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
Monday, August 6, 2012
Gender Slam :: #17279
By Raji Reddy from Hyderabad Andhra Pradesh India
Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
Paul Smith
Just A Typewriter
He lived at Rose Haven Nursing Home ( Roseburg , OR ) for years. Paul Smith, the man with extraordinary talent was born on September 21, 1921, with severe cerebral palsy. Not only had Paul beaten the odds of a life with spastic cerebral palsy, a disability that impeded his speech and mobility but also taught himself to become a master artist as well as a terrific chess player even after being devoid of a formal education as a child.
"When typing, Paul used his left hand to steady his right one. Since he couldn't press two keys at the same time, he almost always locked the shift key down and made his pictures using the symbols at the top of the number keys. In other words, his pictures were based on these characters ..... @ # $ % ^ & * ( )_ . Across seven decades, Paul created hundreds of pictures. He often gave the originals away. Sometimes, but not always, he kept or received a copy for his own records. As his mastery of the typewriter grew, he developed techniques to create shadings, colors, and textures that made his work resemble pencil or charcoal drawings."
This great man passed away on June 25, 2009, but left behind a collection of his amazing artwork that will be an inspiration for many.
You know that saying about "When life closes a door, God opens a window"? Well, I think God just helped this man build a whole new house.
Please share this
Typewriter Art
Can you believe that this art was created using a typewriter?
He lived at Rose Haven Nursing Home ( Roseburg , OR ) for years. Paul Smith, the man with extraordinary talent was born on September 21, 1921, with severe cerebral palsy. Not only had Paul beaten the odds of a life with spastic cerebral palsy, a disability that impeded his speech and mobility but also taught himself to become a master artist as well as a terrific chess player even after being devoid of a formal education as a child.
"When typing, Paul used his left hand to steady his right one. Since he couldn't press two keys at the same time, he almost always locked the shift key down and made his pictures using the symbols at the top of the number keys. In other words, his pictures were based on these characters ..... @ # $ % ^ & * ( )_ . Across seven decades, Paul created hundreds of pictures. He often gave the originals away. Sometimes, but not always, he kept or received a copy for his own records. As his mastery of the typewriter grew, he developed techniques to create shadings, colors, and textures that made his work resemble pencil or charcoal drawings."
This great man passed away on June 25, 2009, but left behind a collection of his amazing artwork that will be an inspiration for many.
You know that saying about "When life closes a door, God opens a window"? Well, I think God just helped this man build a whole new house.
Please share this
Typewriter Art
Can you believe that this art was created using a typewriter?
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Puns
Puns :: #6092
By Anonymous from USA.
- EVER WONDER
-
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Men!
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
A pirate walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?� said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"Yeah, but it was my first day with the hook"
The bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?� said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"Yeah, but it was my first day with the hook"
Teacher Joke
Teachers Jokes :: #729
By Emilio Candia from Santiago R. M. Chile
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Lawyer Jokes :: #92
By Emilio Candia from Santiago R. M. Chile
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Friday, August 3, 2012
Alligators and Politicians
Subject: Alligators & Politician
Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller alligator turned to the bigger one & said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big gator, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small gator. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol' 'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?' 'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s%$^ out of them and eat 'em! ' 'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an a%$hole and a briefcase.
Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller alligator turned to the bigger one & said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big gator, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small gator. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol' 'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?' 'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s%$^ out of them and eat 'em! ' 'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an a%$hole and a briefcase.
Joke of the Day
Question / Answer Jokes :: #16062
By Mudit from Gorakhpur Uttar Pradesh India
There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
Thursday, August 2, 2012
New Job
After landing my new job as a ‘meet and greeter’ at Jacks Paint and Hardware - a lovely position for a guy like me, and I would say for older folk who have taken their foot off the gas...so to speak...I lasted less than a day. About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Entertainment Jokes :: #8991
By Shelly from Cyprus
By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."
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