Dick and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Somerset, Kentucky.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dick said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dick wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dick says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dick says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Tennessee'

Sven and Ole





Two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking
> up.
> A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
> "Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, " said Sven, "but ve
> don't haff a ladder."
> The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and
> laid
> the pole down on the ground.
> Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement,
> announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
> Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer
> da
> height and she gives us da length!"
> Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently
> serving in the United States Senate.

55th High School Reunion






He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having



55th High School Reunion






He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.



This 55th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high... the widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiled coyly back at him.



Finally, the widower picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"



After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes, I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning, he was troubled. Did she say Yes?... or did she say No?

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him, he could not recall her response.



With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then asked her his question. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes?... or did you say No?

"Why you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will!' And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called... because I couldn't remember who asked me! Who did you say you were?"

PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a camp-fire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its b--t.'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Kid Jokes :: #428
By Laura Buhler from St. George UT USA.

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

Teachers Jokes :: #22268
By Kassquiezo from Namibia

The teacher asked little Peter; "If I have 5 mangoes in one hand and five mangoes in the other, what do I have?”

" Big Hands, " said Peter.

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'


'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When
your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy
from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which
one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not
too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these expensive
tests once and once only.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
with him.'