A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"

The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

WELCOME TO TPA ...
(Terrorist-Proof Airlines)
TPA is in the safe-flying business!


We can absolutely guarantee no walk-on
GUNS, KNIVES, SHOE-BOMBS, SUICIDE-BELTS


or other weapons will EVER be carried onto our flights!
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The SAFEST airline in the flying industry!

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence. Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green." The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall. The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors." From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly." Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,

"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A man is being interviewed for a job. “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?” “The slightest noise wakes me up.

Keep a bag of flour in your Fridge


Why did we never hear of this before? I've always just run it under the cold water tap. A woman's experience with burns:

Some time ago I was cooking some corn and stuck my fork in the boiling water to see if the corn was ready. I missed and my hand went into the boiling water. A friend of mine, who was a Vietnam vet, came into the house, just as I was screaming, and asked me if I had some plain old flour. I pulled out a bag and he stuck my hand in it. He told me to keep my hand in the flour for 10 minutes which I did. He said that in Vietnam, there was a guy on fire and in their panic, they threw a bag of flour all over him to put the fire out. Well, it not only put the fire out, but he never even had a blister!

Long story short, I put my hand in the bag of flour for 10 minutes, pulled it out and did not even have a red mark or a blister and absolutely NO PAIN. Now, I keep a bag of flour in the fridge and every time I burn myself. Cold flour feels even better than room temperature flour.

I use the flour and have never ONCE had I ever had even a red spot/burn mark, or a blister! I even burnt my tongue once, put the flour on it for about 10 minutes. The pain was gone and no burn.

Try it. Keep a bag of flour in your fridge and you will be happy you did!
BTW, don't run your burn area under cold water first, just put it directly into the flour for 10 minutes.

It happened at a New York Airport . This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F.. You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.