A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

Somewhere in Iowa an elderly couple named Ethel and Fred are engaged in foreplay...as Fred reaches under the covers he grabs Ethel by her tits and says, "Ethel if these could produce milk, we could get rid of that damn cow". Ethel thinks nothing of Fred's remark. Fred then reaches further down into the cover and grabs Ethel by her snatch. Fred then replies "Ethel if this here could catch mice we could get rid of that damn cat” at this remark Ethel rips the covers off the bed grabs Fred by his dick and says "Fred if this was a little bigger we could get rid of your damn brother."

A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!

Oops

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Beast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma but I'm glad I came."

You know. . . Time has a way of moving quickly

And catching you unaware of the passing years.

It seems just yesterday that I was young,

Just married and embarking on my new life with my mate.

And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago,

And I wonder where all the years went.

I know that I lived them all...

And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams...

But, here it is... The winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...



How did I get here so fast?

Where did the years go and where did my youth go?

I remember well...

Seeing older people through the years and thinking that those

Older people were years away from me and that my winter was so far off

That I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...

But, here it is...

My friends are retired and getting grey...

They move slower and I see an older person now.

Some are in better and some worse shape than me...

But, I see the great change...

Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...

But, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those

Older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared

for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability

To go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!

But, at least I know, that though the winter has come,

And I'm not sure how long it will last...

This I do know, that when it's over... Its over...



Yes, I have regrets.

There are things I wish I hadn't done...

Things I should have done, but didn't,

Yet, here are many things I'm happy I did do.

It's all in a lifetime...

So, if you're not in your winter yet...

Let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think.

Whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, please do it!

Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today ,

As you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!

You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...

So, live for today and say all the things you want your loved ones to remember...

And hope they appreciate and love you for all the things

You have done for them in all the years past!!



Life is a gift to you.

The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.

Make it a fantastic one.



--And, Remember--

"It is health that is real wealth And not pieces of gold or silver."

*May You always have Love to Share, Health to Spare and Friends that Care!



We aren't taking about things that cost money,

kind words, good deeds, showing and sharing your

love and feelings for others, be kind and considerate

to all those you love and care about. Let them know it!

Remember those little things that meant so much years

ago, they can mean the same again, take her/him on a twirl

around the kitchen, a gentle squeeze, a passionate kiss.

Show you care no matter the age.

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow."