Tuesday, May 8, 2012
A Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!
Gotta love this Judge!
You must read this......
A proper decision by the courts...
for a change.
A FLORIDA COURT SETS
ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying,
"Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.
The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore,
April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned..."
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
The Tiny Cabin
THE TINY CABIN
A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to Mountains of West Virginia and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" she asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"
A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to Mountains of West Virginia and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" she asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"
The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short & sweet, a good one.
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted cashier, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great.....some asshole's got my pen!'
Coffee Hurts
COFFEE HURTS
I was eating lunch on the 2nd of February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?” She said “It’s President’s Day!” She is a smart kid. So, I asked “What does President’s Day mean?” I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc. She replied, “President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.” You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose…
“IN GOD WE TRUST”
I was eating lunch on the 2nd of February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?” She said “It’s President’s Day!” She is a smart kid. So, I asked “What does President’s Day mean?” I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc. She replied, “President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.” You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose…
“IN GOD WE TRUST”
Monday, May 7, 2012
Democrat, Republican or a Redneck?
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
#You’re walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and
two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family. What
do
you do?
……………………………………………………..
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat’s
Answer :
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does
the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife
think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about
this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message
does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be
happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold
on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that
would
discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to
debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a
consensus.
……………………………………………………….
Republican’s
Answer:
BANG!
.
Redneck’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
the
Winchester
Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! ‘
Son: ‘Can I shoot the next
one?!’
Wife: ‘You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
#You’re walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and
two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family. What
do
you do?
……………………………………………………..
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat’s
Answer :
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does
the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife
think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about
this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message
does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be
happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold
on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that
would
discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to
debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a
consensus.
……………………………………………………….
Republican’s
Answer:
BANG!
.
Redneck’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
the
Winchester
Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! ‘
Son: ‘Can I shoot the next
one?!’
Wife: ‘You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist
Shirley and Marcy
Shirley & Marcy
A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son, Timmy, walking to school.
He didn’t want his mother to walk with him.
She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her.
The neighbor said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew.
She did this for the whole week.
As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally she said to Timmy,
‘Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?’
Timmy nonchalantly replied, ‘Yeah, I know who she is.’
The little girl said, ‘Well, who is she?’
‘That’s just Shirley Goodnest ,’ Timmy replied, ‘and her daughter Marcy ….’
‘Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?
‘Well,’ Timmy explained, ‘every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the Psalm, it says, ‘Shirley Goodnest (surely goodness) and Marcy (mercy) shall follow me all the days of my life’, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!’
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always
I know you smiled!
I sure did, Pass this on
And brighten someone’s day!
A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son, Timmy, walking to school.
He didn’t want his mother to walk with him.
She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her.
The neighbor said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew.
She did this for the whole week.
As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally she said to Timmy,
‘Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?’
Timmy nonchalantly replied, ‘Yeah, I know who she is.’
The little girl said, ‘Well, who is she?’
‘That’s just Shirley Goodnest ,’ Timmy replied, ‘and her daughter Marcy ….’
‘Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?
‘Well,’ Timmy explained, ‘every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the Psalm, it says, ‘Shirley Goodnest (surely goodness) and Marcy (mercy) shall follow me all the days of my life’, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!’
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always
I know you smiled!
I sure did, Pass this on
And brighten someone’s day!
Sumbitch
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. . .
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in
force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a
burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains
of anyone.
They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had
happened and hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this
terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's
engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the
United States ?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered.
"I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he
wasn't...
But you know how bad that sumbitch lies...
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