Love is blind and marriage is an eye opener.

Once upon a time when our politicians did not tend to apologize for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our great country.

These are good

JFK'S
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.
DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of
France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded,
"Does that include those who are buried here?"

DeGaulle did not respond.
You could have heard a pin drop.

When in England , at a fairly large conference,
Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury
if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
'empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying,
"Over the years, the United States has sent many of
its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for
freedom beyond our borders.
The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return
is enough to bury those that did not return."
You
could have heard a pin drop........Amen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France
where a number of international engineers were taking part,
including French and American.
During a break, one of the French engineers came back into
the room saying,
"Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done?
He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia
to help the tsunami victims.
What does he intend to do,
bomb them?"

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:
"Our carriers have three hospitals on board
that can treat several hundred people;
they are nuclear powered and can supply
emergency electrical power to shore facilities;
they have three cafeterias with
the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,
they can produce several thousand gallons of
fresh water from sea water each day,
and they carry half a dozen helicopters for
use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.
We have eleven such ships;
how many does France have?"
You
could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral
was attending a naval conference
that included Admirals from the
U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with
a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks,
but a French admiral suddenly complained that,
whereas Europeans learn many languages,
Americans learn only English.
He then asked,
"Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences
rather than speaking French?"


Without hesitating,
the American Admiral replied,
"Maybe it's because the
Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans
arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak
German."
You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND
THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting,
an elderly gentleman of 83,
arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs,
he took a few minutes to locate his passport in
his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?"
the customs officer asked
sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting
admitted that he had been to France
previously.

"Then you should know enough
to have your passport ready."

The American said,
"The last time I was here,
I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible..
Americans always have to show their passports on
arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then, he quietly explained,
''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on
D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country,
I couldn't find a single Frenchman
to show a passport to."

You
could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If
you are proud to be an American, pass this on!
If not, delete it.


I am proud to be of this land -- AMERICA
I am proud to be an American.
GOD BLESS AMERICA
TODAY
TOMORROW
AND FOREVER
LONG MY OUR FLAG WAVE
'OR THE LAND OF THE FREE
AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE

you gotta luv the irish!!
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

Q: What did the Doe say when she came out behind the brush??

A: That's the last time I do that for two Bucks!!

Funny

http://www.youtube.com/embed/0AKvRvL5r3A?rel=0

This just In:

Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black" (the non-racist version of "Snow White") has been put on hold.

All of the 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and MoFo, have refused to sing "Hi Hoe".

They also say they have no intention of "Going off to work”.

For those of us who might have forgotten, here's a refresher course in marketing terminology. People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends go up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party. You straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

* You are at a party and this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's former President Bill Clinton. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement. That's America!

Imagine you are a news photographer in the Middle East when a terrible flood strikes.

You set out in a boat with your camera to find a prize-winning picture, when you see Osama Bin Laden hanging from the branch of a tree.

"Help me", he calls. "I can't hold on any longer".

There is room in your boat, and if you don't help him he will drown.

You have a dilemma, and this is the question you have to answer:

What lens do you use?

How good is your sense of humor!!

Reasons For Sensitivity Training for Men


1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!


2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers. So I did.
She's 25, and her name's Beverley.


3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 20 and I'm 42.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd
better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with
me because she can't afford batteries.


6. A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead". The operator says,
"How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the
ironing is piling up!"


7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been
listening."


8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.


9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose
only reaches the driveway.

DID YOU KNOW?
What IS The Main Ingredient of WD-40?
Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40?
No Cheating.....

WD-40 ~ Who knew!

I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup.
I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason).
I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news.
He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do....
probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open.
Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off.
It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I was impressed!

WD-40 who knew?
"Water Displacement #40".
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts.
WD-40 was created in 1953, by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company.
Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'Water Displacement' Compound.
They were finally successful for a formulation, with their fortieth attempt, thus WD-40.
The 'Convair Company' bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.
Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the 'shower door' part, try it.
It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door.
If yours is plastic, it works just as well as on glass.
It's a miracle!
Then try it on your stovetop.
It's now shinier than it's ever been.
You'll be amazed.


WD-40 Uses:
1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floor that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps the flies off of Cows, Horses, and other Farm Critters, as well. (Ya gotta love this one!!!)
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic / terracotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on both home and vehicles doors.
18. It removes that nasty tar and scuff marks from the kitchen flooring.
It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Remove those nasty Bug guts that will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21. Lubricates gearshift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers...
22. Rids kids rocking chair and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes grease splatters from stove tops.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
38. The favorite use in the state of New York, it protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose.
Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. It is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray it on the marks and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you spray it inside a wet distributor cap, it will displace the moisture, allowing the engine to start.

P.S.
As for that Basic, Main Ingredient.......
Well.... it's FISH OIL....
Who would have guessed ? ? ?

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?

Old Mr. Periwinkle was the nastiest, meanest patient in the hospital. So one day, Betty, the head nurse, decided to try and cheer him up. She brings him a beautiful bouquet of flowers and sets them down on his bedside table. Mean old Mr. Periwinkle promptly picks them up, throws them up against the wall, breaks the vase and flowers go everywhere. Betty patiently cleans up the mess and leaves the room. Later in the day, Betty comes back in and says to Mr. Periwinkle, "It's time to take your temperature, Mr. Periwinkle." He grumpily opens his mouth but Betty says, "No, not this time Mr. Periwinkle. We have to check it in the other end this time." Grumbling, Mr. Periwinkle turns over and sticks his rear end up in the air. Betty sticks it in and leaves the room. A while later, Dr. Brown is walking past Mr. Periwinkles room and looks in. He does a double take and walks in his room. "Mr. Periwinkle, what are you doing?" he says. "Oh that old nurse is taking my temperature." he replies. To which Dr. Brown says, "With a daisy?"

My favorite salesman story of ALL time

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.





The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."





Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.





"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."





His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.





"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.





That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"





The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".





The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"





The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."





The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

Q.Why are women similar to a tropical hurricane ?

A.When they arrive they're wet and warm, when they leave they take your house and car.

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Don't make me come splain this to you!

Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman is having trouble growing tomatoes... seems she can't get them to turn red!

She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door

has a garden full of big red tomatoes.

She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand

naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red."

This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next

few days standing nude in her garden.

A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks...

"Have your tomatoes turned red?"

"Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened...

the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end."

Costume winner

AND THEN IT IS WINTER You know -- time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of
all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is -- the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise. How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is my friends are retired and getting grey. They move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me but, I see the great change. Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant, but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore -- it's mandatory! -- cause if I don't it on my own free will -- I will just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done, but never did!! But, at least I know, that though the Winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last, this I know, that when it's over on this earth, it's over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done -- things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

So, if you're not in your Winter yet, let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, what ever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your Winter or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life. So, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one. LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY! DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY ! HAVE A GREAT DAY

Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver."

LIVE HAPPY IN 2013!

LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE
YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.
~Your kids are becoming you --but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good -- Coming home is better!
~You forget names, but it's okay because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything -- especially golf.
~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep."
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
~You tend to use more 4 letter words -- "what?" "when?"
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~You notice everything they sell in stores is
"sleeveless"!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet -- 2 of which you will never wear again.


~But "Old" is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
~Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!"

First Time Sex

It is clean and funny.


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks: 'does your dog bite?' the old man replies 'No never'. When the man bends down to stroke the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says 'I thought you said your dog did not bite! 'I did' replies the old man, but this isn't my dog!'

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level.
The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;
I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
I ran away from a pissed off mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers and a tall glass of bourbon"

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really shitty golfer".

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game. Sitting in the
first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them, one of the
Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the president.
Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent,
and shakes his head.
The agent then says “Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner
who is a big campaign contributor … and the fans will love it!”
So, Barack shrugs and says “well, if it will help my poll numbers”.
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and
drops her right over the wall into the field.
She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing.
The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.
Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says “You
were right, I would have never believed that!”
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.
The agent replies “Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first
PITCH!

Pervert calling
The telephone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair."
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'' The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''
''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.''
''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.''
''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''
''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00 He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.

Mayo Clinic
How many folks do you know who say they don't want to drink anything before going to bed because they'll have to get up during the night!!
Heart Attack and Water - Very Interesting.......
Something else I didn't know ... A friend of mine asked my Doctor why people need to urinate so much at night time. Answer from my Cardiac Doctor - Gravity holds water in the lower part of your body when you are upright (legs swell). When you lie down and the lower body (legs and etc) seeks level with the kidneys, it is then that the kidneys remove the water because it is easier. We need our minimum water to help flush the toxins out of your body.
Correct time to drink water... Very Important. From A Cardiac Specialist!
Drinking water at a certain time maximizes its effectiveness on the body: 2 glasses of water after waking up - helps activate internal organs
1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal - helps digestion
1 glass of water before taking a bath - helps lower blood pressure
1 glass of water before going to bed - avoids stroke or heart attack
Physician said water at bed time will also help prevent night time leg cramps. Your leg muscles are seeking hydration when they cramp and wake you up with a Charlie Horse.
Mayo Clinic Aspirin Dr. Virend Somers, is a Cardiologist from the Mayo Clinic, who is lead author of the report in the July 29, 2008 issue of the Journal of the American College of Cardiology.
Most heart attacks occur in the day, generally between 6 A.M. and noon. Having one during the night, when the heart should be most at rest, means that something unusual happened. Somers and his colleagues have been working for a decade to show that sleep apnea is to blame.
1. If you take an aspirin or a baby aspirin once a day, take it at night. The reason: Aspirin has a 24-hour "half-life"; therefore, if most heart attacks happen in the wee hours of the morning, the Aspirin would be strongest in your system.
2. Aspirin lasts a really long time in your medicine chest for years, (when it gets old, it smells like vinegar).
FYI - Bayer is making crystal aspirin to dissolve instantly on the tongue. They work much faster than the tablets. Why keep Aspirin by your bedside? It's about Heart Attacks -There are other symptoms of a heart attack, besides the pain on the left arm. One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating; however, these symptoms may also occur less frequently.There may be NO pain in the chest during a heart attack. The majority of people (about 60%) who had a heart attack during their sleep did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep. If that happens, immediately dissolve two aspirins in your mouth and swallow them with a bit of water. Afterwards: - Call 911. - Phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by.- Say "heart attack!" - Say that you have taken 2 Aspirins. - Take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door, and wait for their arrival and ....DO NOT LIE DOWN!
A Cardiologist has stated that if each person after receiving this e-mail, sends it to 10 people, probably one life could be saved! I have already shared this information. What about you? Do forward this message. It may save lives! "Life is a one time gift"

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"





For all of us who have made disparaging remarks about President Obama, the following is germane:

I'm sure most of us have read the so-called comparison of Lincoln & Kennedy, but did you ever consider the relationship between Obama & Lincoln? You might be surprised...

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln & Barack Hussein Obama:

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was in the United States military. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln believed in everyone carrying their own weight. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayers' money on personal enjoyments. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

11. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

12. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

13. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

14. Lincoln saved the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer .

Amazing, isn't it?














An Irish priest was transferred to Texas !.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in
his new west Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's
Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye
be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the
foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father,
replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

DEATH OF THE OLD COW

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop.
Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy.

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy.

"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

I got 18

BABY BOOMER GAME!

MEMORY TEST!
(Have a paper and pencil handy to record your answers.)

This is NOT a pushover test. It's a Baby Boomer era test!

There are 20 questions and the average score is 12. This one will be difficult for the younger set.

Have fun, and no peeking!

When you forward this to your friends & family put your score in the subject line and let them know your score.


Good luck youngsters!


1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil


2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay


3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...
A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really me and you
F. We quit
G. He surrendered


4. Good night, David ...
A. Good night, Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night, Irene
D. Good night, Gracie
E. See you later, alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night, Steve


5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...
A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent


6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s friend...
A. Stuart Whitman
B Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo


7. Liar, liar...
A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights never ending battle for truth, justice and...
A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV rating
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines


9. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scooby Doo Time


10. Lions and tigers and bears...
A. Yikes
B. Oh, no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh my
F. Help! Help!
G. Let's run


11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...
A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu


12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings...
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Staubach
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream...
A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya


14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the window sill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill


15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...
A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carrey
G. Jay Leno


16. Name the Beatles ...
A. John , Steve , George , Ringo
B. John , Paul , George , Roscoe
C. John , Paul , Stacey , Ringo
D. Jay , Paul , George , Ringo
E. Lewis , Peter , George , Ringo
F. Jason , Betty , Skipper, Hazel
G. John , Paul , George , Ringo


17. I wonder, wonder, who…
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?


18. I'm strong to the finish...
A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bluto


19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today…
A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV


20. What do M & M's do?
A. Make your tummy happy!
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors

Below are the right answers:
1. D - Wonder Bread
2. G - Cassius Clay
3. B - He Is us
4. A - Good night, Chet
5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D - Maynard G. Krebs
7. C - Pants on fire
8. F - The American Way
9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10. E - Oh my
11. D - Over 30
12. C - Joe Namath
13. G - A little dab'll do ya
14. G - On Blueberry Hill
15. B - Mary Martin
16. G - John , Paul , George , Ringo
17. D - Who wrote the book of Love
18. B - Cause I eats me spinach
19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20. F - Melt in your mouth not in your hand

Don't forget to put your score in the subject line, when you forward this on.

Chicago Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations!

NAME____________________________________________________
GANG/CREW NAME_________________________________________
CRIB_____________________________________________________

1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every
10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by shooting. How many mofos can
Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload ?

2. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320
and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest
of his shit ?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per
day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit ?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20%
profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside ?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and
$1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many
more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother's bail?.

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his
common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will
be left when he gets out ?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average
letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz.
Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over ?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang.
What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up ?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor
that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a
week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's
income ?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan
loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece,
how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Little Johnny speaks his mind once again.....

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he
visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion
related to words and their meanings.

The teached asked the president if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word " tragedy"

One little boy stood up and offered: " If my best friend, who lives on
a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills
him, that would be a tragedy."

" No " said Obama, " that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: " If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone- that would be a tragedy."

" I'm afraid not," explained Obama. " That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the
room. " Isn't there someone here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teached held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: " If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama
was struck by a ' friendly fire missile' and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy."

" Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. " That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"

" Well, " says Johnny, " It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as
hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it wouldn't
be an accident either!"

The teacher fainted

Amen

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a

“Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine

and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."



His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa...virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia...hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America... fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 58, she is like Europe...exhausted, but still has many points of interest.

5. After 58 she is like Australia...everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.

He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing."

One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply. When time was over she called on a student named Johnny he said this is the process of having sex. He said, first you add the bed, subtract the clothes, a divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it. "In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However,today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"

The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

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Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence. Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green." The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall. The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors." From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly." Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,

"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A man is being interviewed for a job. “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?” “The slightest noise wakes me up.

Keep a bag of flour in your Fridge


Why did we never hear of this before? I've always just run it under the cold water tap. A woman's experience with burns:

Some time ago I was cooking some corn and stuck my fork in the boiling water to see if the corn was ready. I missed and my hand went into the boiling water. A friend of mine, who was a Vietnam vet, came into the house, just as I was screaming, and asked me if I had some plain old flour. I pulled out a bag and he stuck my hand in it. He told me to keep my hand in the flour for 10 minutes which I did. He said that in Vietnam, there was a guy on fire and in their panic, they threw a bag of flour all over him to put the fire out. Well, it not only put the fire out, but he never even had a blister!

Long story short, I put my hand in the bag of flour for 10 minutes, pulled it out and did not even have a red mark or a blister and absolutely NO PAIN. Now, I keep a bag of flour in the fridge and every time I burn myself. Cold flour feels even better than room temperature flour.

I use the flour and have never ONCE had I ever had even a red spot/burn mark, or a blister! I even burnt my tongue once, put the flour on it for about 10 minutes. The pain was gone and no burn.

Try it. Keep a bag of flour in your fridge and you will be happy you did!
BTW, don't run your burn area under cold water first, just put it directly into the flour for 10 minutes.

It happened at a New York Airport . This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F.. You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.